


There Are No Raindrops on Roses//It's Sleeping with Roaches

by DanceInPoliceLights



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Character Death, Cops and Crime, Crime, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Hurt and comfort, If you don't cry ill be dissapointed, Internalized Homophobia, Josh is 24, Josh thinks he's straight at one point and its hilarious, M/M, Mentions of Billie Joe Armstrong - Freeform, Mentions of Oliver Sykes, Minor Character Death, Mysterious, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Smut, Some Fluff, Tyler is 17, Tyler is so cocky, a dash of comfort, josh is a saint, self hate, sex trade, some Ryden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-07 22:03:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 68,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13444338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanceInPoliceLights/pseuds/DanceInPoliceLights
Summary: Tyler came to New York with a dream- to sing songs to people who sang along and learn things he wouldn’t in Columbus where everyone seemed to hate him. However, all he seems to learn is to never trust anyone and that he will probably be stuck here forever- or die trying to escape.His only hope to get out seems to be the man with caramel, mocha eyes and that stupid colourful tattoo.





	1. The Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Here is a fic that I wrote a longggg time ago for another fandom. I reread all my stuff recently and found this and thought it oddly fits very well with Josh and Tyler so I decide to post while I write ‘Troubled Minds’. It is finished so I can post chapters whenever :) I hope you enjoy, it’s very, very dark but I think that’s kinda my aesthetic lmaoo ;)
> 
> WARNING- This story deals with issues such as sex trade and drug abuse. Stay safe and I don't want to sound like your mom, but please don't talk to sketchy people :(

_When I stepped off that Greyhound bus, I inhaled deeply, breathing in my new surroundings. It honestly felt like the first time I’d breathed properly in my entire life. My first unstifled breath. I was so full of hope, excitement pulsed through my veins. I’d made it. New York City; my new home. I had one suitcase stuffed with my belongings, a few hundred dollars in my bank account that I’d saved from the hours upon hours of babysitting. I was wide eyed in awe as I walked through the Grand Central bus station that day._

_I was so excited to be away from my home, with nobody knowing my name or who I was. My parents couldn’t hold me back anymore, I was free. Home was hell with obvious disappointment from my parents and relentless taunting from my peers. I was so close to my dream, I could taste it. The shining lights, the cheering crowd, the voices singing along to all the words._

_I shouldn’t have been so naive, when I bumped into that tall, big nosed man at Grand Central I should have apologised and been on my way._

_I shouldn’t have let him help pick up my belongings that had fallen out of my suitcase._

_I should have walked away when he handed me back my beautiful leather skin notebook that I took from him with shaking hands._

_I wish I hadn’t engaged him when we stood back up and he spoke to me._

_"You look a little lost."_

_I wish I’d just smiled and said I was fine and left._

_When he reached out to shake my hand, introducing himself with a large smile as Nicholas, I shouldn’t have told him my name. And when he said "I can help you" that definitely should have been my cue to leave._

_**But I didn’t.** _

 

_I shouldn’t have followed him into his car and I certainly shouldn’t have told him about my budding music career, how I’d come to New York to be a star. If I’d just walked away I might not be here now. I wouldn’t have found myself in this dark, dingy basement surrounded by several other men who at one time had been just as dumb and naive as me. We had all trusted Nicholas. We had all just wanted to believe there was some kindness in the world. But I don’t believe there is or ever was and I bet none of these other men do either._

_So if no one comes for me, if I’m never found; this is my story. This is the story of how a young, innocent Ohio teenager ended up here. If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it. If you’ve found this then the man with the deep cocoa eyes, nose ring and colourful full sleeve tattoo broke his promise. He didn’t save me. I’m gone. But hopefully this will help find who did this to me, and make sure they can never do it to anyone ever again. My name is Tyler Joseph, and this is my story._


	2. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so we are actually getting into the story now ;P Sorry Josh hasn't been in it yet! I'm just building up the theme and such before he comes in (which is next chapter so just be patient ;) I'm really glad some people are enjoying it so far.
> 
> PS- If you didn't realize, the paragraphs in italics are parts from Tyler's Journal :)

“What…what is this place?” I stuttered at the woman Nicholas sat me in front of. He’d driven me a long way up to a dilapidated old building we were now somewhere inside of. 

The woman who sat in front of me had big blonde hair, false eyelashes and nails, bright red lipstick and the biggest breasts I think I’ve ever seen in real life. She had a smile on her lips as she leant forward in her chair, “This is your new home, sweetie.”

She was flagged on both sides by stern looking men, contradicting her sickly sweet tone of voice. Nicholas was behind me, stood in front of the door. That was the first time I felt uneasy, like something wasn’t right. 

“This is Matt and this is Logan. And I’m Alice.” She pointed at the two men either side of her. Matt was tall and slim with a mass of wild dreadlocks and Logan was a little shorter with slicked back dark hair that was shaved at the sides and a ring through his lip. Neither men acknowledged their introductions. 

“Uhm…ok.” I was clutching my hands together in my lap. What did they want from me? Why was I here? 

“Nicholas tells me you looked a little lost at the bus station,” Alice chuckled breezily, “So we thought we’d help you out. We have plenty space here for you to stay.”

“I do need somewhere to stay.” I agreed, maybe I was being paranoid, maybe they did just want to help me?

“Of course you’ll have to work for us, but seeing as we’re giving you a roof over your pretty little head I’m sure you won’t mind right?” She sat back in her chair now and started filing her nails, no longer making eye contact with me. I felt my heart beat pick up. The way she spoke made it sound like the greatest opportunity in the world but I was starting to have my doubts.

“What…what do you do?”

“We’re a…dating company of sorts,” Nicholas spoke up, making me spin around in the chair. “When I saw you, I knew you’d be perfect for us! You see, there are a lot of gay men in New York, just looking for a boy like... you to take out to dinner or to the movies.” Nicholas looked down at my small frame and big eyes. Nicholas winked at me and I chewed my lip nervously, “Oh, well I’m not very experienced with... men. Or anyone in general.”

“Don’t worry honey,” Alice spoke again, putting the nail file down. “We have experienced boys here, they can give you some pointers.”  
I looked between Alice and Nicholas. There was something in my gut that was telling me this wasn’t right. 

“Uhm…I don’t know. I appreciate the opportunity but I don’t think it’s for me. I think it sounds a little…creepy to be honest.” I stood up from the chair but as soon as I did Nicholas’ hand was on my shoulder, pushing me back down. I swallowed hard. My stomach was in knots. I had a bad feeling about this.

“Oh sweetie,” Alice laughed. “Did we say it was an option?” She folded her arms over her large chest and raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at me. 

I could hear my heart beating in my ears, “But uhm…really I don’t think it’s for me.”

“You’ll soon change your mind,” Alice smirked and then clicked her fingers together. Matt and Logan suddenly sprung to life and came round to either side of my chair. They pulled me up by my arms.

“What the hell?” I tried to wriggle free, “You can’t do this! Let me go!”

Alice just laughed as did Nicholas. Matt and Logan held me tight as I tried desperately to get free of their grasps but they were much stronger than me. I screamed and I kicked but it didn’t help anything. Then I felt a prick in my back. My eyes started getting blurry, I was struggling to focus all of a sudden. Then my legs gave way. Then everything suddenly went black.

————————————

When I opened my eyes I was staring at a large dripping pipe attached to a high ceiling. The liquid dripping from the pipe landed a little to my left with a plopping noise every few seconds. 

My head ached and my mouth was dry. I slowly sat up, I was on a dirty single mattress on the floor with one pillow and a ratty blanket at my feet. I blinked a few times trying to take in my surroundings in the dark room. 

There were four other mattresses opposite me each with another body lying on them. I was too panicked to take in what any of them actually looked like. 

“You’re awake.” A voice on my left startled me and I turned to see a man, probably only a few years older than myself, sat on another mattress cross legged. 

He had kind eyes and a worn fedora on his head. He gave me a half-smile and a slight shrug. I noticed there were two other beds passed him with two other bodies on them. We seemed to be the only ones awake.

“Uhm yeah…” I croaked, my voice sounding so unlike myself. A shiver passed up my spine at that moment, it was only then I realised I was only wearing my underwear. 

I pulled the ratty blanket over my body and pulled my knees to my chin. 

“Where am I?” My head was hazy, the last thing I remembered was sitting in front of Alice and the two stern looking men. 

The man shrugged again, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and lighting one, “Hell.” He told me with another shrug. His eyes met mine and I saw so much sadness in them. 

I swallowed and fear filled my whole body, “What’s going on?” I knew this was bad, I’m not stupid. I knew what Alice had told me wasn’t the whole truth, because if it was why would I be here now, in some dingy basement surrounded by seven other men? I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know how bad, not just yet.

“This is your life now,” The man said, sucking on his cigarette. “You live here, with us. You work for them. There’s no way out.” His voice was a little robotic as he spoke and it made me more scared.

I wriggled over to the edge of my bed and reached out and touched his arm. As I did so, I felt an ache between my shoulder blades but I ignored it, “Please, please tell me what’s happening?” My voice gave way to my fears. 

The man flicked his ash on the floor and looked at me dead in the eyes. “You haven’t figured it out yet?” He raised an eyebrow at me, “Do you not watch TV?”

I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had an idea of what was going on but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe I was just being paranoid and this was all some kind of sick joke. I knew it wasn’t though, the man’s face told me all I needed to know. 

“You’re their puppet now. Their little prostitute puppet.” He said the words so casually I almost didn’t understand what he’d said. But then he looked away from me again and stubbed his cigarette out on the tiled floor and his words started to hit me. 

“I…what? No…this is a joke. This can’t be happening…you’re joking.”

“Does this look like a joke to you?” He looked back at me again and raised his eyebrow. So many emotions hit me at once but the one thing that I comprehended was that I needed to get out of here. 

I suddenly jumped up from the bed letting the blanket fall to the floor. My suitcase was at the foot of the bed and I scrambled to get it open and throw on some clothes. The man just watched me, I could feel his eyes boring into me.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting out of here, what do you think I’m doing!” As I moved I felt another a pain between my shoulders and if I wasn’t so panicked I might have stopped to think about it.

“You think it’s that easy?” He scoffed. “Do you think we’d all still be here if you could just walk away?”

I decided to ignore him. I wasn’t going to sit around and just accept this, and if he was then he was a fucking idiot. 

I threw on the first pair of trousers and t-shirt I found, I didn’t bother with shoes. The tiled floor was cold and wet and I slipped a little as I ran over to the large steel door. Of course it was locked, I heard the man chuckle a little behind me, “What did I say?”

I continued to ignore him and started pounding hard on the steel door, “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” I screamed, “You won’t get away with this! Let me out of here right this fucking instant!”

I heard groans from some of the other men and shouts of, ‘knock it off’, and ‘shut the fuck up would you?' 

I was crying when I turned back to the man who was watching me intently. I ran back to my suitcase and emptied its content out on the mattress. My phone and laptop were both gone. Of course they were. 

Panic really started to set in now as I rushed around the room, inspecting every inch of the walls and floor for the tiniest gap or hole. I’m slim, I figured I could force my way out if I had to. I think I must have been screaming still because the other men were still groaning, still telling me to shut up. 

___I wanted to scream at them, ask them how they could be so calm, how could they just have resided themselves to this? I was never going to stop until I found a way out. The pain in my shoulders had intensified now and I had to stop my search and roll my blades trying to stop the pain. The man was still watching me, he lit another cigarette, “Hurts between your shoulders doesn’t it?”_ _ _

__

___“Kind of.”_ _ _

___The man stood up now for the first time and grabbed a compact mirror from his bag before grabbing my arm and leading me to a grimy mirror on one side of the room. He turned me so my back was facing the mirror and instructed me to take my shirt off. I didn’t know why I listened to him but I did as he said and slid it off. He held the compact mirror up and angled it so that I could see the reflection of my back through the mirror on the wall._ _ _

___I could only just see what he was trying to show me in the shitty light of the room. Right between my shoulder blades there was a fresh cut about three inches in length that had been stitched up. My heart was racing as I raised my arm and reached down between my blades and gently stroked the stitches. It stung like a bitch._ _ _

___“What the fuck is that?” I finally forced my eyes away from the cut to look back at the man._ _ _

___He slipped the compact into his pocket, “You’ve been micro chipped.”_ _ _

___I hated the way he spoke so casually about everything. Why did he act as though this wasn’t a big deal?_ _ _

___“Micro chipped?” I yelled, scrabbling about trying to look at it again, trying to get my fingers around the stitches and yank them from my skin and get out whatever they had put inside me._ _ _

___“Shut the fuck up! Seriously I’m trying to get some fucking sleep over here princess. Quit you’re whining.” A voice came from the corner, and a set of dark eyes were looking at me. The man had black messy hair and a scowl across his face. I didn’t respond, I turned back to look at the man with the fedora._ _ _

___“Micro chipped?” I repeated quietly. And that’s when I remembered the two men grabbing my arms and the feeling of something pricking my skin. They’d drugged me. I’d passed out and they cut me open and put a fucking chip inside me._ _ _

___The man shrugged and turned his back on me. He lifted his t-shirt and sure enough between his shoulder blades was a faint scar._ _ _

___“We all got them,” He shrugged turning back around. “That way, they always know where you are.” He finished his cigarette and chucked it on the floor before making his way back over to his mattress. I followed him and sat back on my own._ _ _

___“How long have you been here?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to that. He laid down on his back and stared at the ceiling._ _ _

___“I don’t know,” He didn’t look at me, “I don’t even know what fucking day it is.”_ _ _

___“March sixteenth.” I whispered, slightly scared of getting yelled at again. He lolled his head to the side on the shitty pillow to look at me._ _ _

___“Year?”_ _ _

___“2014.”_ _ _

___I saw something in his eyes change as I said that. He bit his lip and rolled his head back to look at the ceiling, “The day I left home, I got a flight to JFK, then I hopped on a Greyhound to Grand Central. The day I met Nicholas in the bus station it was January third,” He paused, he was playing with the hem of his shirt, “2011.”_ _ _

___My whole body felt numb. The man didn’t seem too phased by it and that scared me the most. He’d clearly gotten so used to this being his life that he didn’t fight it anymore. I didn’t think I would ever stop fighting this._ _ _

___“Over three years? And no one’s come to look for you?” I saw him roll his eyes and sat back up lighting another cigarette._ _ _

___“Who the fuck would look for me?” He shook his head. And then I realised that no one would look for me either. My parents didn’t care about me, that’s why I’d left in the first place. They wouldn’t be looking for me, they wouldn’t care where I was. To them I was just their weird gay son that ruined their reputation in our small town. Was this my life now? Was I going to end up like this man?_ _ _

___“So you just gave up?”_ _ _

___“Pretty much,” He shrugged again, “You learn that the only way outta here…is in a body bag.”_ _ _

___My hands were shaking in my lap at that point, my bottom lip trembling, “They…they kill people?” I stuttered feeling knots in my stomach._ _ _

___The man just laughed at me, “They kidnapped you, drugged you, micro chipped you, locked you in a basement and are going to whore you out to lonely men. You think they’d draw the line at murder?” He scoffed, shaking his head at me as though I was some little kid, “Guys come and go all the time, but they only get to leave if the henchmen put them out of their misery. Gerard’s the only one that’s been here longer than me.” He nodded his head towards the corner where the man with the black, messy hair was laying._ _ _

___So I was stuck here by the sounds of it. But I wouldn’t give up that easily. I’m a stubborn bitch and I knew I would get myself out of here. “So what’s your name anyway?” The man asked me now dragging rather lazily on his cigarette._ _ _

___“Ty-.” I croaked realising for the first time how dry my throat was. The man’s eyes widened at me in an instant._ _ _

___“Shush!” He whispered. “Don’t go around telling people your real name, fuck.” He shook his head. “Never tell anyone your real name, in fact don’t tell anyone anything about you. I meant your stage name…”_ _ _

___“My stage name?” I frowned at him and it made him roll his eyes and sigh._ _ _

___“You don’t use real names here, you never let anyone use your real name when this isn’t the real you anymore. And Nic and Alice don’t let us use it ‘cause they don’t want the clients to recognize our names.”_ _ _

___I slowly nodded, “so what should my stage name be?”_ _ _

___“Anything really. A name you have always liked, something odd, I don’t know, whatever. Everybody here has normal names, but you can change that theme if you want I guess.”_ _ _

___“I’m Tyler.” I wanted to keep my name. This was still me, and I needed to keep every chance of someone possibly recognizing me from a missing ad if one was ever put up._ _ _

___“That’s not your real name? You started saying Ty before I cut you off.” The man acknowledges._ _ _

___“No, it’s something else that starts with that,” I lied, “so what’s your name?” I asked._ _ _

___“I am Patrick.” He smirked and turned over his shoulder to the other beds, “That’s Matty.” He pointed to the bed next to his where a man with curly dark brown was laying on his side facing away from us, “And you met Gerard,” He pointed passed Matty to the corner where the snappy man was laying. “And over there is Ryan, Andy, Taylor, and that’s Brendon.”_ _ _

___Brendon was beaten black and blue and cuffed by shackles at his ankles and wrists. I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed before, I guess I’d been in too much of a panic to take everything in. “What happened to him?” My whole body was shaking now._ _ _

___“He’s a bit of a rule breaker. Keeps trying to bust out of here or run away. They find him though and they teach him his place. He’s on his final warning, he’ll be gone if he does it again.” Patrick was still speaking about this all so casually. I knew without him having to say as much that when he said 'gone’ what he meant was killed._ _ _

___“But hey, no one wants a beat up escort so at least he gets some time off.” Patrick shrugged and laid back down on his bed. I was still sitting looking at the other men. The one Patrick said was Ryan, a skinny man with mousey brown hair swept across his face and large, scared eyes, was laying on his side grasping Brendon’s arm for dear life._ _ _

“What’s the deal with Ryan?” I asked Patrick who didn’t move when he spoke, “He and Brendon have a thing. I mean I get fucked enough for this lifetime but they still manage to go at it like fucking dogs in heat.” Patrick pulled the blanket over himself now, getting comfy,  
“Another good thing about Brendon being cuffed, we don’t have listen to their obnoxiously loud sex.”  
   
“Seriously would you shut the fuck up? Patrick, I am sick of your mouth and newbie stop asking fucking questions.” Gerard, the angry man in the corner sat up and barked at us.  
I saw Patrick roll his eyes, “Watch out for him, he’s queen bitch around here. He’s the biggest earner and because of that he’s the favourite.” Patrick lowered his voice to a whisper now. 

___I nodded, understanding, before I went over to my suitcase and rummaged through it finding that at least they had left me with my notebook and a pen. At least I had something. I brought it back to the bed and crawled under the mattress still clothed because it was freezing in this room._ _ _

___“So what happens to the money?” I knew I should be quiet because Gerard was scary and I didn’t want to piss him off but fuck I was curious._ _ _

___“Alice keeps the majority of it but we get a bit thrown our way. I spend mine on smokes and drugs. Anything to numb away the pain.” Patrick lifted one arm from under the blanket so I could see his track marks. I’m not sure why he needed to show me, I wish he hadn’t._ _ _

___“Oh…ok.” We fell into silence after that. I still had so many questions and I was itching to find a way out of this fucking room. But for now I was going to sit here and try and formulate a plan. I knew going crazy and trying to break down a door wouldn’t work, I had to be smart about this. I opened my notebook to the next blank page and poised my pen over it.___

_March 16th  
I thought moving to New York was going to be the best decision of my life. I thought I’d be ravaging room service in some hotel right now, drinking my weight in champagne. How things change. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I’m with. But I’ll get out of here, I swear to god I will. Or I’ll die trying. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. I can put up next chapter like tomorrow if you want? Leave me comments because they make me happy :)


	3. Gone Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup, good luck to everyone starting their exams tomorrow :P I hope you like this chapter.

/// Josh  
It was raining really heavily that morning, more so than it had done in New York for as long as I can remember. It didn’t surprise me, it was as though the weather reflected my mood.

I sat on the stairs in my apartment building all morning waiting for the mail man. I don’t know what I expected honestly, it was just wishful thinking. That was confirmed when all I received was shitty bills. 

Back in my apartment I spent the day curled up on the couch staring at the wall. I wonder if he’s thinking about me the way I’m thinking about him? Of course he isn’t, I had to keep reminding myself of that. Would he even remember what today was? No, why would he? He didn’t want me anymore, why would he waste his energy thinking about me? 

I hadn’t cried for a long time and that was a good thing because I’d gotten sick of it. Mostly these days I just felt numb, like I was going through life on autopilot. I guess that’s what heartbreak does to you. I don’t know how long exactly I was laying there, before I heard a key turning in the lock. I sighed and forced myself to sit up just as my two best friends were letting themselves into my apartment.

“I told you that key was for emergencies.” I croaked, the first words I’d spoken all day. Pete shut the door and pocketed my key with a shrug, “Well when you don’t answer your goddamn phone all day, it could well have been an emergency.”

He made his way over to the couch and sat on one side of me while Mark sat on the other. I patted my pockets and looked around a little. I didn’t even know where my phone was.

“Sorry.” I told them although I think we all knew I wasn’t really.

“Have you been sat here all day?” Mark asked me, putting his hand on my shoulder.

“I guess so.”

“You didn’t go to work?” Pete asked now and I shook my head. I saw Pete subtly roll his eyes, “It’s been six months dude.”

“You don’t need to remind me.” I rolled my eyes back but not so subtly.

Pete shook his head and pushed himself back off the couch.  
“Have you drunk anything today? You sound like shit.” He made his way to my kitchenette and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before bringing it back over to me. I uncapped it and took a sip even though I didn’t want any. 

“I thought you’d been getting better?” Mark asked me in a tone much softer than Pete’s. This was how they worked, like good cop, bad cop. The fact they were actually cops made it sort of funny in a coincidental way.

“It would have been three years today.” I told Mark, my voice still croaky. 

“Oh Joshie.” Suddenly the older man was wrapping me tightly in his arms. My head fell to his shoulder as he cradled me. I bet Pete was rolling his eyes.

“It’s been six months.” Pete repeated. 

“Pete, shut up,” Mark scolded him, rubbing my back, “You know he was the love of Josh’s life.”

They were talking about me as though I wasn’t even here. They did that a lot since the breakup. I wriggled out of Mark’s hold so I could look at Pete, “Do you think I like feeling this way?” I tried to sound annoyed but my voice was the same monotone it had been for the past six months. “I don’t want to keep missing him like this but I can’t help it. I’m sorry if my heartbreak is an inconvenience for you.” I leant back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

“You aren’t an inconvenience,” Mark told me softly, “We just hate seeing you like this.” 

Pete agreed, clearly Mark was giving him a look that told him to be nicer, Pete wouldn’t have said that otherwise. 

“I just miss him like crazy. You know I actually thought I would hear from him today. I thought that he’d send something. I waited all morning for the mail man and…nothing.” That sounded so pathetic saying it out loud. 

I felt Mark’s hand on my leg, “I’m sure he’s thinking about you.” Mark told me trying to provide comfort. 

I scoffed and looked back at him.  
“No he isn’t. He broke up with me remember?”

“It was kind of your fault though.” Pete said and was met by Mark leaning over me and slapping him in the arm. 

“Pete!” Mark scowled. I shook my head.

“He’s right.” I knew he was right, Mark knew he was right too. It didn’t make it any easier to hear though. 

“That doesn’t matter, he shouldn’t have said that. God you’re so tactless sometimes, how the fuck you ever became a cop is beyond me.” Mark spat. 

“Please stop this guys.” I sighed, they argued a lot these days and it was my fault. Before the break up they never fought, the three of us had always gotten along so well. I knew I was driving a rift in their friendship. Apparently all I was good for these days was ruining relationships. 

“Pete’s right, it was my fault. There’s no point beating around the bush about it.”

“He could be a little nicer though.” Mark rolled his eyes.  
“Sometimes you need to give them the tough love Eshleman.” Pete stood up and started pacing my living room. I saw Mark clench his jaw.

“ _Them _is your best fucking friend, not some criminal you’re interrogating.” Mark stood up now too leaving me on the couch. I hated this, I hated being the reason they argued. Pete stopped pacing and ignored Mark, looking back at me.__

____

“You need to meet someone. Hell, you just need to get laid!” Pete chuckled to himself, Mark and I didn’t join in. “You need to get out of this fucking apartment and get your dick wet. You’ll feel a hundred times better, you’ll forget all about Oliver.”

I pulled a face at the mention of his name. It felt like Pete had just donkey punched me in the stomach. I instantly curled back up into a ball, “I don’t want to, as you so eloquently put it, get my dick wet. I want Oliver.”

“Fuck sake Pete,” Mark scalded him. “Just leave before you cause any more damage.”

I felt the weight shift on the couch as Mark sat next to me and he pulled my head into his lap. The tension between Mark and Pete could be cut with a knife, I sometimes thought the two of them just needed to fuck and be done with it; get it out of their systems. I would never say as much though. 

“I’m not going anywhere. You don’t want me to leave do you, Josh?” Pete folded his arms across his chest. 

“I don’t care.” I closed my eyes, they were giving me a headache. 

Pete scoffed and then I heard his footsteps on the wooden floor, “Fine fuck you both. Call me when you’re done moping and I’ll help you find a piece of ass so hot you’ll never think about Oliver again.” And then I heard the door open and slam behind him. I winced a little at the sound and Mark stroked back my hair.

“Ignore him, he’s an ass.”

“He was only trying to help. In his own, Pete way.” I defended him, because I knew Pete didn’t mean to be an ass. He really was just trying to help although it didn’t seem like it. Pete was big on the old tough love, I knew he just hated seeing me like this. 

“Hmmm.” Mark sighed. “I wish he’d be a bit nicer about it.”

“You’re nice enough for the both of you.” I insisted, hoping it would make him feel less inclined to be annoyed at Pete. 

“He might have a point though,” Mark stopped stroking my hair and helped me sit back upright, “As much as it pains me to admit that Pete is ever right, I think he might be onto something. Maybe it would help if you put yourself back out there. It has been a long time Josh, all you’ve done for the past six months is go to work and then mope around the apartment. At least come out with us one night, we miss you and you never know, you might meet a nice guy.”

I couldn’t help but scoff. I picked back up the water and took another swig from the bottle.

“What, so the same thing can happen again? Oliver left me because I wasn’t ready to come out of the closet. He put up with two and half years of having to be my dirty little secret. Two and half years where we couldn’t go on dates, where I wouldn’t hold his hand or kiss him in public. Fuck, he should have left me sooner really.” It was true I was a coward. My parents had made me feel worthless for being gay, they had made me feel as though it was the worst thing in the world. And despite the fact my two best friends were very openly gay cops, it didn’t make it any easier for me to come out. I suppose I’d gotten comfortable in my closet, and not even the man I loved could coax me out. But the ties with my parents were cut and I was out. Well on the down-low. If people asked I would tell them, but I didn’t go around telling people or going to pride.

“You know not everyone’s going to act the same way your parents did right? Its 2014 Josh, being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. I can tell you still hate having to tell people, so you completely avoid the talk of sexuality.”

Of course I could see that. I still wasn’t ready to be completely out and proud yet though. I knew what Mark was saying was true but he didn’t go what I went through. 

Telling Mark and Pete I was gay was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, it had slipped out after a few drinks and they’d just laughed. 

Pete’s reaction had been, dude I’ve known that for years and Mark’s had been, I didn’t know it was meant to be a secret. That made me panic. Was it really that obvious?

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“At least say you’ll come out with us? I spend enough time with Pete alone at work, we need you there to stop us killing each other.” Mark smiled at me, trying to guilt me into it. I rolled my eyes, I hated it when he did that.

“Maybe, I’ll think about it.”

“How about Friday?”

I got up from the couch now, my legs a little shaky as I hadn’t moved in hours.

“Maybe.” I told him heading to the kitchen. I heard him switch the TV on as I left which meant he was staying. I opened the cupboard with a sigh and grabbed a half empty bottle of whiskey. I didn’t bother with a glass, what was the point? I leaned against the kitchen counter and tried to down as much of the bottle as I could before Mark inevitably found me and made me stop. God I missed Oliver. I wish I could have been strong enough to come out for him. I wish my parents hadn’t fucked me up so much that it was even an option in my mind. Because I knew, I always had known that I was never going to be proud of being gay. And I was always going to be miserable because of it.   
————————————  
/// Tyler

_March 17th  
This morning started with a punch in the face and kick to the balls. When Matt and Logan came to bring us breakfast (if you could count dry, burnt toast as breakfast) I decided to try and make a run for it. Of course I didn’t get far before they grabbed me, Logan disabled me by swiftly kicking me in the crotch and then punched me in the face to ensure I wasn’t going anywhere. Matt had dragged me back to my mattress, came close to my face and said, 'do I need to restrain you?’ I had just whimpered a little and shook my head. Then he grinned at me, patted me on the head like I was a fucking dog and said, 'good boy’. _

_They handed out the toast and bottles of water to each man and with the lights turned on I was able to get a better look at everyone. Brendon was a slim man who might have been good looking under his swollen, bruised face. He had perfect swooped black hair despite his distraught appearance that Ryan was stroking off his face as he held the bottle of water to his lips and helped his lover drink. who occupied the bed next to Ryan, was an admittedly very attractive man named Andy who had smouldering blue eyes that would probably be quite friendly under different circumstances, he seemed hard and mean as he sat on his worn mattress. When Matt handed him his toast he devoured it in seconds._

_In the bed next to him, opposite me was Taylor. Taylor looked more frightened than most of the other guys and I assumed he hadn’t been here long. His curly brown hair was falling into his face as he avoided making eye contact with anyone and he softly thanked Matt for the food._

_Gerard in the corner on my side of the room still had the same scowl on his face from last night. When Logan brought him his food over he spat at the henchman which I thought was going to earn him a punch but Logan just snarled and wiped the spittle from his face before moving on. Maybe Patrick had been right about Gerard being the favourite._

_Between Patrick and Gerard was Matty who was still sleeping, despite the commotion I’d made. Matt hit him in the arm and shook him awake. Matty groaned and rolled over onto his side before opening his eyes. Logan dropped the toast on the man followed by the bottle of water before moving onto Patrick. In the light, Patrick was actually really good looking or at least he probably was before he found himself trapped down here. His hair was a mess without his fedora and his eyes were large and blue. He took the food and drink from Logan without a word. Then Logan stopped at my bed with a snarl. 'Bad boys don’t get fed.’ He growled before chucking me a bottle of water but not leaving any food. My stomach growled loudly as I watched them leave room, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten._

_I heard them lock the door behind them. I looked at Patrick and he shrugged before tossing me a slice of his toast. I smiled my thanks and ate it, although it was fucking disgusting, I needed to eat something. The water was like heaven, I drank the whole thing in one without giving a thought to when I might get more. The seven other men in this room looked broken. They had probably all at one time or another been happy-go-lucky guys like myself but clearly this place had beaten that out of them. And that terrified me. I didn’t want to be broken, but I was feeling as though I probably already was. ___  
————————————  
“Your lips bleeding.” Patrick told me as I put down my notebook and sat back in the bed. 

__I ran my hand over my lip and sure enough it was bleeding, must have been from Logan’s punch. I saw Patrick roll his eyes, “Come here.” He told me._ _

__I swung my legs out of the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. He did the same and using some balled up tissue he gently dabbed at my lip. When he was done he smiled softly at me, “You have really pretty eyes.” He told me and then moved back to lay in his bed. I didn’t know what to say to that. I laid back on my bed, my back still hurt where those monsters had cut into me but I ignored it._ _

__“What happens now?” I asked Patrick after a little while.  
“There’s not a lot of need for us during daylight hours.” He told me, pulling a plastic bag out from a rucksack next to his bed. “They’ll come for some of us later if we’re needed. If not we just sit and wait.” _ _

__“What are we meant to do?”_ _

Patrick rolled his eyes, “I don’t fucking know, do I look like your mother? Write in your fucking book or something.” He emptied the contents of the plastic bag onto his bed. A spoon, a lighter, a loop of elastic, a syringe and a smaller baggy of what I assumed was heroin. I watched in awe as Patrick expertly melted the heroin holding the lighter to the underside of the spoon and then filled the syringe with the liquid. He tied the elastic around his arm with one hand and the use of his teeth. As he lined up the needle with his vein he looked over at me and our eyes met as he pushed the plunger. He exhaled as he did so, a small smile playing on his lips. 

__“You want some newbie?” He asked as he extracted the needle and tugged off the elastic._ _

__“God no.” I shook my head frantically which made Patrick’s smile grow._ _

__“That’s what I said the first time Billie offered me some.”_ _

__“Billie?” It was stupid of me to ask, I knew what he was going to say. He started putting the paraphernalia back in the plastic bag._ _

__“He was my friend, he used to live here. But he’s gone now.” His face was blank as he spoke, stuffing the plastic bag back in his rucksack._ _

__“I’m sorry about your friend.” I told him, it was the first time I’d seen him look remotely sad. He shook his head, trying force a smile._ _

__“It’s ok, we all saw it coming. He was a bigger trouble maker than Brendon. He used to try and fight his tricks and when word got back to Nicholas and Alice…they took him away one morning and we never saw him again.” He was trying his best to not get emotional I could tell but I could also tell it was upsetting him._ _

__“You two were close?”_ _

__Patrick looked up at the ceiling. “I guess. He was the first person that spoke to me when I was brought to this hell hole.”  
I could just about see there were tears glistening behind Patrick’s eyes. 

__“There’s more to it than that.” I said, I wasn’t sure if Patrick would actually tell me or not. He sniffed and rolled his head to look at me.  
“We were in love,” He told me with a small shrug, “We dreamt of getting out of here together, starting our life together. But he couldn’t control his anger.” He closed his eyes and turned away from me, signalling the conversation was over. _ _

__My heart ached for him. He’d found love in a truly hopeless place and it was taken from him. I understood now why he’d given up._ _

__— — —_ _

__I spent the day alternating between sleeping and crying softly into my pillow. I was absolutely starving and my mouth was so dry it hurt. I don’t know how long I’d been curled up under my blanket for when I felt a shift on the mattress. I sat up to see a frightened looking boy sat on the end of my bed._ _

__“Hi,” He spoke quietly as if he were afraid for anyone to hear him. “I’m Taylor.”_ _

__“Tyler,” I responded._ _

__“Nice name.” Taylor half smiled at the similarity of their name. “It’s nice not to be the newbie for a change.”_ _

__“How long have you been here?”_ _

__Taylor shrugged running his fingers through his hair, “I don’t know. Not that long I don’t think, I haven’t kept count but it feels like a lifetime.” His voice was sad, broken. He pulled a blunt from his pocket and lit it. He took a couple of drags before handing to me but I shook my head._ _

__“No thanks.”_ _

__“Give it time.” He smiled sadly at me._ _

__“Did they get you at the bus station too?” I was starting to see a pattern emerging as to how they recruited us. Clearly they were on the lookout for vulnerable young boys who were new in town and looking for help._ _

__“Yeah.” Taylor dragged on the blunt not looking at me anymore._ _

__“Where are you from?”_ _

__“I can’t tell you that.” He said quietly._ _

__“Oh yeah, of course, sorry.” I forgot about their rule of confidentiality of who you were before this._ _

__“Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I know what it’s like being the new guy.” He looked back at me and smiled briefly before jumping up and heading back to his bed. I curled back up under the blanket grabbed my notebook and wrote, _'I’m pretty sure I’m going to die here.'_  
__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

____

____

__

__— — —_ _

__Later that day Matt and Logan returned with some cold soup. I didn’t make a fuss because I was too hungry._ _

__“Ryan, Gerard, Matty you have calls. You have an hour. And Patrick,” Logan came over to his bed. “You have a call too, some sick fuck wants a looky-lou so take the new kid.” Logan instructed and then they both left, the door slamming and locking behind them._ _

__“What does he mean?” My heart was pounding in my chest._ _

__“He means the guy wants you to watch him fuck me.” Patrick pushed himself up from the mattress. “You need to fix yourself up.”_ _

__I followed Patrick over to the mirror where he brushed his hair and swept concealer under his eyes to hide the dark circles and patchy skin for lack of sun._ _

__I bit my lip as I looked into the mirror. I prided myself on my appearance and I looked like a mess. He rolled his eyes._ _

__“Nothing a little concealer won’t fix. Hey Andy, will you help newbie?” Patrick called over his shoulder. I heard Andy sigh before he got up and came over to us._ _

__Gerard, Ryan and Matty were squeezing in front of the mirror now to do their make-up. Apparently all the boys here wore makeup when they went out? The three shoving for the mirror seemed to pride themselves on the ‘emo’ look. Gerard rounded his eyes with black eyeshadow and Matty added eyeliner to his waterline. Ryan on the other hand went all in, creating straight up art of flying birds across his cheek and temple with red eyeshadow on his lid._ _

__“What’s your look?” Andy scrutinised my face. It was the first time he’d spoken to me and I noticed now he was standing that he was really tall, like staggering over me._ _

__“Uhm my look?” I scratched the back of my head. I heard Patrick sigh now._ _

__“Oh my god.” Matty spoke up, “What kind of boy do you wanna look like? Most of the fags here try to be emo. It seems guys are into it though.”_ _

__“Um I’m not really sure. Im not very special or anything. Just kind of plain.” I was chewing my bottom lip as I looked between Andy, Patrick and Matty, butt he seemed to already be done contributing to the conversation._ _

__“Everyone here has a look. So you need a niche. You are a twink and clearly a bottom, so maybe you could play off that.” Patrick kept his eyes on the mirror, he was now adding some mascara._ _

__“Yeah, good idea Patrick. We don’t have a complete cutie yet. You can be super fem. You already have the features.” Andy smiled making my cheeks heat up. He didn’t notice though, or if he did he didn’t say anything as he dug through a makeup bag lying on the ground._ _

__Andy pulled out a few concealers, looking for my closest colour before selecting one. He covered dark circles and the few blemishes I had before adding blush to my cheeks and mascara to my lashes._ _

__“Cute.” Patrick said when he looked over, finished his look. Patrick didn’t look much more different. Just younger and less worn down from the grungy basement._ _

__I smiled when I looked in the mirror, admiring how cute I really did look. My cheeks were a rosy pink and I couldn’t believe how long my lashes were. My smile quickly dropped when I realized what I would be doing soon._ _

__Andy had rummaged in my case and instructed me to wear my high waisted acid washed shorts along with my pastel blue button up. I’d had to shave my whole body in a bucket in the corner of the room after the guys instructed me to because ‘that’s what the clients like’._ _

__I completed the look with checkered pink vans, Patrick had called ‘cute’ before he grabbed a small bag, similar to a backpack and stuffed inside cigarettes, some make-up, condoms, a few quarters, a small key and white card that had a number written on. I didn’t ask him what they were for. No sooner than we were all ready I heard the key turning in the lock and Logan entered the room._ _

__“Let’s go.”_ _

__There were words of encouragement from the remaining men as we were all ushered from the room. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream but I was too scared to do anything but follow. The five of us were put in the back of a black SUV and Logan got in the front. No one said anything as we drove._ _

__Gerard was the first to be dropped off and the others blew him kisses and told him to be safe. Matty was next, then it was Patrick and I._ _

__My legs were shaking as we left the car. We were outside a bar in a busy part of town. Patrick placed a gentle hand on my arm._ _

__“It’s going to be ok,” He whispered, “We have a few drinks with the guy, then he takes us back to a hotel or to his place. All you have to do is watch ok?”_ _

__I swallowed hard and nodded although I didn’t think it was ok at all. Again I wanted to run but how far would I get with this fucking microchip in me? Patrick took my hand and led me into the bar. Life as I knew it was never going to be the same._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send comments I'm lonely and talk a lot


	4. Here Isn't Where I Wanna Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :D So sorry for Josh in this chapter as a *god forbid* bottom. I promise it will not happen again. And I promise Josh and Tyler will actually meet VERY soon. BE PREPARED FOR THIS SHIT STORM HONEY.
> 
> This chapter contains- Smut, Drug use, and profanity. But sweaty, if profanity offends you, should you really be reading fan fiction in the first place?
> 
> PS- sorry for the bigger spacing, I'm using rich text instead of HTML cause its like 10x easier to paste it from my notes, but it made it spaced out a lot and I'm too lazy to go back and make the spaces smaller so deal with it.

**/// Josh**

I’m sure I didn’t actually agree to go out tonight but nonetheless my staring at the wall was interrupted by Pete and Mark once again letting themselves into my apartment. 

 

I hadn’t spoken to or seen either of them since the other day but it seemed Mark had taken my tentative maybe as a yes.

 

“You’re not even dressed.” Pete rolled his eyes.

 

It was true, I wasn’t. Since getting home from work I had been sat on the couch in my pants drinking whiskey. I was a little tipsy to be honest. 

 

“Why should I be dressed? This is my apartment, I didn’t want to wear clothes.” I growled at my friend.

 

“We’re going out, remember?” Mark told me like I was an idiot.

 

“I don’t think I agreed to that.”

 

“Well we are.” Pete came over to me and snatched the bottle of whiskey from my hand before grabbing my arm and pulling me up. He led me to my bedroom and examined the room. Clothes were thrown everywhere, along with shoes and bits of rubbish. Pete rolled his eyes. “Is all this shit dirty?” He pointed at the pile of clothes and I just shrugged.

 

 He rolled his eyes again and flung open my wardrobe which was half empty. He rifled through what was in there and grabbed out a pair of black skinny jeans and a grey vest top before chucking them at me, “Just put these on.”

 

I thought about arguing with him, because I didn’t want to go out but for once I wasn’t in the mood for arguing with Pete so I did as he said. I put the clothes on and found a hoody that didn’t smell  _too_ bad and put that on as well. I put on my hat and a pair of old tatty boots before returning to the living room where Mark and Pete were waiting.

 

“Jesus when was the last time you showered?” Pete groaned as I came close.

 

“Fuck you, I showered this morning.” Did I shower this morning? I couldn’t remember to be honest, maybe I hadn’t. 

 

“Well you fucking stink.” He turned his back on me and marched towards my bathroom before returning with a bottle of aftershave. He sprayed it all over me, making me cough but he didn’t seem to notice or care.

 

“Better?” I asked sarcastically and Pete shrugged.

 

“Can’t polish a turd.” He scoffed and then he was on his way out of the door. I looked at Mark and he just shrugged. I grabbed my phone, keys, wallet and smokes before following them. I didn’t want to go out by any means but sometimes it was easier to just go along with Pete. I just hoped he wouldn’t take me to a gay bar, he knew how uncomfortable they made me.

 

Thankfully we ended up at O'Malley’s, their favourite cop bar. Their fellow officers said their hellos as we entered. Pete and Mark were both detectives, dealing in homicide and drug cases mostly. The three of us had known each other since we were kids back in Ohio, Mark was a few years older than us and It’s been so long I forget how he ended up being our friend. They’d always had more drive than me, they’d always wanted to be cops, the sensible option whereas I wanted to be a musician. When Pete got a job offer in New York, I’d decided to come with him, for lack of anything better to do. Mark had been offered a job in Chicago which had split the three of us up for a while. Mark had transferred to New York about a year ago and sometimes I wondered how I ever put up with Pete without him. I work for a symbol company which wasn’t where I’d seen my life going and I used to drum in various bands. I hadn’t picked up drum sticks since Oliver left me. 

 

Pete got a round in for us and Mark and I got a table.

 

“See isn’t it nice to be out?” Mark smiled at me and I rolled my eyes.

 

“Sure, just peachy.” My voice dripped with sarcasm but Mark ignored it.

 

“That’s the spirit.”

 

Pete brought over our drinks and I downed my whiskey in one, excusing myself to the bar for another, hearing Pete sigh as I did so. I leant on the bar and sighed to myself as I waited for the bartender to come my way. When he did I ordered three shots of whiskey. 

 

“Someone’s drinking to forget something.”

 

I turned to where the voice had come from to come face to face with caramel curls and plump lips. She had large doe eyes and pouty lips, despite a smile playing on her face.

 

“Yeah drinking to forget those two dorks dragged me out.” I pointed over to our table. 

 

She looked over her shoulder and giggled a little, “You know Detectives Eshleman and Wentz?” She batted her eyelashes at me and I nodded. I paid for my drinks and necked the first one.

 

“Sadly yes. You work with them?”

 

“Yeah, I’m a criminalist.” She smiled shyly.

 

“Oh like all the sciencey type of shit?” I was slurring a little I’m not sure if she noticed. She giggled again and put her hand on my arm.

 

“Yeah something like that.” She smiled brightly. “I’m Debby. Debby Ryan.”

 

“Josh. Josh Dun.” I necked the second whiskey and slightly laughed as I imitated her words.

 

“Well it’s nice to meet you Josh Dun.” She took her hand away and bit her lip. She was flirting with me, it was obvious. 

 

I knew I should leave because she was really barking up the wrong tree but I was kind of drunk and needed a distraction from Oliver. And being so afraid of myself and my sexuality, I found myself taking hold of Debby’s small face and kissing her deeply.

 

She tensed up at first, clearly taken  by surprise. But she soon melted into the kiss. Fuck it was weird kissing a woman, I hadn’t done that since I was in high school. I tried to shake it off and just get into it. But then I was roughly being pulled away from her by my shoulders. 

 

I turned to see Pete behind me.

“I am so sorry about him Debby,” Pete flashed her his charming smile. “This ass is drunk and he didn’t mean to pounce on you like that. Please enjoy the rest of your night.”

 

“Oh…uhm ok?” She looked confused as Pete dragged me away.

 

“What the fuck was that about?” He spat as he threw me down into my chair at the table. I shrugged, “A bit of fun?”

 

“You’re gay for fuck sake!”

 

“Would you keep your fucking voice down?” I hit Pete in the arm and he rolled his eyes.

 

“I don’t fucking get you, I really don’t. You dated a  _man_ for two and half fucking years. You have fucked plenty of other  _men._ You are gay, you know it, I know it, and Mark knows it,” Pete broke his rant to look at Mark who nodded. “So I really don’t get this whole ashamed of who you are, where your practically so far in the closet that your in Narnia, thing Josh.”

 

“You don’t have to  _get it._ You two don’t know what it’s fucking like to have your parents reject you when you come out because for both of you it was all sunshine and fucking rainbows. I’m not ready for the whole fucking world to know, and I don’t know if I ever will be. But that’s my problem, not yours!” I tried to keep my voice low so as no one else would here but I was fuming.

 

“You made it my problem when you started making out with one of my colleagues,” Pete spat. “I don’t care if you want to stay in the closet or whatever, that’s your choice. But do not mess around with poor innocent women just for your goddamn amusement. It isn’t fair.”

 

“Fuck you.” I spat and got back up from the table.

 

“Where are you going?” Mark asked me.

 

“Home! I didn’t want to come out tonight anyway, I was perfectly happy in my slump. So stop trying to cheer me up and stop trying make me come out!” I groaned angrily and then added, “and by that I mean of the apartment  _and_  the closet.” I stormed off then and I knew Pete or Mark wouldn’t dare come after me. 

 

Home was to the left but for some reason I found myself heading right. I needed another drink and I was out so now so I thought I’d hit one more bar. I walked for a while, no real destination in mind when I came to a stop outside Patterns, the gay bar Pete and Mark had taken me to a few times. I don’t know if I’d meant to come here or not. I stood outside on the kerb wondering if I had the balls to go inside.

 

 As much as I hated to admit it, Pete might have had a point the other day, maybe I did need to get laid? I swallowed all my doubts and reached for the door with a shaking hand. It felt like everyone was looking at me when I entered but of course they weren’t. Or maybe they were? I’m not a bad looking guy I guess. Or at least I’m normally not but tonight I probably don’t look my best. I took off my beanie and slipped it into my hoody pocket before ruffling my hair a little. I felt a little sick with nerves. This felt so wrong and I don’t know why. This was where I belonged surely? No one in here was going to look down on me for being gay. 

 

I swallowed and headed to the bar and ordered myself another whiskey because I hadn’t been able to drink my last one at O'Malley’s. I sat on a stool with my back to the bar as I sipped my drink, casting my eyes over the men in the room. No one immediately caught my eye, to be honest I’m extremely fussy. I don’t think I have a type, not one I could put into words anyway. When I met Oliver I had just known. There was just something so electrifying about him that I couldn’t help but be drawn to him. But it wasn’t like I was here looking for a boyfriend, I just wanted a fuck, so I supposed as long as I was at least remotely attracted to someone it would do. 

 

But still, there wasn’t anyone that really stood out to me. Maybe this was a bad idea. None of these men were Oliver, and that’s all I wanted. 

 

When I finished my drink, turning back to the bar and contemplating leaving there was a man stood next to me staring at me. He smiled brightly when our eyes met.

“Sorry to stare,” He laughed. “I wanted to talk to you but you just seemed so mesmerised. I thought it was cute.”

 

Admittedly he was very attractive. His eyes were bright and friendly, one being brown and one being green. He had shagged, bleach burned hair, but that suited him.

 

“Uh yeah sorry…” I shook my head, trying to snap myself out of whatever daze I was in. 

 

“Can I buy you a drink?” The man was still smiling at me and for some reason I felt a little uncomfortable.

 

“I’m not sure, I was thinking about leaving. I don’t think I belong here.”

 

The man chuckled a little, “What are you straight or something?”

 

“Uhm yeah…I mean no…I mean…fuck I don’t know what I mean,” I bit my lip feeling like a world class idiot. “It’s just that…I’m not like really…out. Well I’m kind of out, it’s just I’m not really... at peace with it.”

 

The man chuckled again and touched my arm. I flinched as he touched me, because what if someone saw another man touch me like that? I had to force myself to calm the fuck down; this was a gay bar. I didn’t need to be so terrified. 

 

“You are adorable,” He told me licking his lip. “Please can I buy you a drink?”

 

I thought about saying no and leaving but he was attractive and I  _so_ wanted to get laid right now. So despite myself I found myself nodding, “Ok sure. One drink can’t hurt.”

 

The man beamed and got the bartenders attention before turning back to me, “I’m Awsten by the way.”

 

“Josh.” I smiled shyly. What harm could one drink do?

 

Several drinks later I was in a dark corner of the bar with Awsten’s tongue down my throat. Even in a gay bar I had to try and hide away, hope that no one saw me. I was pathetic, I knew that. Sometimes I wanted to go and shout it from the fucking rooftops, ‘ _I’m gay, So what’_ But most of the time that idea filled me with a crippling fear. Things got heated pretty quickly and we left the bar, jumping in a cab to my apartment. 

 

Awsten tried to continue the make out session in the cab and kept trying to paw at me but I kept pushing him away. Not while someone else could see us. He quickly found my lips again as we got in my apartment and fell over the piles of shit on the floor to my bed. We had, what I can best describe as angry sex.

 

 He fucked me and I kept telling him to go harder, harder, harder, as hard as he possibly fucking could. I wanted to feel something, anything. Sometimes I needed that just to remind myself I was still alive. 

 

“Hit me.” I panted as my orgasm was drawing near.

 

“What?” Awsten looked at me in shock and he started slowing his thrusts.

 

“I said hit me! Fucking do it! Just fucking hit me!” I didn’t realise I was crying, not yet but I don’t whether Awsten felt sorry for me or scared of me but either way he slapped me across the face and I hissed.

 

“Harder! Make me fucking believe it!”

 

He didn’t hold back this time when he hit me hard in the face and despite the tears I smiled. I came very soon after and so did he. It was only then I realised I was crying. 

 

“I should go.” Awsten said throwing the condom in the bin and getting up to dress. I sniffed and buried my head into the pillow. I didn’t hear him leave, I was crying too hard by that point. 

 

That was when I realised it wasn’t sex I was looking for. That wasn’t what I’d needed at all. What I needed was company. I needed some kind of comfort, someone to talk to that wasn’t my idiot friends. Someone to hold me maybe. Someone to just fucking be there. I was lonely. There was no denying that now. I cried until I fell asleep and when I woke up my whole body ached. When had my life become such a mess? 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

 

_He’d called himself Bob although I knew that wasn’t his real name. He was surprisingly young and attractive, on the way back here Patrick told me they aren’t all like that. He brought a bottle of champagne for us to drink and being that I haven’t eaten a lot the last two days it went to my head pretty quickly which made me ease up a little. I tried to forget what was coming, I just tried to keep telling myself that we were just having drinks with the guy that was all. But then he took us back to a hotel room._

 

_He clearly had a lot of money, the hotel was a penthouse suite and it was overly gaudy. Patrick kept whispering in my ear that it was going to be ok, all I had to do was watch. That hadn’t turned out to be the case. I stood awkwardly in the corner of the room as he pounced on Patrick and started kissing him, wasting no time in getting him out of his checked shirt._

 

_I was twiddling my thumbs, not sure where to look or what to do when he started shimming Patrick’s shorts down, now he was just left in his underwear and sneakers._

 

_Bob broke the kiss and looked over at me and the expression on his face I can only describe as dangerous. He licked his lips and said to me, 'I don’t want you to feel left out sweetheart’ to which I quickly replied I was fine._

 

_He came over to me, really close and grabbed me by the arm before throwing me to the bed. I sat up instantly on the edge, he and Patrick both looking at me. I have to say, I’ve never been more fucking terrified in my entire life._

 

_Bob still had the dangerous expression on his face when he turned to Patrick. 'I want to watch you touch him.’ My whole body was screaming no, no fucking way, I wanted to run, I wanted to scream but I was completely frozen to the spot. Patrick just nodded and came over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders he whispered softly to me, 'it’s going to be ok.’ I knew it wasn’t though._

 

_Before I could really comprehend the situation Patrick was on his knees in front of me, his hands on the button of my denim short-shorts as he started unzipping, pulling down my hips, revelling my undies._

 

_Bob hissed, I tried not to look at him. I tried not to look at Patrick either. Patrick made me shift a little so he could pull my shorts down to my knees and instructed me to pull down my briefs. Did I have to? What if I said no? I knew no wasn’t an option. My hand was shaking as I reached and pulled down the underwear, revealing myself. I wasn’t hard, of course I fucking wasn’t, I was too terrified to be hard._

 

_Patrick stood back up and started kissing my neck, biting it a little, clearly trying to help me get it up. I didn’t want that though. But I also knew that the longer it took me to get hard the longer this whole horrible situation was going to last. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine that this was a different situation._

 

_I tried to just imagine I’d met Patrick in a bar and he’d taken me home to fuck me. His lips on my neck did really feel good I couldn’t deny it. I felt my cock begin to twitch and soon I felt Patrick’s hand around my shaft. I heard Bob hiss again but I tried to ignore it. I just tried to focus on Patrick’s hands, one around my shaft pumping me and the other playing with my hair._

 

_Soon I heard Patrick moan loudly and he jolted forward a little almost knocking me back to the bed. I dared to open my eyes and saw Bob behind him, his hands on Patrick’s waist as he thrust into him._

 

_I closed my eyes again, trying to pretend none of this was happening but Patrick’s moans were making that difficult. I let the feeling of his hand stroking me wash over me. I have to admit he knew exactly what he was doing and it did feel good._

 

_Bob started muttering things under his breath, I only really caught the word hot over and over. I was the first to come, spilling my load over my shorts that were pulled down to my knees and on my bare thighs._

 

_Thank god Bob came soon after. He pulled out of Patrick and spun him around to kiss him hard, Patrick’s natural pink toned lipstick transferring to his own lips. That’s when I realised I probably had Patrick’s lipstick all over my neck._

 

_I tried to wipe it away with my hand, anything to distract me from watching Bob and Patrick making out. Bob’s pants were around his ankles which reminded me to pull my own shorts up. I didn’t even think to clean myself off._

 

_When they were done messily making out Bob handed Patrick a wad of cash and then he let us go._

 

_Once outside Patrick found the nearest pay phone and called the number on the white card. All he said was 'it’s done’ and then we started walking._

 

_I didn’t know where we were going and I didn’t ask because I didn’t really even want to look at Patrick after what had just happened._

 

_We walked for what felt like miles before he pulled me down a dark alleyway to another dilapidated building. Hidden out of sight was a black box on the wall. Patrick used the key he’d had in his purse to unlock it. The box was full of smaller mail boxes, each with a name of one of the men written above it. There was one blank one, I assumed that would be mine._

 

_Patrick stuffed the wad of cash through the mail slot with his name on, locked the drop box and then we left._

 

_The black SUV was waiting at the mouth of the alley, this time Matt was driving. He didn’t speak to us, we didn’t speak to each other._

 

_Tonight had been fucking horrible, but I knew the worst was yet to come. I’d gotten off lightly, at least I hadn’t had that guy fuck me. But I knew it was only a matter of time and I briefly wondered, how would I ever look at myself in the mirror again?_

————————————

The next morning I refused to make eye contact with Patrick but when he offered me one of his cigarettes I took it. I thought it might help take the edge off a little. It was horrible and hurt my throat but I didn’t fucking care. 

 

“How you feeling today?” Patrick was sat on the edge of his bed looking at me. I continued to smoke and stare at the opposite wall.

 

“You said I’d just have to watch.” I croaked, images of last night whirring around my brain. 

 

“Well he’s a paying customer, he has the right to change his mind.”

 

“How are you so fucking cool with this?” I turned to look at him now, raising my voice a little more than I’d meant to and catching the attention of the other men in the room. 

 

“Fucking hell newbie, you got off lightly! And at least you got to  _get off.”_

 

“That makes it better does it?” I spat feeling sick to my stomach. “This is fucking horrible and degrading and it’s fucking illegal! And you just act like it’s all some kind of fucking joke!” 

Everyone was looking at me, I could feel it. I didn’t care.

 

“Oh fuck off, buttercup!” Patrick stood up, standing over me trying to intimidate me. “You’re gonna need to learn to grow a thick skin in this business. I’ve seen things, I've  _done things_ that would make you watch to scratch your fucking eyeballs out. But I long ago accepted this is my fucking life ok? I’m not happy about it, I don’t fucking like it, but it is what it is. That’s why I pump that fucking heroin into my body every chance I get because I need to just feel fucking numb! It gets a lot worse from here newbie, you just fucking wait!” Patrick looked as though he was going to lunge at me but we were interrupted by the door opening and Matt and Logan entered the room with breakfast.

 

 I didn’t even think. I threw the cigarette on the floor and I ran full pelt at Matt, knocking him down. I made it to the door before there was a strong set of hands on my shoulders. Logan pulled me back, threw me onto my mattress and started laying into me. 

 

I screamed and cried as he punched me over and over again and I tried desperately to wriggle free when he slapped shackles on my wrists and ankles. He didn’t say a word to me, just gave out the breakfast, I didn’t even get any water this time. When he was gone Gerard appeared over my bed with a smirk on his face.

 

“Know your place newbie.”

 

That night I didn’t get called out because I was covered in bruises and cuts. I was glad of that. I thought maybe if I could keep getting into fights then I would never have to go out. But I knew really that if I kept getting into trouble it would only be a matter of time before they realised I was no use to them and they would kill me. So my options were death, or let them pimp me out. What a life. 

 

They didn’t feed me again that evening and I was so fucking hungry I could cry. No one spoke to me for the entire day either. Most of the guys were called out that night, leaving just myself, Taylor and Brendon who was also still shackled.  When everyone had gone, Taylor scurried over to my bedside and presented a dried roll he’d saved from dinner. He fed me the roll while I cried. 

 

When the others came back they all looked broken and exhausted. Patrick threw himself to his mattress. He didn’t get out of his clothes, his first call of duty was to shoot up. I noticed his eyes looked particularly vacant tonight.

 

“Rough night?” I asked as he put the paraphernalia away. 

 

He rolled his eyes, “They all are.”

 

“Look I’m sorry about this morning. I don’t want my time spent being secluded from everyone.”

 

He looked at me for a few long seconds with a blank expression on his face before he shrugged, “S'ok.” He told me and then he went to get out of his clothes. 

 

I tried to make a mental note of all of this for my notebook later, when my arms were free. 

 

I started to realise that night that my journal might be the only thing left of myself when these monsters were finished with me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't leave comments I'm gonna cast a spell for the hiatus to never end. Please be a good Cliquee, and COMMENT SOMETHING TO WARM MY DAMN SOUL.


	5. Sad Eyes, Bad Guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is in drag this chapter, and honestly? I think Tyler would make sUch a cUtE giRl. Honestly fight me if you think I'm crazy.
> 
> alsoooooo spoiler alert, The boys meet this chapterrrrr and I'm honestly so glad to be getting into the good shittt now.
> 
> Tw- Gross sweaty guys, rough sex, drug use, and slight mentions of self harm.
> 
> ALSO I swear I don't hate Gerard!! I actually love him, I don't know why he is always the evil ones in my fics. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**/// Josh**

I wanted to start making an effort. After the night with Awsten I spent the entire weekend curled up in bed crying. And by the time Monday morning reared its ugly head, I was done. 

 

I hated what this break up had done to me, I was a shell of my former self and I was fucking sick of it. So I got up on Monday, had a really long shower, put on my best slacks and shirt and walked into work with a smile on my face. 

 

I didn’t necessarily feel as happy as I looked but it was all about appearances. 

 

After a long day, I decided against falling to my couch with a bottle of whiskey, and opted to clean my room instead. By the time midnight rolled around I’d done four loads of laundry and you could actually see my bedroom floor. I had a single glass of whiskey just as a reward for my hard work, then I got into bed into with my laptop and started looking at porn. 

 

I don’t know what had come over me the other night with Awsten, asking him to hit me, but I had enjoyed it way more than I ever thought I would. I never thought I would be into all that kind of rough stuff, but I found myself on some kind of BDSM website watching videos of guys in latex suits getting roughly fucked by other guys in latex suits. There were handcuffs, whips, chains and holy shit I couldn’t stop myself from pounding my dick. I didn’t just stop at one orgasm.

 

 By the time I finally fell asleep I’d beaten off four times. The rest of my week was much the same. I’d go to work, plaster on a smile and come home and spend the evening on my new favourite website, masturbating until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. It made me forget how lonely I was. It helped to numb the desperation to feel some kind of human affection. I briefly thought about finding one of these BDSM hideouts and letting someone fuck me like that but I would be too embarrassed. So I kept it my dirty little secret. I seemed to be good at keeping those. It was pretty pathetic.

————————————

On Friday night I agreed to go out with Pete and Mark again with barely any encouragement. We steered clear of O'Malley’s after the whole Debby situation and opted for a quite bar in downtown Brooklyn. I plastered on my smile again, after a whole week of doing so. I was almost getting used to it.

 

“You seem happier.” Pete commented after he brought over our second round of drinks.

 

“I feel happier.” I lied, giving him my best smile. 

 

Mark beamed, “It’s so nice to see you like this again, Josh.”

 

“You got laid didn’t you?” Pete chuckled, staring at me intently. I frowned.

 

“I did not.” This time my lie wasn’t so good because Pete and Mark exchanged a look before they both laughed.

 

“Oh my god you did!” Mark cackled, slapping his knee. “Come on, spill the tea!”

 

I rolled my eyes knowing they wouldn’t drop this. I sipped my drink and leant forward on the table.

“His name was Awsten and I met him at Patterns.”

 

“You went to Patterns? On your own? You hate going there with us!” Pete was still laughing as he spoke. 

 

“I know, I can’t quite believe it myself. But yeah, I took him home, he fucked me. End of story.” I was speaking quietly because of course I didn’t want anyone else to hear. 

 

“You’re not seeing him again?” Mark asked with a serious expression. 

 

“Absolutely not,” I scoffed. “Why would I do that?”

 

“I don’t know, you could go on a date or something?”

 

Sometimes I wondered if my friends knew me at all. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, “In two and half years I never let Oliver take me on a date,” I told him bluntly, trying to ignore the surge of pain I felt saying his name. “Why the fuck would I let some random guy take me out?”

 

“Well you could at least have some kind of fuck buddy scenario? I mean, if that’s what’s put you in this mood I say keep at it!” Pete leant forward and nudged me in the arm. 

 

I tried to not get annoyed. “Nah. I mean it was alright but it wasn’t that good.”

 

“I for one am just glad you’re in a better mood.” Mark smiled, clearly trying to avoid the possibility of me and Pete getting into an argument.

 

“Me too.” Pete agreed, clearly deciding to drop it.

 

“Thanks.” I fake smiled again and turned my attention back to my beer. We all finished our drinks quickly and it was my turn to buy the round. I excused myself from the table heading to the bathroom before the bar. I opted for one of the cubicles.

 

When I came back out there was a person stood over the sink washing their hands. A person wearing a figure hugging red latex dress. They had mousey brown hair that fell below their shoulders. I cleared my throat and the girl turned to face me. She had the most incredible eyes I’d ever seen, a beautiful brown that was as rich as the Earth’s soil paired with an elven nose that sloped up perfectly.

 

“Uhm…I think you’re in the wrong bathroom.” I chuckled a little. Her face immediately paled.

 

“Oh fucking shit!” She proclaimed in a cracking voice that sounded a lot more like a teen boy then a woman, “Fuck.”

 

“It’s ok, we’ve all been there after a few drinks. This one time-“

 

“Yeah sure whatever.” She cut me off, the voice coming from her mouth still boyish and it confused me. 

 

“Fuck I shouldn’t be in here.” She turned on her heels and went for the door but for some reason I reached out and grabbed her wrist.

 

“It’s ok, really. You don’t need to be embarrassed.” The woman was real close to me now and I looked down and watched her swallow and fuck…was that an Adam’s apple? No, it couldn’t be, I must have been imagining it.

 

“You never saw me.” She spat, her voice now a few octaves higher. 

 

She flattened down her curls and then she wriggled free of my hold and vanished. I noticed something small and white flutter to the floor as she fled.

 

 I bent down and picked up the small card, no bigger than a business card, it had a phone number written on it in big black letters. I briefly wondered if it might be hers and that was her way of leaving it for me but I thought I should at least check. I fled the bathroom and spotted her quickly in the bar, she was very tiny, much smaller and younger looking then everyone else in the bar. 

 

I rushed over to her and tapped her on the shoulder. She was smiling seductively as she turned around but the smile quickly faded when she saw me.

 

“Oh god what do you want now? I said it was a mistake going in there, can you just drop it?” Her voice was higher again as she spoke and god, her eyes were making me go a little weak. I couldn’t deny she was stunningly beautiful, I don’t think I have ever looked at a woman like this before. Not in my whole life. I held out the card, “You dropped this.”

 

Her eyes flicked down to the item in my hand and she quickly reached to snatch it away. Her hands were small but definitely not feminine and delicate, her nails were bitten down to stubs. Our eyes met again as she stuffed the card back inside her purse.

 

“Thank you.” She whispered, swallowing again and that time I swore I saw and Adam’s apple. Was she a man? Or maybe she was transgender? Either way she was just about one of the most beautiful creatures I had ever laid eyes on in my entire life and it confused me no end. 

 

Despite the fact I was in the closet, I have always been very sure that I am gay. But whoever this woman was she was making me doubt that.

 

“Is that all?” She asked a little frustrated after a while, folding her arms across her chest. It was my turn to swallow. I didn’t have anything to say but I didn’t want to leave. She was captivating.

 

“Uhm…yeah I guess so.” I shrugged.

 

“Well beat it then.” She scoffed. I bit my lip and the next words that came out of my mouth left my lips before I’d realised I was going to say them.

 

“You are the most perfect thing I have ever seen.”

 

Her face dropped again and this time I detected a slight blush under her make-up. She looked as though she was about to respond but then a large, older man approached us.

 

“You must be Taylor.” He smiled at her, kissing her cheek and my heart dropped. She gave me one last fleeting look before she turned to the man.

 

“That’s me.” She giggled. I slowly backed away.  _Taylor._ It suited her.

 

For the rest of the night I kept glancing over at her and every so often she would glance back. She would laugh at things the older man would say and when he touched her arm she did a really good job of pretending to enjoy it. When his hand slid up her thigh, I noticed her face pale a little and I almost went over there and hit the guy. 

 

I stood from the table all of a sudden, as if she knew, she looked over at me. She bit her red lipstick coated lip and shook her head at me. Not long after that, they were leaving together and he put his large meaty hand on Violet’s ass cheek as he motioned her to the door. Why hadn’t I noticed that ass before? That was the best ass I had ever seen in my life. It actually made my dick stir in my pants. What the fuck was happening to me? My sexuality was suddenly slipping away from me. 

 

If she was in fact a woman, it seemed as though I wasn’t quite as gay as I thought I was. Maybe Taylor was the answer to my prayers. 

 

Maybe Taylor was the one woman that could turn me straight. Good job I had an amazing memory because I had that phone number on that card stored in my brain. I just had to hope it was hers and I could somehow see her again. 

 

The only time I’d ever felt like this after meeting someone for the first time before, was with Oliver. 

 

That incredible spark, that feeling that I just knew this person was special. There was something about her that I couldn’t shake. God life would be so much easier if I was straight. 

 

I didn’t use my website for my sordid fantasies tonight. No, tonight I imagined Taylor. I imagined bending her over my bed, hot red latex dress riding up to reveal that perfect ass. I jerked off more than once to images of me pounding her phenomenal ass. 

 

It was the best fucking orgasms of my life. I had to see her again, I just fucking had to. I wouldn’t be happy until she was mine. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_March 25th_

 

 _They had made me go out in drag. Once in a while there was a client that was in the closet, who asked us to look our girliest and come meet them. The guy’s had done my makeup, all knowing how to do nice drag to make me look like a real woman. I was cute, I had to say. But shit_ , _I need to be more fucking careful. Change my voice, act older. What an idiot. When that guy saw me in there I panicked, he thought I’d accidentally stumbled in there but I just hadn’t been thinking.._

 

_I could have blown my whole cover and if that had gotten back to Santino I would have been in trouble. My previous bruises hadn’t even completely healed but they’d sent me out a few days ago and made me cover the marks with make-up._

 

_Tonight was my fourth trick and each one was somehow worse than the last. The guy was much older and profusely sweaty. When he’d put his large clammy hand on my thigh before we left the bar I almost found it kind of sweet that the guy from the bathroom had shot up to try and protect me. Thankfully he’d acknowledged me shaking my head and the sweaty man who called himself Tom took me back to a hotel._

 

_I still wanted to burst into tears when they fucked me, it wasn’t getting any less degrading. I spent the night on my back, biting my bottom lip hard to try and stem the tears. He’d had stamina this one, he’d fucked me for what felt like hours and I was sore by the time he finally pulled out. I didn’t come, I don’t even think I got hard. Tom didn’t seem to notice._

 

_When he pulled out he laid down next to me and put a sweaty arm around my naked body. He kissed my lips, my lipstick rubbing off onto his own when he pulled away._

 

_I sat up and croaked the word ‘money’ which he gave me and I dressed, reapplied a little make-up and left._

 

_I now had my own card with Nicolas’ number on it and my own key for the drop box. I called Nicolas from the nearest pay phone and told him it was done and headed across town to deposit my money._

 

_The mail slot that had previously been blank now read 'Tyler’ and I tucked the money inside, locked the box and the black SUV was waiting for me on the street like usual. Logan drove me back in silence._

 

_The rest of them were already back when I was thrown into the basement. I kicked my heels off and fell to my mattress pulling out a packet of smokes I’d bought the other day with some of the money they’d given me. I also bought a bottle of vodka which was almost empty now._

 

_I pulled it out of my bag and downed the rest of it in one. Patrick was out of his clothes and laying on his front on the mattress next to me. I could tell by his glazed over eyes that he had his nightly hit._

 

_“Good night?” He asked without looking over at me._

 

_I dragged on the cigarette, “Just the best.” I grumbled._

 

_When I finished my cigarette I forced myself back up to get out of my clothes and threw on a pair of jogging bottoms. I laid on my back and I thought about the man from the bathroom._

 

_He had been incredibly attractive, if my client had looked like that I might not have minded letting him fuck me all night. He had kind, mocha eyes that I swear I saw sparkle when he looked at me._

 

_His hair was blue and shaved at the sides and I wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through it._

 

_He had a nose ring and a colourful tattoo that ran all down his arm, it looked like nonsense with a tree and outer space but I couldn’t help but smile thinking about it._

 

_He looked sweet and a part of me had wanted to fall into his arms just to see what it would feel like to have them wrapped around me and to lean on his chest._

 

_If he’d known the truth about me, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so nice to me. I closed my eyes and pictured his face. His smile had made me feel a little weak at the knees. I felt myself growing hard just thinking about him. Without thinking, my hand slid under the blanket and into my jogging bottoms. I slid them down enough to free my erection and started stroking myself, imaging the man with the sparkling eyes was doing it._

 

_His words swirled around my head as I quickened my pace. ‘You are the most perfect thing I have ever seen.’ No one had ever said anything like that to me before and I tried to forget that if he knew I was a man who was basically a prostitute and more used then my small frame looked, he would take it back._

 

_I bit my lip so a moan couldn’t slip out. I’m sure the others knew what I was doing but there was no goddamn privacy in this hell hole, even the toilet was just a fucking bucket in the corner. And I’d seen some of them doing the same. I needed a release, I’d been fucked every night this week and was yet to come._

 

_I quickened my pace even more so as I imagined his head disappearing between my legs. I thought about running my fingers through his hair, him looking up at me through those eyes and smiling at me._

 

_I was biting my lip so hard I tasted blood as my orgasm washed over me but I didn’t make a sound. My come covered my hand and the underside of the blanket. I wiped my hand on the side of the mattress and tucked my dick away before flipping the blanket over. I lolled my head to the side and Patrick was staring at me._

————————————

 _“_ Next time you need a release, let me know if you need a hand.” He winked at me. I swallowed.

 

“I thought you said you got fucked enough for one lifetime?” I raised an eyebrow at him which made him chuckle.

 

“No one said anything about fucking. But I miss the foreplay sometimes.” He winked again and then rolled over so his back was to me, signifying the conversation was over. I wasn’t sure what to make of that but I tried not to think about it. 

 

My thoughts were already occupied by the man from the bathroom. I wished there was a way I could see him again. I wished I wasn’t in this horrible situation and we’d met under better circumstances. But if that had been the case then I wouldn’t have been in a bar or in drag, and he probably wouldn’t have talked to me in the first place.

 

He was in my dreams that night. I felt happy when I thought about him, for the first time since I’d bumped into Santino. Maybe I was meant to meet this man. Maybe he was what was going to help me through this ordeal. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking. I needed something to just help me get through the day. 

————————————

_May 24th_

_Brendon’s gone. After his last break out attempt, Matt and Logan had taken him away._

 

_That was over a week ago and we haven’t seen him since. Ryan hasn’t stopped crying. Last night when all the others had gotten sick of him I crawled into bed next to him and held him while he cried. This morning he thanked me. It was one of the first times we’d spoken. I haven’t written in here much recently because it feels so pointless._

 

_My life has been spiralling out of control these past few months and I completely understand why all of these men have given up, because I have too. There’s no way out this, this is just my fucking life now._

 

_For a while I somehow expected someone to storm in here and save us all but obviously that was never going to happen. I’d been on my best behaviour, mostly because I’ve been so fucking hungry all the time. I didn’t want to do anything that could stand in the way of the minuscule amount of food we were given._

 

_I stayed out of trouble but somehow trouble had found me._

 

_Gerard hated me. He hated that I was so, as Patrick put ‘adorably twinkish’ because before I came along he was always the cute one._

 

_He hated that I was getting more calls than him, that I was making more money and becoming the favourite. A few weeks ago he confronted me, pushed me into the corner of the room and punched me several times in the face. He’d laughed and said 'not so cute now are you?’ The others had just stood by and watched and I didn’t blame them. It gave me a few nights off though which was nice._

 

_I had a particularly traumatising experience about a month ago. A guy had taken me out for drinks and instead of going back to a hotel like I was used to, he took me to some kind of underground sex dungeon. It had a large metal table in the middle of the room and there were whips and chains and stuff everywhere._

 

_He made me change into a full latex suit, the only holes were at my dick, ass and eyes. There was a zipper over the mouth but he kept it closed. He bent me over the large metal table and cuffed my hands behind my back. He spent what felt like hours whipping me with various implements, each one hurt more than the last but when I tried to cry out my voice was muffled. He kept saying I was a dirty faggot, a nasty queer and other such homophobic slurs. He fucked me harder than I’d ever been fucked before to the point that it hurt. But when he came, he wasn’t done. He fucked me with a large black sex toy that was so big it felt like it was ripping me in two._

 

_He kept telling me to come but I couldn’t because what he was doing didn’t feel good at all and I couldn’t even touch my own dick because I was cuffed. Eventually he used his other hand to pump me and after what felt like forever I managed to come and he stopped._

 

_He took off my mask and with a dangerous smile he swiped my come from the metal table and wiped it over my face. I was shaking a little as I changed back into my clothes and I was so unbelievably sore._

 

_He paid me, I made my phone call, went to the drop box and Logan collected me. I was the last one back that night and clearly I must have looked shaken because Patrick who was in the middle of shooting up, removed the elastic from his arm and came over to my bed._

 

_He sat next to me and held the syringe out with a shrug and I didn’t think twice. I let him tie the elastic to my arm and I also let him inject it into me._

 

_The heroin was one of the most incredible feelings I’ve ever experienced. It made me feel numb and I needed that more than anything. So now I buy my own and do it almost as much as Patrick does._

 

_I’ve found another coping mechanism too; cutting. I don’t know what made me do it the first time but one night when everyone was asleep and the heroin wasn’t doing its usual job I found one of my old razors and pulled the plastic off to reveal the sharp insides. I sat on my mattress and cut a few times into my upper thigh. Blood pooled on my bed but I didn’t care. It felt, even if only momentarily, better._

————————————

_May 29th_

_I haven’t seen the light of day in over two months. We only got let out under the cover of darkness. I’ve always been a night owl but fuck, I miss the feeling of the sun on my skin. I feel weaker every day. My legs shake every time I stand up; my arms tremble every time I lift something. Every time we leave this room I try to work out where exactly we are but of course it’s always dark and even if it wasn’t, I don’t know New York._

 

_I still think about the guy from the bathroom in that bar all the time. I always try to picture his beautiful face whenever I’m getting fucked. I’ve just got back and undressed and thinking about his face is making me horny._

 

_Who knows how I get so horny after the things I’ve had done to me but fuck, that man was gorgeous. I can feel my erection growing as I write this. I’m going to have to do something about it…_

————————————

I reached under the blanket and slipped my hand into my pants with a low hiss. I closed my eyes as I wrapped my hand around my shaft and pictured him. Before I got moving, the weight shifted on my mattress and I opened my eyes to see Patrick was straddling me, a smirk on his lips.

 

“What did I say?” He mumbled in my ear. “I told you I could help.”

 

Before I could comprehend what was happening, his head was disappearing under my blanket and his lips wrapped around my dick. 

 

I gasped and quickly covered my mouth. The others knew exactly what was going on but I was ok with that. I was desensitised to all of this now. I tangled my fingers in Patrick’s hair as he worked my dick, I still couldn’t help but picture the man from the bar. 

 

I came in record time and Patrick swallowed every last drop. When he came back up he was smirking. 

“You can make it up to me sometime.” He winked. 

 

I don’t know what came over me but I grabbed the collar of Patrick’s shirt, pulled him close and kissed him. Patrick pulled back and looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

 

“Ok, too far.” He shook his head and then got up and flopped back down on his bed. I cursed myself under my breath. What an absolutely fucking stupid thing to do. I heard Gerard laugh from his corner.

 

“Nice one newbie.” He scoffed. I wanted to fight him but it didn’t seem worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHH *internal screeching at Josh thinking he's straight now* LEAVE ME COMMENTS TO MAKE ME SMILE PLEASE.


	6. Hey Moon, Please Forget To Fall Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF ITS GETTIN GOOD. Hope you enjoyyyyyyyy. 
> 
> TW- fuckin hot smut if I don't toot my own horn, drug abuse mentions, self harm mentions

**/// Josh**

I’d been carrying that number around in my phone for almost three months now. I thought about Taylor every day, what she might be doing, did she remember me? It had taken my mind off of Oliver at least but I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. 

 

I’d been in much higher spirits recently and thoughts of Taylor helped, of course I didn’t tell my friends that. 

 

They’d thought it was weird when they invited me to Patterns one Saturday night and I didn’t protest, I just went along with it. 

 

Pete and Mark were already there when I entered, much less nervous than I am usually when I enter the place. Maybe that was because I’d all but convinced myself that maybe I was straight now, maybe all it had taken was a beautiful woman.  _Taylor._

 

 _“_ You actually made it, I was starting to think you were just lying when you said you’d come.” Pete patted me on the back and I smiled, accepting the drink he gave me.

 

“Why wouldn’t I come?” I chuckled and I saw Pete and Mark exchange a look.

 

“Because you hate gay bars?” Mark frowned and I chuckled again. 

 

“Look, something happened guys.” I sipped my drink. “It’s so fucking weird but I think…I think I might have met someone…a woman.”

 

Pete and Mark exchanged a look before they both burst out laughing. 

 

“Yeah good one!” Mark laughed and Pete chuckled. 

 

I sipped my drink until their laughter subsided, “I’m being serious.”

 

“Oh come on!” Pete hit me in the arm. “I know you’re closeted but you are  _so_ fucking gay Josh, don’t joke.” Mark shook his head.

 

“I met a fucking woman,” I insisted, “And she is so unbelievably beautiful I can’t even explain it.” I was swooning, I couldn’t stop myself. “She has these incredible deep brown eyes and messy brown hair you just wanna run your fingers through. And god her ass…her ass is totally out of this world.”

 

“What the fuck is going on?” Mark put his hand to my forehead as if checking for a temperature. “Are you feeling ok?”

 

“I feel fine.” I pushed him off me. 

 

“This can’t be happening, you’re gay.”

 

“Maybe I’m not as gay as I thought I was.” I shrugged.

 

“Dude you know better than anyone else that you can’t just wish yourself straight. God knows you’ve tried but you can’t. You were born this way, this thing with this girl-“

 

“Taylor.” I cut Pete off.

 

“Whatever. This thing is just you wishing to be straight. But you aren’t, so stop this please?”

 

“Stop what? She’s so hot man, seriously I never thought I would be attracted to a woman any more than you did but it’s happened.”

 

“Joshua,” Mark put his hand on my arm. “You are a gold star gay, you wouldn’t even know what to do with a vagina.”

 

“I could learn.”

 

“This is dumb.” Pete shook his head. “Mark, we need to find him a smoking hot dude to fuck this stupid idea right out of his head.”

 

“I don’t want a smoking hot guy!” I protested. “I am so fucking fed up with this. My whole life I have spent wishing I wasn’t gay. I would have done just about anything not to be. And ok, so eventually I kind of just went along with it but you two know better than anyone that I hate being this way. My life would be so much fucking easier if I was straight and now I’ve met a woman I am actually attracted to, what’s the harm?”

 

“Josh,” Mark cooed, “It’s just a phase.”

 

“Fuck you.” I spat. I slammed my drink down on the bar and had every intention of leaving. 

 

“Oh what about him? He’s right up your alley.” Pete grabbed my arm and turned me in the direction he was looking. 

 

Across the bar was a tiny boy with brown fluffy hair. He was dancing with a couple of other guys, his body moving so fluidly with the music. My breath caught in my throat, Pete was right he was right up my alley. 

 

“Wow.” I choked out, my eyes glued on him, mesmerised by the way he moved. I couldn’t stop myself, I barged passed my friends and headed straight over to him.

 

I don’t know what had come over me, I was never this forward especially not where anyone could see but there was like a magnetic current pulling me to him. I tapped him on the shoulder and he spun around to look at me. His eyes were large and brown, I thought they were very similar to Taylor’s but I didn’t think about her now.

 

 I was going to speak but I couldn’t think of anything to say so instead, in a move very unlike myself, I grabbed his face and I kissed him hard. To my surprise he just kissed me back, flinging his arms around my neck. We made out in the middle of the dance floor, his friends were probably watching and I knew mine would be. When the kiss broke he was smiling seductively at me. 

 

I leant in close to his ear so I could be heard over the music, “Wanna get out of here?”

 

He just grinned bashfully before nodding his head. He turned to one of his friends briefly and they came close to him and said something in his ear but I didn’t catch what he said. Then the guy grabbed his coat and let me lead him outside. I saw Pete and Mark high five each other.

————————————

“I’m Josh.” I panted as the man straddled me on my bed.

 

“Tyler.” He kissed me again before he stripped his t-shirt off. His lips were on my neck after that, sucking hard at my skin and I hissed, scraping my nails over the soft flesh of his back. 

 

There was something so oddly familiar about him, as though I’d met him before but I was sure I would remember that face. He got me out of my own shirt and kissed down my torso. I played with his hair that sat adorably fluffy on top of his head. Those eyes were captivating. 

 

“I want you to fuck me.” He panted and my groin stirred.

 

“Oh fuck yes.” I pulled him down and kissed him again. Tyler sat back so he could unbutton his pants. I noticed the track marks first, and soon after when his jeans were gone, I noticed the cuts on his thigh. I didn’t mention either, it wasn’t my place. 

 

He kissed back down my torso and played with the button on my jeans. He didn’t tease me for too long before undoing them and I elevated my hips so he could slide them down my legs. I reached out to touch him, any bit of him and stroked his leg, it was oddly smooth, not at all what I was expecting.

 

“You shave your legs?” I raised an eyebrow as he came down to kiss me again.

 

“Yeah…hate body hair.” He fixed his lips to mine again as if to stop me questioning him. Through the flimsy material of our boxers I could feel his hard dick rubbing against mine and it felt incredible. He was grinding his hips to intensify the feeling and my hands were in his boyish hair and it was so fucking soft. 

 

His hands were on my chest as he continued to kiss me, hard and passionate as though he couldn’t get enough of me. My hands found his chest and played with his nipple and it made him squeal and roll his hips harder.

 

“I need you.” He spoke, breathy voice on my ear. He sat back a little and smiled.

 

“Don’t worry, you’re going to get me.  _All_ of me.” I groaned and Tyler’s lips moved back to my neck and down across my chest before he sat back up, “Top drawer?” He asked me, clearly knowing where my stash would be. 

 

I nodded dumbly and he reached over to the bedside unit rummaging in the top draw. I couldn’t take my eyes off his track marks. Was he high now? When he moved back over to me I couldn’t stop myself stroking the marks and Tyler recoiled his arm.

 

“Don’t,” He shook his head. “Don’t ruin this.” His eyes shined with sadness.

 

I nodded my understanding and thankfully he was kissing me again in an instant. I couldn’t stop thinking about them though. He sat back once more and I tried not to look at them, or his scars on his leg as he threw the bottle of lube and condom into my lap.

 

“Pants off.” He told me, whining almost, if I wasn’t mistaken I swear his hands were shaking. I did as I was told and it felt so good to let my cock out of the confines of my pants. He smiled down on me and licked his lips, it made me shudder. 

 

My hand trailed between his legs after I covered my fingers in lube before I placed a finger, all cool and wet pressing lightly to the outside of his hole. I had never wanted someone so badly in all my life. 

 

“Please, Josh.” He whispered which made me chuckle. I didn’t waste any more time, my fingers slid gracefully inside of him and he let out a broken moan. I didn’t think a moan could be adorable and sexy at the same time, but Tyler had proven that it was possible.

 

I was scissoring him in no time, two fingers quickly becoming three. He was already a mess, writhing in the bed, screwing up the bed sheets in his small hands. I knew, I knew exactly what I was doing to him and I was fucking enjoying it. 

 

When I could tell how desperate he was, I pulled my fingers out and ripped open a condom with my teeth before slowly teasing it down my cock. Tyler was biting his lip in anticipation as I coated some lube on as well. 

 

I bowed my head and kissed him hard as my dick found its way between his legs. 

 

He gasped, feeling the head resting between his cheeks as I nibbled on his bottom lip. 

 

“Someone’s desperate.” I smirked. I didn’t know what was making me so damn cocky and egotistical all of a sudden. He retaliated by grabbing my hair and yanking it back a little to reveal the soft flesh on my neck.

 

I gasped now as Tyler sunk his teeth into my skin, biting and sucking big marks on my neck. As he did so, I pushed my way inside him and he groaned loudly, his lips falling from my neck. 

 

I grinned at him and took his tiny legs and wrapped them around my toned waist before I began thrusting. 

 

His legs clamped tightly around me, and I and lifted his hips a bit so I could get all the way inside. It felt as though I fit perfectly inside, in a way no one ever has felt before.

 

My thrusts quickly got harder and I held his hips for stability. One of his hands found my ass, the other, my bleach burned, blue hair.

 

I let go of one of his hips and took his shaft in his hand. He was already leaking, this was all too much, but so, so good 

 

I could feel my toes curling; my whole body felt as though it was on fire. My thrusts got harder still as I tried to match them with the pumps on his dick. 

 

I was panting so heavily, sweat gathering at my temples as my orgasm drew near. My fingernails were digging into the flesh on his hips and it was making Tyler hiss as I scratched down my back and ass.

 

“Gonna come.” He panted up at me in his tiny creaky voice. I picked up my pace on his dick and seconds later he was coming all over the both of us. 

 

I smirked and bowed my head to kiss his as I continued to thrust into the boy. The kiss was messier this time and I knew that meant I was close too. Soon I felt my dick twitching and then my head rolled back, visible bruises were already appearing on his neck, and I moaned deeply before I came. 

 

I fell down on top of the smaller boy and we were both panting and sweating. We stayed like that for a while, neither of us had the energy to move. Once I caught my breath, I  pulled out, stripped off the condom and tossed it in my trash can. 

 

I fell down next to him and instinctively wrapped my arm around him and pulled him close to me. I kissed his sweat dampened forehead. He looked up at me through hazy eyes.

 

“God you really are beautiful,” I stroked his cheek and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. I saw him blush even though he tried to hide his face.

 

“Thanks,” He whispered but then he was removing himself from my hold. “I have to go.” He sat up and put his briefs back on. My heart plummeted in an instant.

 

“Oh, really?” I tried not to sound disappointed but I couldn’t help it. He pulled on his jeans and turned back to me. “Yeah. I wish I didn’t, but yeah.”

 

“Don’t then.” I sounded pathetic but I so didn’t want him to go. This didn’t happen with me very often, but it was that spark thing again. 

The first time I’d ever felt it in my life was with Oliver and then here it was again after Taylor, I’d felt it twice in the space of a few months. 

 

“I have to. I’m so sorry.” Tyler looked genuinely sad as he said this and I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me. 

 

“Can I at least have your number? I’d love to see you again.”

 

Tyler picked up his shirt, threw it on and started doing up the buttons,

“I don’t have a cell phone.”

 

“Oh,” I pulled a face, so that’s how it was going to be. “If you don’t want to give me your number just tell me, you don’t need to lie.”

 

“I’m not I swear!” He knelt back on the bed and touched my face. I melted into the touch. “I’m just…I’m a technophobe.” He shrugged and got back up before looking at me with those sad doe eyes. He looked so sad that I wanted to believe him.

 

“So this is it then?” I covered myself up and sat up and watched as he slid on his pink checkered vans.

 

“It kind of has to be.”

 

“Ok.” I croaked feeling horribly deflated. Tyler came back over to me once more and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

 

“Thanks for tonight though, it was… _amazing._ I really mean it.” Tyler smiled sadly at me. I bit my lip and nodded.

 

“Yeah, it really was.”

 

“I won’t forget you, Josh.” Tyler smiled as he got back up, picking up his jacket, “Promise.” He winked at me and then he sauntered out the room and out of the apartment. 

 

It hurt way more than it should have.

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_June 2nd_

_Tonight has been a whirlwind. When I felt that tap on my shoulder in the club my initial instinct was fear because I thought it must be Matt or Logan. Or worse, Nicolas. They’d actually let us out for the night, Patrick said it was only the third time he ever remembered them doing that. We’d all been on our best behaviours and we were all bringing them in so much money that they’d let us have one night off._

 

_They’d dropped us off at the club and told us we had three hours before they would be back to pick us up. I was sure I wasn’t going to get in because I’m only 17, but the club didn’t have security and I stayed clear of the bar, letting the older guys get my drinks. It was so nice to be out, you have no idea. It felt so good just to be myself, to be the real Tyler for a change. It was good to see the others smile and laugh for the first time. It was nice to not worry about anything even if only for a few hours. It was nice to be normal._

 

_So thinking it would be Matt or Logan, I slowly turned around only to come face to face with the guy with the nose ring and colourful tattoo from the bar a few months back._

 

_I recognised him instantly and I wondered momentarily if I could possibly still be in drag and he was coming over because he recognised me but I wasn’t and he didn’t. I went to speak, I’m not sure what I was going to say, something sassy like, 'can I help you?’ But he was suddenly grabbing my face and kissing me and there was no way I was going to stop him._

 

_I simply threw my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. When he asked me if I wanted to get out of there I couldn’t stop myself saying yes. I turned back to Patrick and he nodded subtly before coming close and whispering in my ear, 'just please make sure you come back on time.’ I nodded and let the man lead out the bar. He told me his name was Josh and I told him mine. I wondered briefly if I should have given him another fake name but I was too far gone, I wanted this man to know the real one._

 

_There was something so exciting about this. This was the man that had called me perfect when I was Taylor and he wanted me now as Tyler too. There was something so uplifting about that, he didn’t just want one side of me, he wanted my alter ego too. I also liked that he didn’t know it was me, it was exciting to have that secret to myself._

 

_You would think that after everything that happened to me, sex would be the furthest thing from my mind but I would challenge any gay man not to want to be fucked by Josh. He was without a doubt one of the most attractive men I had ever laid eyes on, if my clients looked like him I wouldn’t mind so much._

 

_It was so nice to be fucked by someone when you are actually enjoying it, infact was amazing, I wasn’t lying when I told Josh that. It was so good to have someone want to be with me that didn’t have to pay me after._

 

_Josh was fucking big and muscular and beautiful and probably everything I’ve always wanted in a man. We had a moment when his fingertips brushed my track marks and I almost left right then and there. But I don’t think he meant to upset me, and I needed him so badly. It actually pained me to have to leave. He looked so sad and vulnerable sitting in the bed as I got dressed._

 

_I could tell he was lonely, he just wanted comfort from someone. But I couldn’t be the one to give it to him. I wished we could have met under different circumstances because if I wasn’t what I am or in the situation I was in, you better believe I would never have left him. I would have stayed there with him forever if I could. I promised him I wouldn’t forget him and I won’t. Not ever._

 

_A part of me thought about getting a fucking knife and cutting that microchip out of my skin and smashing it into a million pieces, if it meant I could stay here with Josh forever. There was something about him that made me feel safe, probably for the first time in my entire life. I felt instantly relaxed around him which didn’t happen to me a lot, not these days anyway._

 

_That very short time I got to lay in his arms, I felt as though all was right with the world. But maybe it was best this way. Maybe if we saw each other again it would only ruin things. This way we both have a perfect memory of each other to keep forever. Untainted._

 

_I made it back to the club and the first thing Patrick said was that I had to cover the hickeys on my neck before Matt and Logan turned up. I hadn’t even really registered that they were there._

 

_Patrick gave me the bandana he wore as an accessory, hanging out of his pocket, to tie around my neck, making me look like a Boy Scout._

 

_He ran his fingers through my hair a few times, probably trying to make it look as though I hadn’t just been having sex and moments later we saw the SUV’s pull up outside. Myself, Patrick, Andy and the real Taylor got in the one Matt was driving and Gerard, Ryan and Matty got in Logan’s._

 

_I could tell Patrick was dying to ask questions but it was going to have to wait until Matt wasn’t in ear shot._

 

_The second we were all back in the basement and the door was locked behind us, I had six men crowding around my mattress._

 

_“Come on, tell what happened!” Andy clapped his hands together._

 

_“Yeah that guy was smoking, how the fuck did you manage that?” Patrick laughed._

 

_So I told my captive audience the whole story. About how I’d met Josh in bathroom of that one bar when I was in drag as ‘Taylor’ and then I told them all the sordid details of our night spent together. They all hung off my every word, Gerard included._

 

_When I finished the story, Patrick high fived me, “Well fucking done, Ty!” He lit a cigarette. That was probably one of the first times he hadn’t called me newbie._

 

_“Fucking hell, teach me your ways, I am a mere mortal compared to you, Tyler!” Gerard said and I was so taken a back I’m sure it was written all over my face. He’d never been nice to me and never called me Tyler. I was starting to feel like I belonged._

 

_Even though this situation was shitty, the whole ordeal would be a lot easier to handle if I could call these men my friends. For the first time in the three months I’d been down here, I didn’t feel like the newbie anymore._

————————————

We were all surprised when later that night the door opened once more and Matt entered the room. 

 

His eyes were trained on me and only me. I swallowed hard.

“Tyler, with me.” He nodded his head towards the door. 

 

I looked at Patrick who pulled a face and mouthed,  _good luck._ I tentatively got up from the bed and followed Matt from the room. 

 

He led me upstairs to the office where I’d had my first meeting with Alice. He sat behind the desk and I sat in the chair opposite.

 

“Nicolas wants to know where you went tonight.” He cut right to the chase. I wondered where Nicolas was, or where Logan was, you rarely saw the henchmen on their own. 

 

“What do you mean?” I played dumb, it was stupid really.

 

“Come on Tyler, you know we track you. You left the club for almost an hour. Where were you?” To my surprise he didn’t sound angry. He sounded as though he wanted to get this over as quickly as I did. I bit my lip and tried to rack my brain for an excuse.

 

“I went to meet my dealer.” I shrugged, hoping that sounded believable. 

 

“For an hour?” Matt raised an eyebrow at me. I’d never heard him speak this much.

 

“Asshole was late,” I shrugged again. “I was back on time though so no harm done right?” Please don’t beat me, I thought.

 

Matt sighed and stood back up, “Don’t do it again.” He told me and with that he led me back to the basement. 

————————————

I’m not the newbie anymore. Three days after the night at the club a _girl_ was carried downstairs by Matt and Logan and dumped on Brendon’s old bed, making Ryan cry again. 

 

She’d clearly been drugged and chipped and I guess we just waited for her to wake up. I felt for the girl, when she woke up her whole fucking world was going to change. 

 

I remembered it well. If it hadn’t been for Patrick on the first day I would have gone crazy so I decided when she woke up I was going to try and do for him what Patrick had done for me. 

 

As expected the girl had gone mad when she realized what was going on. Much like I had done when I found myself here, she started clawing at the door, the walls, and the floor. The other guys just tried to ignore her, they’d all been here so long I guess they’d forgotten what it was like. 

 

When she finally calmed down and retired back to her mattress in floods of tears I came over to her. I put my hand on her shoulder.

 

“Hey, I’m Tyler.” I spoke softly, trying to calm her. “What’s your name? Your fake name?”

 

She blinked at me a few times, I guessed she was trying to tell if I was friend or foe, and come up with a name.

 

She wiped her eyes on the back of her hoody sleeve and sniffed loudly, “Hayley.” Hayley had bright artificial orange hair in a fringe that rested over half of her face. She had scared eyes and a quivering lip.

 

She reached for my hand and I let her take it, “What the hell is this place?”

 

God I remembered it so well. She had a tiny glint of hope in her eyes. That would soon disappear. I told her everything and she cried on my shoulder.

 

I glanced over at Patrick and he gave me a soft smile and a nod. I guessed I’d done good. Hayley told me she’d been doing musical stuff for a few years in her hometown, where that was I don’t know because I told her not to tell me. 

 

Like me, she’d moved to New York to try and further her career and then she’d been approached by Nicolas at the bus station. And now she was one of us. 

 

Ryan tried to run away a few nights later. He hadn’t stopped crying since Hayley was brought in. I guess he realised that Brendon really wasn’t coming back. 

 

We’d all gone out for our call outs and about an hour after we got back, Patrick turned to me, a slight worried expression on his face and whispered, “where do you think Ryan’s gotten to?”

 

A few more hours passed when the door burst open and Matt and Logan carried a drugged and beaten Ryan to his bed and shackled him. I have no idea what actually happened because Ryan hasn’t said a single word since, but I just figure he was caught trying to run away. 

 

Heroin had quickly become my best friend. It was the thing I turned to when I was at my lowest, which was most days to be honest. I also cut more frequently, usually when the others were asleep. There were some things I wanted to keep private. 

 

Two weeks had passed since the night I spent with Josh, the night I got to spend with a nice man just being Tyler. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him. Every time some creep fucked me I imagined it was Josh and his beautiful rich brown eyes that were looking down at me, making me feel safe. I missed him, I don’t know why. Even before all of this shit I was never much of the relationship type. I’d had plenty of one night stands and never given the guy a second thought. There was something different about Josh  but I couldn’t put my finger on what. 

 

I suppose it didn’t really matter because it’s not like I was ever going to see him again. But the memory of that night helped me get through the shit I dealt with on a daily basis. So I guessed I should be thankful for that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER excited for you guys to read the next chapter. O BOI ITS A LONG ONE (10k, your welcome) your in for a treat ;) It will be up tomorrow or Thursday, I'm gonna try for tomorrow night though. LEAVE ME COMMENTS THEY MAKE ME HAPPY.


	7. Damn Your Kiss and The Awful Things You Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLOOOOO. Hope you guys like this chapter :P I was high when I wrote this so sorry for any mistakes. Sorry if its confusing having Tyler also being called Taylor hahahah.
> 
> Also this is such a fluffy chapterrrrrrr

******_///_ Josh**

It was weird for me to fixate on a one night stand, but Tyler hadn’t left my mind in two weeks. Also, more confusingly, I was still thinking about Taylor. 

 

I felt like that night with Tyler, I had known him my entire life, we barely even said a handful of words to each other but there was something about him that made me feel so…there isn’t a word for it. He made me feel a certain type of way that I wasn’t sure I’d felt before.

 

I still hadn’t tried to call Taylor but I was starting to wonder if maybe she could help me take my mind off of him? I’d rather be straight anyway and she was a beautiful woman. That night when I got home from work after a few glasses of whiskey for courage, I pulled up the contact on the phone and I didn’t think anymore. I pressed call. 

 

It rang about four times before someone answered.

 

“Same Parts.” It was a deep male voice and I should have known it wasn’t Taylor’s number. Fuck.

 

“Oh shit I think I’ve got the wrong number.” That was that then. Well done Josh.

 

“What is it you’re looking for?” The man asked me now and I probably should have just hung up. But I didn’t.

 

“I was looking for a woman named Taylor, but I think I must have got the number wrong. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.”

 

“Wait.” The voice spoke again before I had chance to hang up. “We have a Taylor here.”

 

My heart soared at his words and a stupid smile sprung to my face.

“Really? Oh wow that’s great, can I speak to her?” This was so fucking dumb. It had been months since we ran into each other at the bar, I’m sure she didn’t remember me. The man chuckled, “No sorry, you can’t.”

 

“Oh…Uhm ok…”

 

“I can arrange a meeting though?”

 

“Really?” Was that going to be creepy? Would she think I was a total weirdo? Probably but I had to see her again, I just had to.

 

“Sure, how does tonight work?”

 

“Tonight? Oh wow, uhm I guess I could…”

 

“Name a time and place.”

 

I thought for a moment, my head was spinning. This was all happening so fast. I decided to give the guy the name of the bar we’d met in and settled on eight o clock. 

 

“Great, Taylor will see you then.”

 

“Wait you didn’t even ask my name-“ I was met by the dial tone. I immediately went into panic mode. Why had I done this? This was such a fucking stupid idea. There’s no way a woman that beautiful would remember me, she’d probably forgotten about me the moment she turned her back on me. She’s going to think I’m some kind of creepy stalker. Oh god what had I done? I should call back and cancel, but what if the man had already told her? Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. This was bad. This was so monumentally stupid even for me. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

I was still shaking as I sat down at a table in the bar a few hours later. I’d changed my clothes ten times.  _Ten!_ I still wasn’t sure if the shorts and vest top combo was working, did I look too casual? What if she showed up looking hot as all hell and I was here looking like some kind of homeless person? 

 

I’d talked myself out of my usual beanie hat, partly because it was summer and completely unnecessary and partly because then I really did look scruffy as fuck. 

 

I sat and played with my nose ring, adjusting it to sit right. I sipped my drink. Adjusted my ring again. Sipped my drink. Adjusted it again. It wasn’t sitting right for some reason.

 

 I smoothed down the front of my vest with shaking hands. Was it too late to leave? This was all so fucking dumb. 

 

Then she entered the bar and I swear to god the whole fucking room lit up. Her mousey brown hair was curled to her shoulders and she wore a high necked, long sleeved silk shirt that had red and black stripes up and down her slim figure. She’d paired that with a long black skirt that hugged all the right places and she had on stockings and red heels. I stood up as she entered and smiled at her, trying to ignore the fact my whole body was shaking.

“Taylor, hi. It’s nice to see you again.”

 

She raised a perfect eyebrow at me and put her hand on her hip, “We’ve met before?”

 

My heart sank. Of course she didn’t fucking remember me. 

 

“Uhm yeah. In the bathroom, of this bar actually.” I felt a little bit hot under the collar at the way she was looking at me. She scrutinised my face for a while before she shrugged.

 

“Sorry, I meet a lot of people.” She slid into the table now opposite me and tapped her fingers on the table. This time she didn’t have her bitten down stubs, she had long red false nails on. 

 

“Uhm well, I’m Josh.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Josh.” She smiled a little, showing little crooked teeth that made her adorable.

 

“Oh shit, can I get you a drink? Fuck sorry.” I was panicking again. This wasn’t going at all how I’d planned.

 

“Vodka. If you’d be so kind.” Her eyes were large, looking so curious and scared at the same time. I certainly wouldn’t mind waking up to them.

 

“Just vodka?”

 

“On the rocks. Please.” She sounded bored, fuck was I boring her? I excused myself from the table and got us both a drink. When I returned to the table she was still drumming her fingers on the wood. 

 

She smiled her thanks and sipped the drink, leaving a small lipstick mark on the glass. 

 

“Look I’m really sorry about this. You probably think I’m a massive fucking creep. It’s just that when I met you, I don’t know there was something so intoxicating about you and I haven’t been able to shake you from my mind. And when you dropped that card, I have like this freakishly good memory and I remembered the number and it’s been months but I just thought I had to call, you know? And I guess it was your office number and when the guy said I couldn’t speak to you I was like, fuck that’s it then. And then he told me he could arrange a meeting and I knew it was creepy but I said yes anyway and I guess now here we are and I’m really fucking sorry if this is weird. If you want to leave I get it. I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” I put my head in my hands and took a few deep breaths after my rant. 

 

To my surprise Taylor started to laugh. I looked back up at her, completely mortified but I couldn’t deny that that laugh was one of the most incredible sounds I’d ever heard. But she was laughing at me.

 

“Sorry,” She fanned her face with her hand. “I don’t mean to laugh.”

 

“I’m an idiot aren’t I?” I shook my head. “This is really fucking weird and confusing for me, you have no idea.” 

 

Fuck, she couldn’t be making this any harder on me. Her face softened and she frowned a little.

“What do you mean?” She swilled the vodka around in her glass but she didn’t take her eyes off of me. I bit my lip starting to wish I hadn’t bothered calling.

 

“I uhm…well I…I think your beautiful, stunning really. But I uhm…well it’s not like me to find women attractive if you know what I mean?” I kept my voice quiet, trying to spell it out rather than having to actually say it. 

 

She raised an eyebrow at me inquisitively, “You’re…” she began but she clearly wanted to make me say it. I thought she was kind of a bitch for that.

 

“I like the uhh…company of men.” I whispered and she looked like she might laugh again but instead she bit her lip, clearly suppressing a smile.

 

“Oh I see,” She sipped her drink, “Why are you whispering?”

 

I felt my face getting hot and I was sure I was blushing, “I’m not exactly…out you know?”

 

She bit her lip again but I could see she wanted to smile. 

 

“I guess I’ve always wanted to be straight, and when I met you and I thought you were beautiful I thought that maybe…”

 

“I’m not an experiment.” She sat back and folded her arms. 

 

“No! No, god no! I didn’t mean it like that! Fuck I am useless.” I put my head in my hands again. I felt her hand on my shoulder and I looked back up to meet her eyes. 

 

“You have no idea what’s going on here do you?” She half-smiled, kind of like she felt sorry for me. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You are so adorably innocent,” She chuckled and finished off her vodka, “There’s a few things you should know about me, but we can’t discuss it here. We need to go somewhere more private.”

 

“Ok?” I frowned, so confused about what was happening. Taylor motioned for me to finish my drink, I paid up and we left. 

 

“I live right around the corner, we could go back to my place?” I suggested when we on the street but she shook her head.

 

“No, too personal. How about a hotel?”

 

“A hotel?” I paled, what was she planning on doing when we got there? Of course I found her incredibly attractive but Mark was right, I would have no idea what to do with a vagina.

 

“Josh, I’m a young lady and I’ve only just met you. I’m not taking my chances going back to a stranger’s home.”

 

Ok, that made sense I guess, I was some creepy guy who’d rung her at work three months after we’d met. I wouldn’t go back to my place either, “Right sure. Let’s get a cab.” I stood on the curb and hailed a cab. I held the door open for her and she slid in the back and I followed. She told the driver an address and I stayed quiet. Tonight was taking an unexpected turn. 

————————————

We got a room and I paid on credit card. We were silent as we rode the elevator. I unlocked the door to the room and held it open for her to enter first which she did. She made her way to the far side of the room and I stayed on the other. 

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I’d been panicking internally the whole way over here. What the fuck did she want to tell me that she couldn’t tell me at the bar? 

 

“You haven’t figured it out yet?”She smiled at me a little dangerously. 

 

“Figured what out?”

 

“What I am.” She smirked and then she started coming close to me. She stopped less than a foot in front of me. I swallowed hard.

 

“What you are?”

 

“Oh wow you really are innocent,” She chuckled, “Let’s just say, you’ll have to pay me for my time.” Taylor put her hand on my shoulder. I was backed against a wall. 

 

“Pay you? Why?” I didn’t recognise my voice, it was coming out high and squeaky like I was going through puberty all over again. 

 

“Oh my god, do you ever leave the house? Do you watch TV? Do I need to spell it out for you?”

 

My brain was whirring a million times a second. What was she talking about? Why would I have to pay a beautiful woman for her time?… _oh fuck_ , it hit me. I gently pushed her away from me and darted as far away as humanly possibly from her. Fuck, fuck, fuck, this was so fucking bad.

 

“You’re a…a hooker?” My eyes were wide and my heart was hammering so hard. Oh god if Pete and Mark found out about this I could be in so much trouble. 

 

“I prefer the term escort, thank you very much.” She folded her arms and inspected her nails as if she was bored again.

 

“But people pay you for sex right?”

 

“Amongst other things, yes.”

 

“So you’re a hooker.”

 

“Escort.” She growled, looking back at me.

 

“You say tomato, I say…hooker.”

 

Taylor started coming closer to me and I moved quickly away from her. 

 

“Don’t come near me!” I held my hands up, “This is so fucking fucked up! I thought you were just a nice, beautiful woman! I had no idea what I was getting myself into! Oh my god this is so fucking bad! I’ve never broken the law in my entire life! Oh god, oh god, oh god!” I was starting to hyperventilate but I managed to control my breathing just about. 

 

“Never? Oh come on, who hasn’t smoked a little bit of pot in their life?”

 

“Me!” I yelled. “I’ve never even gotten a fucking parking ticket! Oh Jesus Christ, my best friends are cops; if they find out about this I’ll be in so much fucking trouble! I should have known, you were too goddamn beautiful to be with that old guy at the bar! I should have known then.” My head was spinning, I couldn’t see straight.

 

“I’ve got to get out of here.”I made a dash for the door but Taylor was quicker than me and she managed to reach it before me and blocked it. 

 

She was shorter than me in her heels, but she looked menacing. I was no doubt stronger than her but no matter what I didn’t want to hurt her.

 

“Please move. Please god let me go.” I felt as though I could cry. This is what being a weirdo and calling some women you don’t know gets you. Fuck, it’s easier being gay.

 

“Don’t you want to know my other secret?” She smirked licking her lips. My heart was beating into overdrive now.

 

“Other secret? Because this isn’t enough? Fuck I didn’t want to know the first secret!”

 

“It might make you less confused, Josh. You know, as to why you’re so attracted to me.” Her hand was on my shoulder again and I knew I was shaking. I couldn’t move though.

 

“What? I don’t think anything could make this situation less confusing.”

 

“Think about it Josh, you already know really.” Her voice had dropped to that creaky, teen boyish tone she’d used in the bathroom that night. The hand on my shoulder suddenly felt heavy. Then I remembered thinking I saw an Adam’s apple. No, no fucking way, this was too surreal, this couldn’t be happening.

 

“No,” I shook my head. “No I won’t believe it. There’s no fucking way.” I shook my head and took a few steps backwards. She followed me and came close to my ear.

 

“I’m a boy,” She said in her deepest voice, that not being very deep even.

 

“No way! No, you can’t be!” I stepped back further, needing some distance. 

 

“I can show you if you like? You know, what’s between my legs. Spoiler alert, it’s not a vagina.” She smirked. And then it hit me.  _Same Parts._ Fuck I’d thought it was some kind of legitimate business but it made so much sense now.

 

“You’re a man!”

 

“Well a drag queen currently.”

 

“Again, you say tomato…”

 

“I say fuck you.” She scowled.

 

“I can’t believe this is fucking happening, why me? I’m a good guy, I don’t get into any trouble, why me?” I found myself falling back to the bed with my head in my hands. 

 

“I wish all my tricks were as cute as you, I wouldn’t mind so much if they were this attractive.” She sat down next to me and I groaned loudly.

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“What?”

 

“A trick! I’m not a fucking trick, I’m…fuck this is just so insane. This cannot be happening. You fool poor men into thinking your this beautiful woman and then what? They take you to a hotel and you get undressed and  _sorry fellas, I have a dick too?_ How the fuck does that work?”

 

“It’s not like that,” She sighed. “The men we meet know what they’re getting themselves into. Most of the time I come as a boy unless if they make a request for our girl name or say they are closeted. But we cater for the lonely, closeted men if we need to. The ones that want a woman in the streets but a man in the sheets.” She grinned and I wanted to be throw up.

 

“That’s fucking wrong. This is so fucking wrong.”

 

“So you aren’t going to fuck me then?” Taylor pouted. I shot back up.

 

“No! Absolutely no fucking way! I’m going to get the hell out of here and pretend this never fucking happened.”

 

“You still have to pay me, regardless.”

 

“Pay you?” I spat. “I’m not paying you a fucking penny! I didn’t know what I was signing up for!”

 

“I get it,” She gracefully pushed herself off the bed, inspecting her nails again. “I do, I get it. But my boss…he won’t be as understanding as me.” Her eyes flicked in my direction and they were dark in a dangerous kind of way, looking so pleading. 

 

“Oh god this is a fucking mess.” I fell against the wall and I actually embarrassingly started to cry. How fucking pathetic. 

 

“Oh god, don’t cry. Please don’t cry!” Taylor grabbed me and put her arms around my shoulders. 

 

“I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I feel like I’m trapped in some kind of bad dream.”

 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. Her hold on me was strong, despite her small stature. 

 

“I have to go. But here.” I opened my wallet and gave her all the money that was in there. 

 

“You may as well fuck me if you’re going to pay me.” She took the money and stepped back with a smirk.

 

“No fucking way.”

 

“Boo,” She pouted. “Well I mean you’ve paid for the night so you could at least stay a bit. I mean get your money’s worth.” She shrugged and put the money away in her purse.

 

“Stay? And do what?” I wiped my tears away feeling like an idiot. 

 

“I don’t know,” She shrugged again. “We could talk or something I guess.”

 

“I don’t really feel I have anything to talk to you about.”

 

“We could talk about how pretty I am?” She smiled brightly and it almost made me laugh. Almost. “I can tell you’re lonely.” She said suddenly serious, looking me dead in the eyes.

 

“Uhm…what?”

 

“I could tell the first time I met you.”

 

“I thought you didn’t remember me?” I frowned and Taylor rolled her eyes.

 

“Of course I remember you, I was just busting your balls,” She smirked. “You are though aren’t you? I can see it in your eyes.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I averted my gaze away from her now, feeling a little like I was being analysed. 

 

“Don’t lie to me Josh.” She came closer to me, I could smell her sweet perfume. 

 

“My friends just….they don’t get me. And I went through a really bad break up a while back and I guess I haven’t really been the same since. Maybe I am lonely.” There was no maybe about it. Why had I just confessed that to her though?

 

“Well you know, a night where I don’t get fucked is kind of a relief so if you just want to hang out, that’s cool with me.” She smiled softly at me and sat down on the edge of the bed, patting the mattress next to her for me to do the same. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t leave but for some reason I sat down next to her.

 

“My two best friends, they are very openly gay. They don’t get why I’m not, why I can’t be. I guess it sucks not being able to talk about it with people that’ll understand.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me?” Taylor had kind eyes, sort of sad eyes but kind nonetheless. “When you say you’re in the closet, have you been with a man?”

 

“Oh god of course! I’ve never been with a woman, I’m just…I don’t like people knowing, you know? My ex Oliver…I loved him so fucking much but after a few years he got tired of us never being able to go on dates. I’d never hold his hand or kiss him or even touch him in public. I get why he dumped me, I would have dumped my ass too.”

 

“What’s holding you back from coming out?” Taylor asked softly. I shook my head, I wasn’t talking about this with her.

 

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Ok, what do you want to talk about?”

 

“Nothing.” I grumbled sounding like a child. 

 

“Ooook,” Taylor rolled her eyes and got back up. “I’m thirsty, mind if I raid the mini bar?” She was already in the fridge before I could stop her. “Oh vodka!” She pulled out a couple of miniature bottles and started drinking them.

 

“No, please. Help yourself.” I spoke sarcastically. She grinned at me, downed one bottle and then opened another.

 

“Oh don’t worry, I will.” She giggled. She was still using that higher pitched voice and I really could believe she was a woman. Her stomach suddenly growled loudly and she grasped her stomach as embarrassment washed over her face.

 

“Sorry.” She downed another vodka.

 

“Jesus, when was the last time you ate?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I noticed something flicker in her eyes but she quickly covered it up.

 

“I eat all the time.”

 

“Suppose you wouldn’t be interested in room service then?”

 

Her whole face lit up when I said that and it was far too beautiful to put into words. It made me forget the situation, even if only for a moment. 

 

“Well durh!” She threw the empty bottles aside and grabbed a menu. I came over next to her tentatively and looked at the menu over her shoulder.

 

“What do you fancy?”

 

“I don’t know. A burger sounds good. Or the chicken. Oh god but what about an omelette!” She looked so enthralled it made me laugh and she was too busy staring at the menu to notice I’d picked up the hotel phone. It answered on the second ring.

 

“Oh hi, yeah I’d like to order room service.”

 

Taylor looked at me and I gave her a small smile.

 

“Yeah we’ll take one of everything on the menu.”

 

Taylor beamed at me and before I knew it she was throwing her arms around me and engulfing me in a hug. His arms, I corrected myself. This was so fucking weird.

————————————

Taylor did a fucking good job of eating the food we were brought, I’d never seen anyone with an appetite quite like it, while being as small as her. When she was finally finished she laid back on the bed and held her stomach.

 

“Fucking Christ I am full.” She sighed. I laid down next to her, also very full.

 

“I’ve never seen someone eat like that.” I chuckled. 

 

“Oh god, that’s going straight to my hips,” She gasped but I detected a hint of a joke in her words. “You know what’s a great work out?” She put her finger on my cheek. 

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Sex.” She smiled and licked her lips seductively.

 

“No way,” I shuffled back away from her. “You said you enjoyed the night off.”

 

“I do enjoy not getting fucked for a change,” She mused. “But I would give an exception for you.” Her eyes had a sparkle behind them and she was clearly enjoying this way too much. Watching me squirm.

 

“No. Absolutely not.”

 

“Oh sorry Josh, are you more of a bottom?” She moved closer, dangerously so. 

 

“What kind of question is that?” I pulled a face, I couldn’t believe she had even asked me such a thing.

 

“A legitimate one. Come on Joshie, when you were with that ex of yours, did he fuck you or did you fuck him?'”

 

“We’re not having this conversation.” I sat up now needing to not be looking into her beautiful eyes, and not see her smiling that beautiful smile. Because in all honesty I was getting hard.

 

“Such a prude,” She giggled. Her hand was snaking around my waist. “Who are we kidding here? We both know you’re a top,” Her hand trailed lower and then it was cupping my erection. I sat perfectly still and said nothing. “I’m turning you on,” She smiled, I couldn’t see it but I knew. Then her lips were on my ear, licking the lobe, “Loosen up Joshua, I could make you feel real good.”

 

“Stop it! Just fucking stop it!” I leapt up from the bed and turned to look at her. “Do you know how fucking desperate you look right now? I said no, I don’t want to fuck you Taylor. Mostly because I don’t know where you’ve fucking been!” 

 

I don’t know where this anger was coming from, I think I was more angry at myself for getting turned on, or for getting myself in this situation in the first place. She jumped up and slapped me hard around the face.

 

“Fuck you.” She growled. “Did you ever think that maybe this is the only way I know how to be?” Her eyes were really sad now, almost broken. I hated myself for that.

 

“Taylor I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

 

“No, fuck you. I don’t want your pathetic excuses. If you don’t mind, I’m going to leave now.” She collected her bag from the floor and threw her heels back on. She marched towards the door and I knew I had to stop her. I followed her and grabbed her wrist, spinning her back around to face me.

 

“Please don’t go, not like this,” I kept hold of her wrist because I was afraid she would try and leave again. “I’m sorry, that was a dumb, stupid thing of me to say. The truth is, I do want you Taylor ok? I want you so fucking much it’s taking all of my power not to jump you but I can’t. I can’t pay you for that, not without losing everything I know about myself ok? So please, stop making this harder on me than it already is.”

 

Her face didn’t give away what she was thinking. I let go of her wrist now and I thought she would leave but she didn’t. Instead she pushed me into the nearest wall and kissed me hard. There was something so familiar about the way her lips felt on mine but I didn’t know why. When she leant back, her lipstick was smudged but she was smiling.

 

“That was on the house.” She winked and turned to the door.

 

“You’re still going?”

 

“You can always see me again Josh, I’m just a phone call away. And I promise if you do call, I’ll stop harassing you, we can just sit and talk or whatever.” She smiled at me brightly and then opened the door. 

 

“You’re precious, you know that Taylor?”

 

She scoffed at me and pulled a face, “Bitch ain’t nothing precious about me,” She put her hand on her hip, “I’m a wild flower, there’s no taming me.” Then she winked at me, blew me a kiss and she was gone. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_June 17th_

_Tonight was a weird fucking night. I never expected to see Josh again. I’d never expected to see him again after the night I ran into him in the bathroom when I was Taylor, let alone after I then slept with him as Tyler. I certainly didn’t expect him to be my next trick. But god it was so good to see him again, those damn sparkling eyes of his had had me hooked from the moment I saw them._

 

_When I got back to the basement tonight I was actually humming to myself; I don’t remember the last time I did that. It was my birthday a few days ago, I’d turned eighteen and I had never been more depressed. But Josh had somehow made that better. The thing was, I’d never met anyone like Josh. He was so sweet and innocent and of course absolutely fucking gorgeous. He made me feel things I’d never felt before and if things were different I would have no trouble falling for him. But of course there was no way for us to be together._

 

_I just hoped he would call again, just so I could see him even if it was just one last time…_

————————————

**_Earlier that night_ **

“Right Patrick, Taylor the boy not you Tyler, Hayley, Gerard, and Matty, you got calls.” Logan announced that night to be met with groans from his audience. “And Tyler,” just as I was about to inwardly cheer that I didn’t I have to go out, Logan turned to me. “You were asked for by name, as Taylor.”

 

I groaned now too. If someone asked for me by name it could only mean it was one of my previous clients. Super. Logan left and Patrick helped me up from my mattress.

 

“How cute, someone must have a crush on you.” He teased.

 

“That or you have a fucking phenomenal asshole.” Andy laughed making several of the others laugh too. 

 

“Why don’t you find out for yourself?” I wriggled up in front of him and bent over shaking my ass at his crotch making everyone laugh.

 

“Damn Ty, I would if I could but, I would break you into pieces.” He winked.

 

It was nice when it was like this, when everyone got along and we could joke around like this I could almost pretend we were in some kind of sorority or something; if you forgot the fact we were actually just boys, which I think a lot of the time we did. 

 

I was getting pretty good at doing my own make-up by now, I very rarely needed any help. I did it myself tonight and put on my mousey wig that was given to me. I corseted and padded a bra before putting on my calf length black skirt and rummaging around for a top to go with it. I couldn’t find one that I felt like wearing, I’m not sure why, it would inevitably be on the floor of some hotel room in no time at all. 

 

Clearly sensing my frustration, Gerard came over to my side. He’d been so much nicer to me recently, I might even go as far to say we were friends. 

 

“Struggling there Ty?” He smiled at me softly.

 

“Yeah, I’m not feeling any of my girl clothes.” I grumbled. 

 

Gerard laughed and produced something from behind his back.

“How would this work?” It was a high necked, long sleeved silk shirt with red and black stripes that cut vertically across the fabric. I ran my bitten down fingernails over it.

 

“Ohhh it’s beautiful! Are you sure?” I took hold of it and rubbed it against the skin on my bare chest. It felt wonderful.

 

“Yeah of course. I never wear it, it doesn’t really suit me.”

 

I tried it on and it fit like a glove and it felt just as amazing as I thought it would. I tucked it into the top of my skirt and did a little twirl, “What do you think?”

 

“I think it was made for you,” Gerard  grinned. 

 

I quickly hugged him in thanks and inspected myself in the mirror happily. I packed my purse with the usual, smokes, make-up, condoms, a few quarters, Santino’s card and the drop box key just as Logan reappeared. 

 

We said our goodbyes to Ryan and Andy before Logan ushered us upstairs. We took two separate cars, I was with Matt. 

 

When he dropped me off at the bar I recognised it immediately; the bar I had met Josh in the night I was Taylor, not Tyler. 

 

I was filled with dread because I hoped to fucking god it wasn’t that guy from that night, Mr Sweaty. I didn’t have to worry for long because as I stepped closer to the bar I saw my client sat there through the window, nervously looking around the bar. 

 

Josh couldn’t have looked more scared if there were an actual fucking lion on the table in front of him about to devour him. He’d requested me by name. Had he made a note of Santino’s number that night? And if he had why had he waited this long to call? Did he know what we did? 

 

Judging by how nervous he looked I thought he probably did but he didn’t seem like the type. You get a feel for these things and the night I spent with him as Jason he didn’t seem particularly closeted, he’d practically pounced on me. He was also too young and far too good looking. God this was going to be fun. 

 

I watched him play with his nose ring, once, twice, three times before he tore his hands away and slipped on his drink. Shame, it was cute to see him nervous. 

 

I thought it was best to put the poor guy out of his misery so I swayed into the bar. 

 

He saw me instantly and stood up with a shy smile, “Taylor, hi. It’s nice to see you again.”

 

“We’ve met before?” I raised one of my painted on eyebrows and sassily put my hand on my hip. I knew it was so mean of me to do that, but I never got to have any fun. I think I could literally pin point the moment his heart shattered. Yes I’m a bitch, so sue me. 

 

“Uhm yeah. In the bathroom, of this bar actually.”

 

I made a point of scrutinising his face for a moment or two, as though I was pretending to be thinking about it. Then I shrugged. 

“Sorry, I meet a lot of people.” God I was being mean, I saw his face drop. I sat down opposite him and drummed my long artificial nails on the table; he hadn’t even offered to buy me a drink. 

 

“Uhm well, I’m Josh.” He spoke shyly and I thought it was fucking adorable. I had to suppress my smile but I think he might have seen it. 

 

“Nice to meet you, Josh.”

 

“Oh shit, can I get you a drink? Fuck sorry.”

 

 _Well done_ , I clapped internally. 

“Vodka. If you’d be so kind.” I narrowed my eyes a little hoping it looked seductive. Like come hither eyes. I wanted him to think about what it would be like to wake up next to me. 

 

“Just vodka?” He bit his lip. He was thinking about it. 

 

“On the rocks. Please.” I was looking at my nails, acting as if I was bored. I knew I should stop this but I just couldn’t help myself. I never got to have any fun anymore and I was going to take this chance and run with it. Josh would understand. 

 

He got up from the table and as he stood at the bar I looked at his ass. Of course I already knew  _exactly_  what that ass looked like. It looked better naked. 

 

When he came back I continued drumming my fingers on the table and smiled at him briefly when he handed me my drink. I took a small, delicate sip seeing my lipstick stain the rim of the glass. 

 

Josh sighed and ran a hand through his blue hair, “Look I’m really sorry about this. You probably think I’m a massive fucking creep. It’s just that when I met you, I don’t know there was something so intoxicating about you and I haven’t been able to shake you from my mind. And when you dropped that card, I have like this freakishly good memory and I remembered the number and it’s been months but I just thought I had to call you know? And I guess it was your office number and when the guy said I couldn’t speak to you I was like, fuck that’s it then. And then he told me he could arrange a meeting and I knew it was creepy but I said yes anyway and I guess now here we are and I’m really fucking sorry if this is weird. If you want to leave I get it. I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” He ranted and then put his head in his hands. I bit my lip to try and stop myself laughing because that would have been too mean but I just couldn’t help myself. He looked back up at me and he looked mortified. I bit my lip again to try and stop, whilst fanning my eyes to stop any tears falling. 

 

“Sorry. I don’t mean to laugh.” I really didn’t, it wasn’t a lie. But it amused me so much that Josh could be sat opposite me and not recognise me. Sure I made a passable woman but we’d had sex for god sakes! He looked me in the eyes as he fucked me, I’d had my hands all over him and he didn’t recognise me. 

 

Either I was really good at drag or Josh was a little slow. Maybe both. I was suddenly glad I’d worn a long sleeved shirt so he couldn’t see my track marks. If he saw them he would no doubt figure it out. Or maybe he wouldn’t, maybe he was just that slow. 

 

“I’m an idiot aren’t I?” Josh shook his head. “This is really fucking weird and confusing for me, you have no idea.”

 

I couldn’t be making it any harder on him. But his words intrigued me a little and I frowned, “What do you mean?” I started swilling the vodka around in my glass but I wouldn’t take my eyes off of him. 

 

A part of me really wanted him to recognise me, because I could never tell him the truth myself. Rule number one: never reveal any personal information.

 

Josh started biting his lip, looking fed up. I bet he wished he hadn’t bothered calling for me, “I uhm…well I…I think your beautiful, stunning really.”

 

I beamed internally, I was a whore for a compliment. 

 

“But I uhm…well it’s not like me to find women attractive if you know what I mean?” His voice was quiet. I knew exactly what he meant, of course I did but I wanted to hear him say it. 

 

“You’re…” I raised my eyebrow again, I felt like such a bitch. 

 

“I like the uhh…company of men.” He was whispering and I almost laughed again but instead I just bit my lip, hoping he didn’t realise I was suppressing a smile.

 

“Oh I see,” I sipped my drink to try and hide my smile. “Why are you whispering?” 

 

His face got red all of a sudden. It was so adorable. 

 

“I’m not exactly…out you know?”

 

I bit my lip again I think this time he knew I wanted to smile. 

 

“I guess I’ve always wanted to be straight, and when I met you and I thought you were beautiful I thought that maybe…”

 

“I’m not an experiment.” I sat back and folded my arms. I was just messing with him, it was really hard to stop the smirk and look as though I was pissed off. 

 

“No! No, god no! I didn’t mean it like that! Fuck I am useless.” He put his head in his hands again. I actually felt sorry for him. Maybe I could go a little easier on him. I put my hand on his shoulder and he looked up and our eyes met again. I thought I saw a flicker of recognition but no, nothing. 

 

“You have no idea what’s going on here do you?” I half-smiled at him. 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You are so adorably innocent.” I couldn’t help but chuckle and then I downed my drink. I clearly needed to spell some things out for him. “There’s a few things you should know about me, but we can’t discuss it here. We need to go somewhere more private.”

 

“Ok?” Josh frowned at me, clearly so confused about what was happening. I motioned for him to finish his drink, he kindly paid up and we left. “I live right around the corner, we could back to my place?”

 

Yeah I already knew that. But no, going to Josh’s apartment wasn’t an option. That would be way too weird. 

 

“No, too personal. How about a hotel?” I suggested instead. 

 

“A hotel?” Josh’s face paled. The cogs were clearly turning in his head. It did seem like a proposition I must admit. Maybe it was. 

 

“Josh, I’m a young lady and I’ve only just met you. I’m not taking my chances going back to a stranger’s home.” I told him firmly. 

 

“Right sure. Let’s get a cab.” He stood on the curb and hailed a cab. 

He held the door open for me, what a gentleman, and I slid in the back and he followed. I told he driver an address of a place I’d been to more times than I can count and Josh stayed quiet. Tonight was taking an unexpected turn.

————————————

We got a room and Josh paid, I mean, I wasn’t going to. 

 

The ride in the elevator was silent and stifling. I wanted to just scream at him  _I’m Tyler you fucking idiot! It’s basically the same name!_ But I stayed quiet biting my lip. 

 

When we go to the room Josh unlocked it and held it open for me and I swayed inside and he closed it behind us. 

 

I headed to the far side of the room and Josh stayed where he was. He seemed scared, is it wrong that I kind of like that? 

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Josh looked panicked, in fact he’d looked panicked since the moment I entered the bar. 

 

“You haven’t figured it out yet?” I smiled at him, I hoped it came across as dangerous.

 

“Figured what out?” His voice was shaking. 

 

“What I am.” I smirked and I came closer to Josh and stopped really close to him. I saw him swallow nervously. 

 

“What you are?”

 

“Oh wow you really are innocent.” I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped my lips. Innocent or slow, I thought. “Let’s just say, you’ll have to pay me for my time.” I decided to put my hand on his shoulder, backing him against a wall.

 

“Pay you? Why?” He sounded like he was going through puberty the way his voice cracked. I must be a fucking bitch because I was enjoying this way too much. I still found it amusing that I could be so close to him and he couldn’t tell I was Tyler.

 

“Oh my god, do you ever leave the house? Do you watch TV? Do I need to spell it out for you?” I could see his brain was whirring a million times a second. Think about it Joshie, why would you have to pay a beautiful woman for her time? 

 

I saw it hit him like a lightning bolt and he gently pushed me aside and practically ran as far away from me as he could. 

 

“You’re a…a hooker?” His eyes widened. 

 

“I prefer the term escort thank you very much.” I folded my arms and inspected my nails so he would think I was fed up.

 

“But people pay you for sex right?”

 

“Amongst other things yes.”

 

“So you’re a hooker.”

 

“Escort.” I growled, looking back at him. I hated that fucking word.  _Hooker._ So degrading. 

 

“You say tomato, I say…hooker.”

 

I decided to come closer to him and he moved quickly away from me, like I was diseased or something. Charming. 

 

“Don’t come near me!” He held his hands up as though I was going to attack him. “This is so fucking fucked up! I thought you were just a nice, beautiful woman! I had no idea what I was getting myself in for! Oh my god this is so fucking bad! I’ve never broken the law in my entire life! Oh god, oh god, oh god!” He seemed as though he was going to start hyperventilating and concern washed over my face briefly but he managed to control his breathing. 

 

“Never? Oh come on, who hasn’t smoked a little bit of pot in their life?” I raised an eyebrow at him. As if he'd  _never_ broken the law. 

 

“Me!” He was yelling now. “I’ve never even gotten a fucking parking ticket! Oh Jesus Christ, my best friends are cops; if they find out about this I’ll be in so much fucking trouble! I should have known, you were too goddamn beautiful to be with that old guy at the bar! I should have known then.” He looked a little dizzy, “I’ve got to get out of here.”

He suddenly dashed towards the door but I somehow managed to reach it before him and I stood in front of it to block it. I was a lot shorter then him. I imagined Josh was also definitely stronger than me, and if he really wanted to he could easily shove me out of the way. But he still thought I was a woman so I was sure he wouldn’t do that. He didn’t strike me as the type that would do that even if he knew I was a man. 

 

“Please move. Please god let me go.”

 

For a brief second I thought he was going to cry. His eyes welled a little and his bottom lip quivered and I softened for a second. I didn’t want to make him cry, god no. I still wasn’t done having my fun though. 

“Don’t you want to know my other secret?” I smirked at him and licked my lips. 

 

“Other secret? Because this isn’t enough? Fuck I didn’t want to know the first secret!” He looked pale, as though he might be sick. Maybe I should go a little easier on him? No chance. 

 

“It might make you less confused Josh. You know, as to why you’re so attracted to me.” I placed my hand back on his shoulder again and I could feel him shaking.

 

“What? I don’t think anything could make this situation less confusing.”

 

“Think about it Josh, you already know really.” I put my deepest voice on. I was trying to make him realize.

 

I made the weight of my hand on his shoulder heavier. I saw the cogs turning in his head. And then it started to click into place. 

 

“No.” He shook his head. “No I won’t believe it. There’s no fucking way.” He took a few steps backwards as if the distance would somehow make it untrue. 

 

I followed him and came close to his ear. I cleared my throat and in the deepest voice I could muster I spoke, “I’m a boy.”

 

“No way! No, you can’t be!” He stepped back even further, needing more distance from me. Now it wasn’t like I was diseased; it was like I was a monster.

 

“I can show you if you like? You know, what’s between my legs.” I smirked and then I whispered, “spoiler alert, it’s not a vagina.”

 

I saw it hit Josh all at once. Had he not put two and two together when he’d rung up? I mean _Same Parts_ …come on, it’s not rocket science.

 

“You’re a man!”

 

I rolled my eyes,  _no shit Sherlock._

“Well currently a drag queen.” I spoke sassily, throwing my hair over my shoulder. 

 

“Again, you say tomato…”

 

“I say fuck you.” I scowled at him. What fucking right did he have? 

 

“I can’t believe this is fucking happening, why me? I’m a good guy, I don’t get into any trouble, why me?” Josh fell back to the bed now and he put his head in his hands. 

 

Ok so I have to admit now I felt like a massive fucking bitch. I had just turned this poor guy’s life upside down. But still, don’t call me a fucking hooker or a man. I am an escort that occasionally does drag, thank you very much. 

 

“I wish all my tricks were as cute as you, I wouldn’t mind so much if they were this attractive.” I sat down next to him and he groaned loudly.

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“What?”

 

“A trick! I’m not a fucking trick, I’m…fuck this is just so insane. This cannot be happening. You fool poor men into thinking your this beautiful woman and then what? They take you to a hotel and you get undressed and _sorry fellas, I have a dick too?_  How the fuck does that work?”

 

So it’s ok for him to call me a fucking hooker but I couldn’t call him a trick?  _Double standards._ Also, he was getting this so wrong. I knew I didn’t have to defend myself to him, he could think what he wanted, what did I care? But some reason, I wanted to explain myself.

“It’s not like that.” I sighed. “I usually come as a boy unless if they state they are closeted or ask for us as our girl name. We cater for the lonely, closeted men. The ones that want a woman in the streets but a man in the sheets.” I grinned, that was a saying Patrick had taught me.

 

“That’s fucking wrong. This is so fucking wrong.”

 

“So you aren’t going to fuck me then?” I pouted, having way too much fun here. Josh shot back up from the bed. 

 

“No! Absolutely no fucking way! I’m going to get the hell out of here and pretend this never fucking happened.”

 

“You still have to pay me, regardless.” I looked at my nails again, I knew that would anger him. 

 

“Pay you?” He spat. “I’m not paying you a fucking penny! I didn’t know what I was signing up for!”

 

“I get it.” I pushed myself up from the bed as gracefully as possible. “I do, I get it. But my boss…he won’t be very happy.” That was the fucking understatement of the century. I wouldn’t even like to think about what might happen to me if I went back and said  _sorry Nicholas, no I don’t have your money._ I tried to hide the fear from my voice and my face. Josh had to pay me, otherwise I was getting beaten the shit out of, maybe worse. I looked back at him and tried to make my expression dangerous. 

 

“Oh god this is a fucking mess.” He fell back against the wall and oh god was he going to…yes he was crying. Shit. I am the worst person to have around when someone is crying. I was panicking internally because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. And now I felt really bad now because it was kind of my fault he was crying. He still somehow managed to look beautiful. 

 

“Oh god, don’t cry. Please don’t cry!” I ran to his side and couldn’t stop myself from putting my arm around Josh’s shoulders. 

 

“I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I feel like I’m trapped in some kind of bad dream.”

 

“I’m sorry.” I was whispering now. I held him tightly wishing there was something I could do to make him feel better. God I felt like such a bitch. 

 

“I have to go. But here.” Josh pushed me away and opened his wallet and gave me the entire contents of it. I thought about not taking it because I felt so bad but Nicolas would have my fucking ass if I didn’t deliver. 

 

“You may as well fuck me if you’re going to pay me.” I took the money and stepped back with a smirk. 

 

Yeah I felt bad but I was still also feeling feisty. And that night with Josh had been amazing, finding a man that I actually  _wanted_  to fuck. 

 

“No fucking way.”

 

“Boo.” I pouted in what I hoped was a sexy way. “Well I mean you’ve paid for the night so you could at least stay a bit. I mean get your money’s worth.” I shrugged and put the notes away in my purse. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to see the back of him yet. I stupidly really enjoyed his company. 

 

“Stay? And do what?” He wiped his tears with his hands.  

 

“I don’t know.” I shrugged again, trying to think of an excuse to get him to stay. “We could talk or something I guess.”

 

“I don’t really feel I have anything to talk to you about.”

 

“We could talk about how pretty I am?” I beamed and I could tell it almost made him laugh. Almost. “I can tell you’re lonely.” I blurted out, looking him dead in the eyes.

 

“Uhm…what?”

 

“I could tell the first time I met you.” That was true. The first time our eyes met in that bathroom I could see the sadness, the loneliness he tried so hard to hide. And then I realised that I’d just blown the game. Now he knew I’d been lying earlier. Fuck. 

 

“I thought you didn’t remember me?” He was frowning at me so I rolled my eyes.

 

“Of course I remember you, I was just busting your balls,” I smirked. “You are though aren’t you? I can see it in your eyes.” I changed the subject back.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He refused to look at me now, I wondered if he thought I was trying to analyse him. I kind of was. 

 

“Don’t lie to me Josh.” I dared to come closer to him, subtly wafting my perfume in his direction. 

 

“My friends just….they don’t get me. And I went through a really bad break up a while back and I guess I haven’t really been the same since. Maybe I am lonely.” There was no maybe about it. I’m not sure what had made him confess that to me. 

 

“Well you know, a night where I don’t get fucked is kind of a relief so if you just want to hang out, that’s cool with me.” I smiled softly at him and sat down on the edge of the bed, patting the mattress next to me for him to do the same. 

 

It wasn’t completely truthful because god I would love to Josh to fuck me, but I shouldn’t really complain about a night off. I’m not sure why he wasn’t leaving and I was surprised to say the least when he sat next to me. 

 

“My two best friends, they are very openly gay. They don’t get why I’m not, why I can’t be. I guess it sucks not being able to talk about it with people that’ll understand.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me?” I liked to think I had kind eyes, at least I used to once upon a time. I’d been told that a lot in my life but I guess nowadays they were probably sadder than anything. “When you say you’re in the closet, have you been with a man?” I had to really try hard not laugh when I said that because obviously I knew he had. 

 

“Oh god of course! I’ve never been with a woman, I’m just…I don’t like people knowing, you know? My ex Oliver…I loved him so fucking much but after a few years he got tired of us never being able to go on dates. I’d never hold his hand or kiss him or even touch him in public. I get why he dumped me, I would have dumped my ass too.”

 

“What’s holding you back from coming out?” I asked him softly. Josh shook his head, I don’t think he wanted to talk about this anymore.

 

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Ok, what do you want to talk about?”

 

“Nothing.” He grumbled and I thought he sounded a bit like a child. 

 

“Ooook.” I rolled my eyes having a sudden urge for a drink. I stood back up and headed towards the fridge. “I’m thirsty, mind if I raid the mini bar? Oh vodka!” My favourite. I grabbed a couple of the miniature bottles of vodka and uncapped the first one before downing it. 

 

“No, please. Help yourself.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm which I chose to ignore. I shot him a grin, downed another bottle and then opened a third.

 

“Oh don’t worry, I will.” I giggled. I couldn’t stop using my girl voice even though Josh knew the truth about me. I guess I was just used to it when I was in drag. 

 

Embarrassingly my stomach started growling loudly, it echoed throughout the room. “Sorry.” I downed another vodka.

 

“Jesus, when was the last time you ate?” He laughed at me and it made me feel a little sick. When was the last time I’d had a proper meal? Jesus it had been a while. 

 

“I eat all the time.” I lied, hoping he didn’t notice.

 

“Suppose you wouldn’t be interested in room service then?”

 

Room service! I couldn’t stop the large smile spreading to my face at the thought of a good meal. 

 

“Well durh!” I threw the empty bottle aside and grabbed a menu. Josh came over next to me seeming a little tentative as he looked at the menu over my shoulder.

 

“What do you fancy?” He asked me. 

 

“I don’t know. A burger sounds good. Or the chicken. Oh god but what about an omelette” I could probably eat it all I was so hungry and my eagerness made Josh laugh. I was staring intently at the menu and I didn’t realize he had moved over to the phone until I heard him speak. 

 

“Oh hi, yeah I’d like to order room service.” He looked up at me and he smiled a little. “Yeah we’ll take one of everything on the menu.”

 

I couldn’t stop the huge grin spreading across my face and before I knew what I was doing I had engulfed Josh in a tight hug. I wondered if he gave a thought to the fact that I was man. 

————————————

I did a fucking good job of eating the food we were brought let me tell you. I should have really been disgusted with myself because I had demolished it. It was a little embarrassing but Josh seemed almost impressed. I fell back to the bed holding my stomach. My skirt was too tight for this. 

 

“Fucking Christ I am full.” I sighed and to my surprise, Josh laid down next to me, he’d eaten his fair share too.

 

“I’ve never seen someone eat like that.” He chuckled. 

 

“Oh god that’s going straight to my hips.” I gasped in mock upset. I think Josh knew I was joking. “You know what’s a great work out?” I was feeling feisty again, when wasn’t I? I put my finger on his cheek. 

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Sex.” I smiled, licking my lip in what I hoped was a seductive manner.

 

“No way.” Josh immediately shuffled back away from me. “You said you were enjoying the night off.”

 

“I do enjoy not getting fucked for a change.” I mused. “But I could make an exception for you.” I hoped my eyes were sparkling, I really was enjoying this. Watching him squirm.

 

“No. Absolutely not.”

 

“Oh sorry Josh, are you more of a bottom?” I moved closer, dangerously so. Of course he was a top, it was so obvious. 

 

“What kind of question is that?” He pulled a face at me, clearly taken aback by the question. 

 

“A legitimate one. Come on Joshie, when you were with that ex of yours, did he fuck you or did you fuck him?” I knew the answer, I just wanted to hear him say it. 

 

“We’re not having this conversation.” He sat up, clearly not trusting himself to look at me. I’m pretty sure I was turning him on. I was going to find out. 

 

“Such a prude.” I giggled. I let my hand snake around his waist. “Who are we kidding here? We both know you’re a top.” My hand trailed lower and then it was cupping Josh’s erection. 

 

I knew it, I knew I was turning him on. He didn’t move and he didn’t speak so I did. “I’m turning you on.” I smiled, he couldn’t see me but I bet he knew I was. I angled my lips close to his ear, licking the lobe. “Loosen up Josh, I could make you feel real good.”

 

“Stop it! Just fucking stop it!” He startled me a little when he leapt up from the bed and turned to look at me. “Do you know how fucking desperate you look right now? I said no, I don’t want to fuck you Taylor. Mostly because I don’t know where you’ve fucking been!”

 

His words fucking hurt, of course they did. But I knew he had a point. I was nothing more than a dirty whore and maybe I was desperate. Desperate for him. But no man got away with talking to me like that so I got up and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. I hope it fucking hurt too. 

 

“Fuck you.” I growled at him. “Did you ever think that maybe this is the only way I know how to be?” I sensed my eyes probably gave away my sadness now, maybe he could see how broken I was. I hoped he hated himself for that.

 

“Taylor I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

 

“No fuck you. I don’t want your pathetic excuses. If you don’t mind I’m going to leave now.” I collected my bag from the floor and threw my heels back on, my feet instantly screaming in protest but I ignored them. I marched towards the door. I didn’t want to leave, not really. I wanted to spend as much time with Josh as humanly possible, but he needed to know he couldn’t talk to me like that. 

 

He followed me towards the door and then there was a hand around my wrist. I turned back to him, a scowl on my face. 

 

“Please don’t go, not like this.” He kept a hold of my wrist, I think he was afraid I would try and leave again. “I’m sorry, that was a dumb, stupid thing of me to say. The truth is, I do want you Taylor, ok? I want you so fucking much it’s taking all of my power not to jump you but I can’t. I can’t pay you for that, not without losing everything I know about myself ok? So please, stop making this harder on me than it already is.”

 

I tried my hardest to keep my expression blank when inside I was grinning from ear to ear. Of course I knew he wanted me, but hearing him say it felt so fucking good. It actually made my own dick start to harden which was dangerous in a pencil skirt. 

 

Josh let go of my wrist and I thought about leaving but I didn’t. I couldn’t control myself anymore, I pushed Josh back into the wall and kissed him firmly. I wonder if he remembered my lips from that night. Would that give it away? I didn’t care if he worked it out for himself I just couldn’t tell him. 

 

My lipstick was smeared across his lips when I pulled away and I had a big smile on my face. If he recognised the kiss he didn’t say anything. 

 

“That was on the house.” I winked at him and turned to the door.

 

“You’re still going?”

 

“You can always see me again Josh, I’m just a phone call away. And I promise if you do call, I’ll stop harassing you, we can just sit and talk or whatever.” That wasn’t a promise I could keep considering I wanted to jump his fucking bones but I had to make him believe I could keep my hands to myself. Then he might see me again. I opened the door smiling at Josh. 

 

“You’re precious, you know that Taylor?”

 

My heart melted at his words and my eyes almost welled. No one had ever said something like that to me before. I didn’t want him to know how it affected me though so I scoffed and put up my hard outer shell. 

 

“Bitch ain’t nothing precious about me.” I put my hand on my hip sassily. “I’m a wild flower, there’s no taming me.”

————————————

_…And then I winked at him, blew him a kiss and left. It was true, I never thought I could be tamed._

 

_Even before I ended up in this horrible situation. Even back in Ohio, back when I used to have a life. I never thought there was a man alive that could tame Tyler Joseph._

 

_But I knew now that if anyone was up to the challenge, if there was ever a man who could tame me, his name was Joshua and he had a nose ring and that stupidly colourful tattoo._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think or i'll sacrifice you to the devil in a satanic ritual to bring back Josh and Tyler


	8. When The Moon Fell In Love With The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially my favourite chapter so far. Probably the fluffiest thing I've ever written. I will be disappointed if you don't have heart eyes by the end. 
> 
>  
> 
> **TW- so fluffy it’s criminal and the word dork is used a shit ton of times so prepare yourself ******

**/// Josh**

You think I’d be better at keeping secrets by now. Even my biggest secret, that I was gay, I’m sure everyone who met me knew instantly. But this felt bigger somehow. 

 

My best friends were fucking cops and I had spent a night with a hooker. I was avoiding them like the plague because they knew me well enough to know when I’m keeping something from them and of course there was no fucking way I could tell them about this. 

 

I kept trying to convince myself that because I hadn’t actually slept with Taylor that it was somehow ok; somehow it wasn’t illegal but I knew it was. I felt disgusted with myself every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection. It made me feel sick that I had literally been this close to just saying screw it and fucking her. After that kiss I was like putty in her hands, it was probably a good job she left when she did because I would have just pounced on her. 

 

Listen to me.  _Her. She._ I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact she was a he. I kind of got it, she had a boyish voice, and features and I could of swore I saw an Adam’s apple, but fuck she was convincing. I had almost let her show me what was between her legs because until I saw dick, I’m not sure I can completely believe it.

 

I wish I could get her to leave my fucking mind but I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to call so badly and arrange another meeting with her. She was right, I am lonely and for the first time in a really long time I hadn’t felt quite so lonely around her. 

 

A few weeks after that night something horrible happened. I hadn’t been feeling great but I hadn’t been feeling shitty either, I was finally starting to feel better about the break up and losing Oliver, when it happened. 

 

It was late and I was coming back from the grocery store with a few bottles of alcohol for my long weekend I would be spending at home alone. What was new there? I went to pass a bar and as I was walking two men stumbled out of the building, their arms slung around each other. They were both giggling when one of the men pulled the other in for a kiss. I froze. I should have carried on walking but I couldn’t get my legs to cooperate. The kiss broke and one of the men turned and as soon as he saw me his face dropped.

 

“Josh. Oh my god.” He thwarted the other man’s attempt to hold his hand as he stared at me. I couldn’t have looked a bigger fucking mess in my jogging bottoms, wrinkled t-shirt and beanie hat. Fuck, I’d thought about this happening a hundred times before and I always looked so fucking incredible when I imagined it. This wasn’t fair.

 

“Hi Oliver.” I don’t remember thinking the words but they came out regardless. The other man was looking between us.

 

“Are you going to introduce me, Oliver?” He asked tugging on Oliver’s arm. Oliver broke my gaze and turned to him.

 

“Oh god, yeah sorry. Kellin this is Josh. Josh this is Kellin.”

 

“Oliver’s boyfriend.” Kellin grinned. He was so fucking gorgeous I could have puked. Why was this happening? 

 

“Uhm, hi.” I croaked. Clearly sensing the awkwardness Oliver turned to Kellin again.

 

“Kel, why don’t you go and get us a cab, I’ll be right there.”

 

“Of course babe,” He kissed Oliver’s cheek. “Nice to meet you, Josh.” He smiled at me and then headed up the street. I clutched my grocery bag close to my chest. It felt like all of the air had been sucked from lungs.

 

“Boyfriend eh?” It shouldn’t have hurt this much should it? We’d been broken up almost ten months now and I couldn’t very well have expected Oliver to be celibate could I?

 

“Yeah.” Oliver stuffed his hands in his pockets. I don’t know why I asked what I did next but it just came out.

 

“How long?”

 

“Does it matter, Josh?”

 

“It does to me.”

 

Oliver sighed and bit his lip.

“About nine months.”

 

His words hit me like a fucking tonne of bricks. Nine months. Nine fucking months.

 

“Wow.” I sniffed. “You didn’t waste any time.”

 

“It wasn’t like I went looking for someone Josh, Kellin just kind of happened…”

 

“That doesn’t make it any better,” I raised my voice a little, I’m not sure if I meant to or not. “I loved you so fucking much! How could you just replace me like that?”

 

“Really? Are you really standing there playing the victim right now?” Oliver scoffed, shaking his head at me. “All I ever wanted was for you to love me enough to come out. To just once, acknowledge who I was in front of people. Do you know how much it killed me every time you introduced me to someone as your ’ _friend_ ’? I waited long enough for you to make your decision and in the end, I was never going to be it! You ruined this Josh, so you have absolutely no right to stand there and give me a hard time! Ending things with you was the hardest goddamn thing I’ve ever done but it was killing me to stay with you. I’m gay and I’m damn proud of it and I’ve finally found someone that is too. So do not make me feel bad about that.” Oliver yelled at me and then he stormed passed, barging into my shoulder. He probably meant to do that.

 

“Oliver wait, please? Don’t go. I’m sorry it was just such a shock seeing you again and I-“

 

“Save it.” He cut me off. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. I spent two and half years listening to your excuses!” He was yelling, I’d never seen him so mad before. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

 

“Oli, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I swear! I loved you so fucking much, I wanted to come out for you, more than anything else in the world but it’s not that easy for me.” My bottom lip was quivering and god I hoped I wouldn’t cry.

 

“And do you think it was easy for me to just walk away? Because it wasn’t Josh, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it was slightly easier than staying with you and being your dirty little secret for the rest of my life.”

 

“I would have come out eventually.” I told him but I think we both knew that was a lie. Oliver scoffed, rolling his eyes.

 

“Bull.” He spat. “Look I have to go, I’m not standing here arguing with you, ok? I gave you all the chances in the world, I told you several times I couldn’t do this for much longer. But you chose to stay in the closet so I found someone else. I’m not going to apologise for that.” Oliver turned his back on me and started up the street. I wanted to call after him but I knew there was nothing I could say. 

 

My first tear escaped my eye and biting my lip I pathetically whispered, “but I love you.”

 

My head was hazy after that. I don’t remember getting back to my apartment or opening the bottle of whiskey but now it was two thirds empty. I was heartbroken. I’d been getting better recently, I wasn’t ok by any stretch of the imagination but I was getting there. Now I felt as though I was back to square one. I missed Oliver like crazy and seeing him with another guy actually felt like he had just ripped my heart out of my chest on the spot and stamped all over it until there was nothing left. I don’t know how he could stand there and tell me he’d loved me when he’d replaced me so quickly after we broke up. Clearly I had never meant anything to him. It felt as though it had all just been lies. 

 

I don’t remember picking up my phone or selecting the contact but I suddenly had it to my ear and I could hear it ringing and then a familiar voice answered.

“Same Parts.”

 

“I need to see Taylor.”

 

There was a long pause before he spoke again.

 

“Ummmmm, are you sure of which Taylor?” His voice spoke back.

 

“The um- the girl. Drag queen.” Fuck I was hopeless.

 

“How does tomorrow work?”

 

I’d wanted to see her now, I needed to see her now but it was late and she was probably in some other guy’s bed. I didn’t let myself think about that too long.

 

“Ok.” I told the guy to have her meet me at the hotel we went to last time. He told me to tell the front desk her name and leave her a key. I agreed and then he hung up. I was probably going to regret this in the sober light of day. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

“Hi, my names Taylor, there should be a key for me?” I smiled sweetly at the man on the front desk. I came here a lot, he probably knew my name. He probably also knew why I was here so often but they just turned the other cheek.

 

He rummaged around on the desk before finding the key card he was looking for and handing it to me. 

“Room 206.” He smiled which I returned. I thanked him and swayed towards the lift, knowing he was staring at my ass as I went. Poor guy, if only he knew what was in my pants. 

 

I rode up in the elevator, checking my make-up in the mirror. It wasn’t very often I was called straight to a hotel. The point of calling for a drag queen was that you took them out in public, letting people think you were on a date with a beautiful woman. If this guy just wanted to get fucked could he not have called a me in as a boy like normal? I made it to room 206 and I politely knocked.

 

“Come in.” A muffled voice called from inside. I swiped the key card and heard the door click as it unlocked. He better let me have a few drinks before he had his way with me; the heroin only worked so well. I straightened down my dress as I pushed the door open, it was a figure hugging white and blue striped latex dress with a bow on the left breast. I’d paired it with long gloves to cover my track marks that were getting worse by the day and wore a curly blonde wig for a change. I closed the door behind me and couldn’t stop the smirk spreading to my lips when I saw him, stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.

 

“Well isn’t this a nice surprise?” I put my hand on my hip and raised an eyebrow at him. He couldn’t have looked anymore nervous if he tried. 

 

“Hi.” Josh croaked and I couldn’t help but notice he sounded sad. I came further into the room and his eyes looked really sad too. He also looked like he might have been crying.

 

“Have you been crying?” I asked him, wanting to pull him into a tight hug but knowing I shouldn’t. He bit his lip and sighed.

 

“I ran into my ex yesterday.”

 

I took that as a yes.

 

“It’s the first time I’d seen him since we broke up and he had this fucking gorgeous new boyfriend, who he met like a month after we broke up! And he yelled at me and…I don’t know. The first person I wanted to talk to was you. Is that weird?”

 

“A little,” I smiled. “But I get it. That must have been hard.”

 

“It really was. I thought I was just starting to feel better you know? It’s like I’m back at the beginning, it’s like the day we broke up all over again.” He fell to the bed and I sat next to him. I gently put my hand on his shoulder.

 

“It’ll get better.” I whispered.

 

“You think so?”

 

“No idea,” I shrugged. “I’ve never had my heart broken before, but that’s what they always say isn’t it? It gets better.”

 

“You’ve never had your heart broken?”

 

I shook my head. “I don’t let people close enough for them to break my heart.” I smiled a little sadly, surprised I had confessed that to him. 

 

Josh looked surprised too, “I wish I could be like that.” He chuckled a little sadly. 

 

“No you don’t,” I shook my head. “It’s pretty fucking lonely.” I averted my eyes from his, feeling like an idiot for saying as much. What was it about Josh that made me want to spill my guts to him? 

 

“That’s sad.” Josh put his hand on my knee and the touch felt way better than it should have. I looked back at him and smiled softly.

 

“Yeah well, don’t go telling people I have feelings. I have a reputation to up hold.” I smirked and suddenly pushed myself up off the bed. 

“Want a drink?” He asked and got up too, heading to the mini bar.

 

“More than anything.” I grinned. Josh fished around in the fridge and handed me a small bottle of vodka, getting a whiskey for himself. 

 

“Right, so I want you tell me three bad things about your ex.” I leant against the dressing table, sipping my vodka. Josh frowned.

 

“Bad? There is nothing bad about him.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Yes there is. He broke up with you, that’s one. But I came up with it so it doesn’t count.”

 

“What’s the point?”

 

“The point is,” I bent down and took a couple more vodkas from the fridge and made my way back over to the bed. “You need to start focusing on the bad or you’re just going to be pining over him forever. So go.” I kicked my shoes off, watching Josh as the cogs turned in his head. He also grabbed a few more whiskeys and joined me on the bed. 

 

“Uhm ok.” He scratched the back of his head. “He snored, a lot.”

 

“Good, that’s one.” I smiled encouragingly at him.

 

“Uhm…he was a remote hogger. We never watched what I wanted to watch.”

 

“That’s great! One more.” I finished my first vodka and started on the second. 

 

“He uhm…he never let me top.” Josh blushed a deep shade of crimson and I laughed a little; I couldn’t help myself. “Don’t laugh at me!” He playfully pushed my arm.

 

“I knew you were a bottom.” I joked.

 

“Yeah, well I didn’t get much of a chance to be anything but with Oliver. I’m actually a top now that I have the option.” He was still blushing, clearly wishing he hadn’t said anything. I thought it was adorable.

 

“Sorry.” I bit my lip. “Whenever you miss him, just try and focus on those things yeah? It’ll help.”

 

“Sure know a lot about this stuff for someone who’s never had their heart broken.” He raised an eyebrow at me and I pulled a face.

 

“I watch TV.” I downed the second vodka. We were silent for a little while after that before Josh tentatively spoke up.

 

“So uhm…how do you like become an escort? Did you just wake up one day and decide hey, I want to get paid for having sex?”

 

I shot him a look, I could tell my eyes were dark. Oh yeah because that’s what every little kid dreams of isn’t it? What a fucking stupid question. There was no way we were getting into this conversation. I suddenly jumped up from the bed.

 

“Let’s go out. Take me dancing.” I was slipping my heels back on.

 

“Dancing, really? If I’m not mistaken, you’re on my dollar, shouldn’t I get to decide what we do?” He folded his arms but he was smirking. 

 

“Please?” I gave him my most adorable face. He caved.

 

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes standing back up. I don’t know if he knew I was changing the subject but he didn’t question it. Bless him for that. 

 

After much persistence on my part Josh bought us a bottle of champagne in the club. I drank straight from the bottle because I am not a classy gal. With the bottle in one hand, I lead Josh to the dance floor. I wrapped my spare arm around his neck and pulled him close. Slightly nervously I felt his hands around my waist soon after, holding me limply.

 

“I’m not a China doll.” I spoke into his ear so he’d hear me over the music. “Hold me like a man.” I made my voice low, more like a growl. I saw him swallow but he did as he was told and held me close to his body. I can’t describe exactly how it felt having Josh’s strong body so close to my own but it was as close to perfect as I had ever known. 

 

I put the champagne bottle to his lips and carefully poured some of the liquid into his mouth. I played with the back of his hair as I swayed us to the music. His eyes never left mine, I felt like the most beautiful person in the entire fucking world in that moment. The way Josh looked at me, as though I was the only person in existence, it made my heart race if I’m being honest. No one had  _ever_ looked at me like that in my entire life. It was wonderful but it scared the shit out of me at the same time.

 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” I teased, downing more champagne. He squeezed my side.

 

“Take a compliment.'”

 

“No can do.” I laughed but I worried my voice was riddled with sadness. 

Josh heard it, I saw it on his face.

 

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? I have absolutely no idea what you look like under all that make-up but I am sure you’re just as beautiful, if not more so without it.”

 

“Behave.” I rolled my eyes and forced more champagne down his throat. 

 

“I’m serious.” He squeezed my side again. “I can’t quite get over how perfect you are.”

 

I was blushing, I could feel my cheeks going red. I never blushed.

“I want shots!” I pulled out of his grasp and grabbed his hand, leading him back to the bar. I easily caught the bartender’s attention, I caught most people’s attention.

“Two shots of tequila.” I winked at him. I was leaning on the bar, making sure to push my ass out. I knew Josh was looking at it, I couldn’t blame him. I wanted him to think about what it would be like to fuck me. 

 

When the bar tender brought our shots over I turned to Josh, who was behind me and sure enough he was looking at my ass. 

 

“Money?” I snapped his attention back to my face. He stared at me blankly for a few seconds before shaking his head and fishing his wallet from his pocket. He paid the bar tender, I told him to keep the change and if Josh minded he didn’t say anything. I handed him his shot. 

 

“Cheers.” I smiled sexily and clinked my glass on his before necking the liquid. It burnt but it was a good kind of burn. I washed it down with more champagne and then I was dragging Josh back over to the dance floor, my arm back around his neck, his around my waist.

 

“This might sound really dumb.” He spoke into my ear and I loved the way his breath felt on my neck. 

 

“Try me.” I smiled.

 

“You’re uhm…”

 

“Spit it out, Josh.” I sipped more champagne keeping my eyes on his. I saw him swallow again.

 

“Do you wear like padding when you dress like this?” I saw a slight hint of a blush on his face as he said this. He was talking about my ass.

 

“Well I wear a corset to pull me in,” I sipped more champagne. “But if you’re talking about this…” I slid out of his grasp, turned around and slapped my ass cheek hard. “That’s all me.” I had become very cocky the last couple months but I didn’t think that was necessarily a bad thing.

 

He licked his lip as his gaze trailed down to my ass. It looked particularly good in latex. I was feeling feisty as usual so I backed myself into him, nestling my ass on his crotch and grinding my hips a little. I swear to god I heard him gasp. I thought he’d push me away but to my surprise he grabbed my hips a little roughly and spun me back around to face him. Then he attacked my lips with his own. I instantly swung my arms back around his neck, the bottle dangling from my fingers and opened my mouth just enough to allow Josh’s tongue to enter. 

 

He held me tightly, pulling me in close to his body. I could feel he was hard, and worryingly I was getting hard too. It reminded me of the night he kissed me when I was Tyler, that passion and fire was the same as I remembered that night. I wondered if he felt it too. 

 

When the kiss broke, Josh gasped for air and I held the bottle to his lips, which were now covered in my red lipstick and he sipped from it. 

 

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” I knew what the answer would be but fuck, I wanted him to say yes. I wanted him to  _ravage_ me. 

 

“Yes,” He panted and my face lit up but then he shook his head. “I mean no. I can’t, I want to, but I can’t.”

 

Goddamnit.

 

“Ok.” I would do just about anything to get Josh into bed but I wasn’t going to beg.

 

“Ok? Really?”

 

“Yeah, I learnt my lesson. I told you I wouldn’t harass you again.”

 

“Thank you.” He smiled softly, looking almost like he wanted me to harass him.

 

“But just know,” I leaned really close to his ear. “If you ever change your mind, I’d never say no.”

 

“That’s because you can’t when you’re being paid for it.” He raised an eyebrow at me. 

 

“Even if that wasn’t the case. If you didn’t have to pay me, I still wouldn’t say no.”

 

Josh took the bottle from my hand and drank some himself now. 

 

“This is so fucked up.” He sighed. “I think I actually fucking like you but of course that doesn’t matter. I wish things were different.” He hung his head. My heart swelled. He liked me. He wanted me and he wished things were different. This really was so unfair.

 

“Me too.” I whispered cupping his cheek. 

 

“Let’s just stay a bit longer, dance and have fun. Try and forget that I can’t have you. Is that ok?” Josh asked handing me back the champagne. 

 

“That’s fine by me.” I agreed and we returned to our dancing position with Josh still holding me tightly. If I really concentrated I could pretend, even just for a moment, that things were perfect. That this incredible man holding me wasn’t a client, he wasn’t paying to be with me. Just for a moment I wanted to pretend that everything was perfect. Even if it couldn’t last. 

———————————–

_June 25th_

_That night I had a dream about Josh. I fully expected it to be a sex dream but it wasn’t. We were on the couch in Josh’s apartment, me in full drag. We were watching TV and he had his arm around me, my head was rested on his chest. After a while he gently cupped my face and turned me to look at him. He whispered softly to me, 'please, can I see you under all that make-up. The real you?’ And I couldn’t say no to that._

 

_He helped me wipe away the layers of paint and when he was done he sat back and studied my face. He ran his fingertips over my cheek bones, jaw and nose before sitting back with a smile on his face. 'You are still the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.’ And then he kissed me, so softly and so lovingly. When he pulled away I had tears in my eyes. 'What’s wrong babe?’ He kept his hand on my cheek. A small tear rolled down my face._

 

_'No one’s ever called me beautiful before.’_

 

_'Well you are.’ He told me, kissing me again. 'So damn beautiful.’ He held me close and I sighed in content._

 

_When I woke up Patrick was staring down at me._

 

_'Why do you have a stupid sappy grin on your face?’ He asked me, raising an eyebrow at me. 'You know you’re in hell right?’ He added._

 

_Thanks for bursting my bubble Patrick. It had been less than twelve hours and I missed Josh. I missed Josh almost as much as I would miss my right arm if it were severed from my body. We stayed in the club a while last night, I was fairly tipsy by the time we left. Outside he pressed me into the wall and kissed me again, looking so sad when he had to hand the money over. I almost didn’t take it. He offered to walk me home but I had to say no. I told him that I might look like a delicate, vulnerable girl but I’m actually a pretty strong boy under this get up and that had made Josh laugh._

 

_He’d kissed me on the cheek and promised to call. I don’t think he can stay away anymore. I can’t not notice the way he looks at me. I hope the poor boy doesn’t fall because I can’t catch him, no matter how much I would like to._

 

_But I also hope that he_ **_does_ ** _fall, because god I feel myself falling too. I was playing a dangerous game here, and someone was inevitably going to get hurt. But I just don’t see a way out now._

————————————

_July 1st_

_I’ve always been skinny. My parents both are too, it must be in our genes. But right now the best way to describe my body is gaunt._

 

_I haven’t eaten properly in months and my body was slowly wasting away. My chest was concave, ribs, hip bones and collarbones more prominent than they ever were before. My face was hollow, my eyes looked deep and sunken, surrounded by large black circles. Even my hair was more lifeless than it used to be. The grimy shower products they gave us probably didn’t help._

 

_I almost didn’t recognise myself when I looked in the mirror anymore. I was quite literally going to deteriorate into nothing one day._

————————————

**/// Josh**

“Do you really think people are buying this?” I leant on the table and whispered as low as I could.

 

“Why wouldn’t they be buying it?”

 

“You know.” I rolled my eyes. She raised an eyebrow at me.

 

“Are you trying to say that I can’t pass as a woman? I’m offended Josh.” Taylor smirked so I knew she wasn’t really. 

 

We’d gone to dinner for the first time and I was feeling extra paranoid tonight but I don’t know why. She looked incredibly beautiful, as always and yes, if I didn’t know any better I would think she was a woman but there was something different about being in a restaurant rather than a dark club where she couldn’t be seen properly. I would be mortified if someone figured out the truth.

 

“Of course I’m not. I just…I don’t know I’m being paranoid I guess.” I shrugged. Taylor smiled and slid her gloved hand across the table and placed it on top of mine.

 

“Well stop it. Relax Josh, try and enjoy yourself.” Her smile was so warm it made me want to do anything she said. We had a full three courses and Taylor ate every last bite in record time. Her appetite still amazed me. When she was finished with her dessert she sighed in content and sipped her wine.

 

“That was amazing.”

 

“I should hope so, it’s probably going to cost an arm and a leg.” I chuckled a little.

 

“I’m worth it though.” She batted her eyelids. She really fucking was.

 

She held onto my hand tightly as we walked off our dinner in Central Park. No one had ever held my hand so tightly before. Maybe she was scared of something, I wasn’t sure. I’d always had a feeling there was something hidden deep in her eyes. Something that resembled fear and vulnerability. She didn’t let it show very often but I saw it sometimes when she stared at me intently. 

 

Taylor rested her head on my shoulder as we walked and I let go of her hand to instead wrap it around her waist. She sighed what sounded like a content sigh.

 

“Are you ok?” I asked her softly. She sighed again.

 

“I’m perfect.”

 

“Yes you are.”

 

She lifted her head to look at me. When I looked back at her I saw the reflection of the stars in her eyes and it made my heart skip a beat. She slowed down, pulling me to a stop.

 

“Do you mean it?” She whispered, a hint of vulnerability to her voice. I smiled and gently stroked her face.

 

“Of course, Tay.” I wanted to kiss her but I refrained. When I kissed her I wanted more but I couldn’t have more. 

 

“Thank you.” She looked like she might be blushing but it was hard to tell in the dark. She rested her head on my shoulder again and we continued walking, my arm protectively wrapped around her still. I was falling, there was no doubt about it. There was no way to stop it. I was smitten. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_August 8th_

_Josh was the biggest dork ever and I loved that about him. I was quickly becoming hooked on spending time with him. It didn’t matter where we went or what we did, as long as I was with him I could forget about what I had to go back to. I could just pretend I was a normal teenager on a date with a beautiful man. When I was with Josh, I felt like I ruled the world._

————————————

“This is so dorky, you know that right?” I laughed at him as I watched the look of concentration on his face.

 

“Do you want a cute little bear or not?” He didn’t look at me as he lined up his shot. His tongue was sticking out the side of his mouth a little as he focused on his target. I rolled my eyes. I didn’t get that competitive macho bullshit but it kinda suited Josh. I was getting weirdly turned on. He threw the ball and knocked over all of the milk bottles. He cheered and scooped me into a large hug.

 

“Dork.” I giggled.

 

“Yeah but I’m a dork that just won you a teddy bear. Now which one do you want, woman?” He spun me around to look at the small soft toys on display. They were all a little tacky to be honest but Josh seemed so proud of himself. 

 

I ran my long fingernail over the display and came to a stop at a red bear with a polka dot pattern on her belly. It was no bigger than a pack of cigarettes and I thought I could easily sneak her back into the basement. I picked her up and presented it to Josh on the palm of my hand.

 

“Please meet Taylor Junior.” I smiled brightly. Josh bowed his head close to the bear and using his thumb and forefinger shook the bears paw.

 

“Very nice to meet you.” He smiled. I rolled my eyes and nudged him in the arm.

 

“Dork.” I linked my arm through his and he lit us both a cigarette. I used my free hand to cup Taylor Jnr. The fair was a buzz of lights and clinking noises and screams from the rollercoaster and kids running around begging to go on this ride or this game. We smoked as Josh led the way through the park until we came to a cotton candy stall.

 

“Two please.” He told the man and we watched as he made our candy bouquets before Josh paid him. We ditched our cigarettes and took the cotton candy. 

 

“Why the fair?” I asked him as we made our way to a nearby bench. We both sat down and I slung my legs over his and he placed his strong hand on my thigh. I was not dressed for the fair in my outfit, tighter than tight high waisted leather shorts and a long sleeved  _almost_ see-through gold shimmer blouse and killer heels that kept sinking into the grass. Josh on the other hand look much more casual in his shorts and t-shirt combo and he was wearing glasses. I loved his glasses. 

 

“I’ve come every year it’s in town since I moved here. I don’t know, I just like it.” He shrugged a little shyly.

 

“Dork.” I told him again. “Even Taylor Jnr thinks you’re a dork.”

 

“Hey I won her, she should like me!”

 

“She does. But she still thinks you’re a dork.” I teased and he rolled his eyes.

 

“Maybe I am a dork, so what?” He shrugged. “You love that I’m a dork.”

 

It was true. I wasn’t going to tell him that though.

 

“Keep dreaming.” I picked some of the pink fluff off my stick and put it in Josh’s mouth. He licked my fingers way more than he needed to. I felt my dick stir.

 

“Filthy.” I rolled my eyes pretending to be offended.

 

“Sorry, but you’re the one that put your fingers in my mouth.”

 

“I was feeding you.” I ate some of the sugary mess myself. 

 

“Sorry to ruin your nice gesture.” He laughed.

 

“You didn’t.” I smirked dangerously. He bit his lip, I was turning him on. I promised to behave, I wasn’t going to harass him for sex no matter how much I wanted to. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel!” I squealed jumping up and grabbing his hand. 

 

Josh rolled his eyes but he laughed.

“See you like it here just as much as I do.” He linked his arm through mine again and we finished the cotton candy as we walked. I was catching a lot of attention as we headed towards the Ferris wheel, Josh noticed it too.

 

“Do you turn this many heads when you’re out of drag?” He whispered in my ear.

 

“I wish.” I chuckled but I was a little sad about that thought. “I’m a much more beautiful woman than I am a man.”

 

Josh pulled me to a stop and looked at me seriously.

 

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

“Ignore me please.” I didn’t want him feeling sorry for me so I grabbed his arm again and pulled him towards the Ferris wheel. In the queue he stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. I was sure his back must’ve been hunched over my short stature. I clutched my little bear in my hands and stroked its head. I was going to treasure her forever.

 

Josh helped me into the seat when we got the front and sat down himself. Once we were strapped in he put his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on him. We were silent for most of the ride, taking in the sights of the city as we got higher and higher. I never wanted this night to end.

 

“I want you to know Tay,” he cupped my chin and guided my face up so I was looking at him. “Regardless of the make-up, whoever you under there, I will always think you are beautiful.”

 

I felt tears sting my eyes. I didn’t have a response for that so instead I kissed him. He held my face as our tongues found their way into each other’s mouths, my bear sandwiched between our bodies. If there was ever a more perfect moment, I hadn’t encountered it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me comments about how Josh is the sweetest thing ever plsssssssssssssssssssssssatanwillgetyouifyoudont


	9. You Can't Wake Up, This Is Not A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOOF it's getting good. Enjoy!

**/// Josh**

Over the next few months Taylor and I spent a lot of time together. I tried to keep all physical contact to a minimum. We hadn’t hugged and we hadn’t kissed since the night at the fair and although it was killing me, it was for the best. Otherwise I was very likely to jump her fucking bones. 

 

She basically knew my entire life story by now, whereas I knew hardly anything about her, but I understood why she couldn’t tell me. We went to bars, clubs, sometimes she let me take her for dinner. We spent a lot of time in the hotel too, talking, eating room service and emptying the mini bar. 

 

All of my money was going on this person, but I didn’t care. I was falling. I’d tried so hard not too, I really had but I couldn’t stop myself now. I didn’t even know what he looked like under that make-up, the real man that lived under the facade of a beautiful woman. I could count on one hand the things I knew about her. She shared my love of music, she was a dog person, like myself. She was eighteen, which I found hard to believe, she said she looked very young out of drag and that she never got asked for ID in clubs when she was a woman. Like me she’d had a hard time with her family when she’d come out, them being rich, suburban parents. I’d opened up to her, told that my father had told me I wasn’t welcome in his home if I was a dirty queer. I’d told her all about the ‘straight camp’ my parents had sent me to when I seventeen. I told her that since the day I came home from that camp I’d been pretending to be straight ever since. Taylor told me how sad she thought that was. I agreed. But it is what it is. 

 

The thing about Taylor is though, for the first time since straight camp I wanted to be out. I wanted her to strip back all the drag and let me take her out as the man she really was. I wanted to hold  _his_ hand as I walked down the street. I wanted to kiss  _his_ perfect face and I wouldn’t care who saw. I wanted everyone to see  _him_ on my arm and being jealous because he was with me and not them. I never told her any of that though. I never told her that I wanted her to quit being an escort and be my boyfriend. I could never tell her that. I knew I was just another client to her; another pay check. She would probably only laugh at me. But god I wish I could tell her.

 

One night while we were at the hotel, we were sat at opposite ends of the bed trying to throw M&M’s in each other’s mouths and failing miserably. The floor was covered in the small coloured candies but we didn’t care. Her company never failed to lift my spirits, around Taylor I forgot about how lonely and miserable I was and tonight was no exception. 

 

She tossed a yellow M&M at me with her long manicured hand, it missed and landed about a foot to my left making her giggle. “You really are terrible at this.” 

 

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not much better.”

 

She opened her mouth wide as I launched a blue one at her; it hit her chin. “Asshole!” She kicked me in the shin.

 

“Hey! I didn’t do it on purpose!”

 

“I give up, I just want to eat them.” She grabbed a handful from the bag and one by one popped them in her mouth. “So tell me something about yourself.”

 

“You already know basically all there is to know about me. Tell me something about you.”

 

She narrowed her eyes on me as though she was thinking about what she could and couldn’t reveal. She ate a few more of the M&M’s as she did so. 

“I’m a Sagittarius.” She smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Your turn.”

 

“I’m a Gemini.”

 

“Nooo.” She kicked me again. “Something more interesting than that!”

 

“Like what?” I chuckled. 

 

“Have there been men since your ex?” She didn’t even hesitate, I sensed she had that question prepared, I don’t know why though. I frowned a little but really I never thought twice before I told her anything. 

 

“Two. Just one night stands though.”

 

“Do tell.” She smiled brightly, settling back into the pillows. Why did she have this effect on me?

 

“Well there was this one guy, I think he was called Awsten or something. We hooked up and I had no intention of seeing him again. And the other…” I paused, my mind quickly bringing his face to the forefront of my mind. God I hadn’t through about him in ages. “His name was Tyler. It was only a one night stand but there was something so magical about him. There was this instant spark, I don’t know, it was dumb. He said he didn’t own a cell phone, brush off right? It sucked, I would have really liked to have seen him again.” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. 

 

“Was he any good?” Taylor smirked, rubbing her foot along my leg. I rolled my eyes buying some time by eating a few sweets.

 

“That’s none of your business.”

 

“Oh come on Joshie.” I hated when she called me that. Ok, so I loved it when she called me it but she only called me it when she wanted something. I sighed again and bit my lip.

 

“He was…the best I’ve ever had.” I tried not to blush but I think I failed. A large smile spread across Taylor’s face.

 

“That’s so sweet.”

 

“Yeah well, I’m never going to see him again so what does it matter?”

 

“Maybe I can help take your mind off of him?” She ran her foot further up my leg, coming to a stop at my crotch. I swallowed hard.

 

“Nope, nah uh.” I shook my head pushing her foot away. “Behave you sex pest.”

 

“I can’t help being a sex pest when you’re fucking hot.” She popped another M&M in her mouth, raising an eyebrow at me challengingly. 

 

“Stop it.” I told her sternly. Although a part of me didn’t want her to stop at all.

————————————

A few days later when I was visiting Pete and Mark down at the police station, things started taking a weird turn. 

 

I was meeting them for lunch like I did sometimes. I went round back to where we always met in the car park, where they would always argue over who was driving. 

 

As I rounded the corner I saw Mark approach Pete, a look of concern spread across his face.

 

“Brendon Urie.” He said to Pete, nothing else, just that. 

 

Pete frowned, clearly as confused as I was.

 

“The dead guy that was found the other week?” Pete questioned him. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be listening to this but also I was curious. 

 

They were never allowed to talk about cases while they were active, sure I got all the gory details after the fact but the look on Mark’s face told me this was big. So I hung back out of sight and I knew it was bad but I just couldn’t help myself.

 

“Yeah him.”

 

“What about him?”

 

“I’ve found something really fucking weird.” Mark ran his fingers through his messy dark hair. Pete slid his sunglasses off his face and onto his head and looked at Mark properly.

 

“Really fucking weird how?”

 

“When I was back in Chicago, three or four years ago now, we found a body. His name was Joseph Trohman, twenty-three years old. He was from Ohio and when we spoke to his parents they told us he’d run away when he was twenty-one and they’d never heard from him again. They’d listed him as a missing person but nothing came up. The weird thing was since the day he’d left home, asides from buying a one way ticket to Chicago, Trohman’s card was never used again. In fact, he slipped under the radar completely until the day he turned up dead.” Mark looked a little spooked, I’d never seen him like that before. He didn’t talk a lot about Chicago, maybe I was about to find out why.

 

“Ok, and what does this have to do with Urie?”

 

“Well Urie was a runway too. He was a little older, twenty-four and he’d last been seen in his hometown in Las Vegas on the eve of his twenty-second birthday. The last purchase on his card was a ticket to New York. For two years the guy fell off the grid just to turn up dead.”

 

“Yeah I guess that’s kind of weird but doesn’t that kind of shit happen all the time?” Pete folded his arms, clearly not buying the connection. I saw Mark smirk in a challenging way.

 

“There’s more.” Mark stepped closer to Pete. “In Urie’s personal belongings there was, amongst other things, condoms, make-up, a plain white card with a number written on it and a small key with the letters 'NL’ engraved on it. Trohman had the same items in his possession.”

 

My blood ran cold. Taylor had a white card with a number on. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a key with those letters on in her purse too. Maybe it wasn’t those letters, I only caught a glimpse.

 

“Ok, you have my interest.” Pete unfolded his arms. 

 

“They aren’t the only ones. There have been numerous other bodies found with those items on them, I’ve been researching it. They were found far enough apart and in different states so no one’s ever put the two together before.” Mark reached into his jacket and pulled out some files before leading Pete to a bench. 

 

They both sat down, the files between them. “It started in Boston about twelve years ago from what I can gather. The first was Spencer Smith, nineteen originally from Nevada. The second was Jaremy Davis, twenty-one from Tennessee. Jack Barakat, twenty, Baltimore. Travis Barker, twenty-three, California. Then it started in Chicago. Tyson Ritter, twenty, Oklahoma. Ashley Purdy, twenty-four, Missouri. Joseph Trohman. And there are more from New York too, Brandon Flowers, twenty-five, Utah. Jonathan Bellion, eighteen, Long Island. And now Brendon Urie. They all had the same items on them when they were found and they all had their throats slit and cuts between their shoulder blades. They had all been beaten prior to their deaths, each man had various stages of healed bruises.” Mark showed Pete the files on each of the men and I felt sick to my stomach. What the fuck had all these men been involved in? And could Taylor possibly be involved too?

 

“What are you thinking?” Pete asked him still flicking through the files. Mark sighed.

 

“When I was in Chicago I got real close to uncovering an underground male prostitution ring.” Mark was whispering now, his voice so quiet I almost didn’t hear him. “We figured the initials on the keys to be a guy called Nicolas Lever. We’d gotten close to him a few times but never close enough. When the last body dropped in Chicago, Trohman’s, that’s when I started finding out about all these other guys. I spoke to the detective that had headed up the cases in Boston and that’s where I got the name Nicolas from. We tried the numbers on the cards but it lead nowhere at first. The keys were a dead end too. I managed to interview a guy who had paid Trohman for sex with the promise of a deal if he told me what I needed to know. So basically you call up and tell them what kind of guy you like. This guy I interviewed said his friend told him about the place but conveniently the friend was 'out of town’. But here’s the kicker, the men you request, they dress up as woman if you want. It’s for like the closeted man kind of niche.”

 

My heart was beating so hard I could barely hear Mark. _Oh. My. God._

 

“He didn’t know Trohman’s real name, he’d been introduced to him as Jolie. They’d gone out to a bar and then back to a hotel and the guy never saw Jolie again. So we tried the number again, this time from a pay phone. A man answers and all he says is ’ _Same Parts’_. I went with what the guy told me and said what kind of guy I like and he said he’d arrange a meeting. The guy that met me called himself Geard, he came as a boy, smudged eyeliner and such. I took him to a hotel and I pressed him for answers, things got a little ugly, let’s just say I’m not proud of the way I acted on that room. Gerard gave me nothing though and then after that night, no other bodies ever turned up matching that MO. I assumed Nicholas had been scared because I’d gotten to one of his boys and he’d ran. I never fucking dreamed he’d end up here.”

 

“Why didn’t someone see this connection when the New York bodies turned up?” Pete asked finally finished with the files.

 

“I would have, but I didn’t work any of those cases and I guess people turn up dead all the time, especially in New York. Unless you worked every one of those cases you wouldn’t notice. And I checked the files, each of the New York cases were worked by different detectives, different criminalists, even different medical examiners worked on the bodies.”

 

“Wow, so this could have just kept on going undetected?”

 

“Like it did in Boston and Chicago for so long.” Mark put his head in his hands. I’m not even sure I was breathing any more at this point. All these dead guys had been male prostitutes. They all had similar keys and cards that Taylor carried. Mark thought it was an underground male prostitute ring. Holy fucking shit. I was in so much further over my head than I’d realised. 

 

This was so fucking bad and I couldn’t tell Mark and Pete that I knew one of them because how much fucking trouble would I be in? Although Mark had talked about that guy cutting a deal, maybe I could do that? I’d never even had sex with Taylor so maybe it wasn’t that bad? My head was spinning. I just about heard Pete say, “where the fuck is Josh anyway?” Before I had to get the hell out of there. 

 

My legs were shaking as I ran as far away from the precinct as I possibly could. I had a meeting with Taylor tomorrow night. I’d invited her to a work party. Fuck I couldn’t do that now could I, not after everything I’d just heard? But I needed answers, and I knew there was only one person I had any hope in hell of getting them from. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_September 19th_

_I’m pretty sure I’m imminently going to die. As I write this, I am waiting to be called to see Nicholas, a man I haven’t seen since that day at the bus station over six months ago._

 

_Patrick had looked terrified when he’d heard and that told me all I needed to know. The next time I leave this room, I’m not coming back. In a weird way there was some kind of solace in that thought. I’d been slowly rotting away in this hell hole and the thought of finally getting out, even if it was through death, kind of put me at peace. I know that sounds terrible but you have no idea what the last six months have been like._

 

_So if I do die, if this is the last time I get to write in here I’m going to try and make it as detailed as possible. I’ve told Patrick that if he ever manages to get out of here to take this straight to the cops. I’m going to hide this book under a loose tile by my bed and hope that if the cops ever find this place they will find this book and they will know exactly what went down here. If I die, I don’t want it to be vain. I hope my account from the last six months will someday help others. If my death can stop this happening to others then it will be worth it._

_This is probably my own fault anyway._

 

_The day I realised I had feelings for Josh I should I have walked away. The deeper I fell the more danger I put us both in. I hope more than anything else in the world that he’s safe. I hope they didn’t get to him too. The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with that man. For the first time in my entire life I had found a person that made me want to stop running. I think he felt the same way but I’ll probably never know because I doubt I’ll ever see him again, even if I don’t die._

 

_If someone finds this, please track him down and tell him he meant the world to me. Tell him I would never have gotten through this without him. I wouldn’t have lasted this long if it wasn’t for our friendship, he made the dark days and nights that little bit more manageable. Tell him that if things would have been different I would have loved him for the rest of my life. Make sure he knows he was who I was thinking about at the very end. His beautiful face. Those mocha eyes, stupid colourful tattoo, and that smile. That fucking smile lit up my whole world. Tell him he was the best thing to ever happen to me and I am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him. Make sure he knows it’s going to be alright even though he won’t believe you. Hold him while he cries if you have to. Just make sure he’ll be ok. Please god, that’s all I ask is for that man to be ok. He deserves that much. Tell him I was the man, Tyler, he met that night in the club and took home. Make sure he knows that night was one of the greatest of my life._

 

_Tell my parents I’m sorry. Their names are Kelly and Chris Joseph and they live in Columbus, Ohio. Tell them I’m sorry and that I love them, despite everything, of course I love them._

 

_Make sure the other men in this basement get back to their own families. Be careful with Patrick, he likes to pretend he’s hard as nails but I can tell there’s a fragile soul under the hard exterior. Thank them all for me, make sure they know how much their friendships meant to me in this dark place._

 

_Kill Nicholas. Matt and Logan too. Most importantly Alice. Make sure they all suffer the way they made us all suffer. Make sure it hurts, watch them bleed and think of all the men that ended up like me._

 

_Save anyone else from meeting this horrible, crippling fate. Please god. Don’t let my death be for nothing._

_This is how it all went down._

————————————

Josh looked like he had something on his mind, I saw it the moment he rounded the corner. I smiled brightly at him, taking in his tux. I was sure no one had ever looked that handsome before. I couldn’t help but throw my arms around his neck and pull him into a tight embrace.

 

“Someone scrubs up well.” I gently kissed his cheek, making sure not to get any lipstick on him. He still looked as though he was thinking about something, the look in his eyes was distant. But then I saw it fade as he started looking me up and down taking in my appearance. 

 

He wasn’t the only one that scrubbed up well. I’d been informed to dress my best tonight as I was being taken to some fancy event. I chose my best dress, a floor length long sleeved gown that was almost completely sheer with red glitter that covered me in all the right places. It was low cut, open almost all the way down my chest and Andy had helped me contour on some really realistic looking cleavage. None of my wigs had seemed to work with the dress and Ryan had come over to me, seeing me panicking and handed me a gorgeous shoulder length black wig that had such a vintage look to it I fell in love with it instantly. 

 

Clearly Josh liked it too. I saw his mouth open and close a few times as he tried to form some words. I put my hand on my hip and raised an eyebrow.

 

“A simple,  _you look beautiful Taylor,_ will suffice.” I teased. His eyes met mine again and he bit his lip, nodding.

 

“You do.” He agreed. “More than beautiful in fact. I just can’t think of the word.”

 

“Thank you.” God I was blushing, how embarrassing. “So what’s this fancy shamancy party you’re taking me to?”

 

“Uhm…it’s some shitty work thing. We have them every year or something, all of our offices on the East Coast meet up for a massive party. The last few years I’ve flown solo, I could never take Oliver. But I thought it would be nice to bring someone this time.” Josh didn’t sound sure of himself, I detected something off in his tone of voice. I’m not sure what it was.

 

“Open bar?” I grinned. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Lucky for you. Lead the way.” I hooked my arm in his and starting leading us to the entrance but Josh stopped after a few paces.

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

 

“What?” I frowned at him.

 

“Can we just go to the hotel or something? I really need to talk to you about something.” The look in his eye told me it was serious and that scared me. I tossed my hair over my shoulder.

 

“And waste this dress?” I scoffed. “No way! We can talk later.” I pulled him towards the door and this time he came with me. I could tell he wasn’t happy about it but he did it for me. 

 

“Josh, are you going to introduce us to your beautiful lady friend?” A tall, pot belly man came over to us at the bar. I instinctively put my arm around Josh’s waist pulling him close. 

 

“Uhm this is my…my…”

 

“Girlfriend.” I cut Josh off, he clearly needed some help. “Taylor.” I smiled sweetly holding out a hand for the man to take which he did and he kissed the back of it too. Gross. If he noticed my hands were larger than women’s hands should be he didn’t say anything. My large red talons that Patrick has spent ages helping me stick on my fingernails probably helped deter from the size of my hands. 

 

“Such a pleasure to meet you Taylor. I’m Josh’s boss Edward but you can call me Ted.” He smiled a smarmy smile at me. He reminded me of my clients. 

 

“Pleasure.” I tried my hardest to hide the disdain from my voice. I’d gotten very good at that. 

 

“Josh, why didn’t you tell me about this gorgeous woman? Why would you keep her hidden?” Ted gasped, clutching his large belly. Josh bit his lip, he looked as though he was a million miles away.

 

“Uhm…we haven’t been dating too long.” He held my waist with one hand and his drink in the other. The hand holding the drink was white, as though he was clutching it for dear life.

 

“How did you meet?”

 

I looked at Josh now and he looked at me. We both tried to hide the fear from our faces. 

 

“Uhm…sorry what?” Josh tried to buy some time. We hadn’t thought about this. 

 

“I said how did you meet?” Ted looked between us in confusion, it wasn’t a hard question, and we should have an answer to that. 

 

“In a bar.” I blurted out. It wasn’t a lie, we had met in a bar. 

 

“Lovely.” Ted smiled. “You’ve got yourself a good one here Josh, don’t let her go.” He patted Josh hard on the back and I heard Josh wince. I don’t think Ted noticed. 

 

“Thanks.” Josh replied but Ted wasn’t listening; he was too busy eyeing me up and down and licking his lips. I held back a shudder. 

 

“It was so nice to meet you darling.” His eyes landed back on my face and I hope he didn’t see my snarl.  _Darling?_ Don’t fucking call me darling.

 

“And you.” _Asshole._ “I’ll talk to you later Josh.” He gave a small wave and then turned to leave. Thank god.

 

“Sorry about him, he’s an ass.” Josh downed half of his drink in one. 

 

“It’s ok. Just imagine the look on his face if he knew he’d been flirting with a boy.” I whispered winking at Josh. I thought that would illicit a laugh but he just nodded. I put my hand on his cheek.

 

“What’s wrong with you tonight?” I asked him softly. “You wanted to talk to me about something?”

 

“Yeah but not here.” He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I was worried.

 

“We can go if you really want to.” I kept my hand on his cheek, gently letting my fingertips brush his skin. 

 

“No it’s ok. Let’s stay for a bit, have a few drinks. We can talk later.”

 

I could tell he was doing this for my benefit so I leant in and gently kissed him on the lips. That seemed to relax him a bit. We finished our drinks and I noticed there were people dancing in the middle of the room. 

 

“Want to show me off?” I smiled at him, nodding my head in the direction of the small dance floor. Josh sighed a little but forced a smile.

 

“Sure. That dress is made to be seen.” He took my hand and I actually thought I felt a spark. He led me over to the floor and I wrapped my arms around his neck while he held my waist and we swayed slowly to the music.

 

“I like your wig.” He whispered in my ear.

 

“Thank you, I borrowed it from a friend.”

 

“I do prefer you with brown hair though, but either way you’re beautiful.” He was trying to relax, clearly trying to take his mind off of whatever it was that was bothering him. I appreciated that but I could still see it below the surface. 

 

“Not so bad yourself.” I ran my fingers over the back of his neck and came to a stop at his hairline. I could feel little goosebumps rising on his skin.

 

“You like it when I touch you like that?” I kept my voice low and I saw him swallow.

 

“I like it when you touch me anywhere.” He confessed. It made me blush and I don’t know why. I had never blushed as much as I did around Josh. 

 

“I could think of a few places I’d like to touch you.” I smirked and that made Josh blush too. 

 

“Stop it you pest.” He pinched my side. I’d behaved myself so well recently, I didn’t make so many advances on him. Of course I still made a few here and there which Josh always shot down but he was less uptight and more playful when he did it now. God I wanted him so bad, especially when we were this close, pressed up against each other. He told me about his night with Tyler a little while ago and how Tyler had been the best he’d ever had. The feeling was mutual but I couldn’t tell him that. I wish I could, I so wish I could.

 

We danced for a little while longer, chatted to random people and drank  _a lot._ All the men wanted me, all the women wanted to be me. It was a real fucking high let me tell you. 

 

By the time the party was over we were both quite tipsy, giggling and stumbling out of the building. I don’t know what we were laughing at as we fell onto the street, Josh’s strong hand holding my own. When the fresh air hit us, Josh suddenly stopped laughing. He looked at me seriously, so seriously, and let go of my hand. 

 

He took my shoulders and guided me so I was pushed against a nearby wall. Then he kissed me, so passionately I felt as though I was on fire. When he pulled back, he held my face gently, took a deep breath and spoke.

 

“I shouldn’t say this, but fuck it, I can’t pretend anymore. Tay, I’m falling for you; hook, line and fucking sinker.” He looked so scared and vulnerable and it made me smile. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him back for another kiss. This time when the kiss broke I kept his forehead pressed against mine, holding him in place by his neck. 

 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were just supposed to be another client. But fuck Josh, I’m falling for you too. Hook, line and fucking sinker.” I repeated using his words. Fuck it felt so good to say. 

 

“I need you Tay, like I really fucking need you.” He held my face hard, his eyes giving away exactly what he meant by that. It was all I’d ever wanted to hear coming from his lips.

 

“I need you too, Josh.”

 

His lips were on mine again after that and then he broke away, holding my hand he used the other to hail a cab. We made out all the way back to Josh’s apartment. He didn’t look at the driver as he threw some notes at him, he was too busy kissing my neck, his hands wandering between my legs. I was getting painfully hard, straining to keep it hidden. 

 

We made out as we tripped up the stairs to his building’s front door, Josh fumbled with the lock as I grouped his ass. We called the elevator and once inside he practically threw me against the wall, jammed the button for his floor and then his lips were on mine again.

 

My head was hazy due to a combination of lust and alcohol; I wonder if he felt it too. The elevator dinged and he pulled me along to his door once again fumbling with the lock. As soon as we were inside I kicked the door shut with my heel and his lips were once again back on mine, kissing me even more passionately than before.

 

I started working on loosening his tie as he led me to the bedroom. He fell back to the bed, tossing his tie across the room and kicking his dress shoes off before working on the buttons of his shirt. I straddled him, immediately lifting my dress to my thighs and slipping my panties down. I can’t tell you how incredible it felt to let it spring free. 

 

Josh hissed a little and his eyes kind of widened. I bowed my head to his ear and nibbled the lobe.

 

“Finally convinced I’m a man now?”

I mumbled in a low sexy voice. Josh just nodded. I kissed him again whilst getting his arms out of his shirt and discarding it on the floor. 

 

Suddenly Josh grabbed my face and looked me deep in the eyes.

“Can I take your make-up off?”

 

I froze for a second. God I would like that, I would like the truth to finally be out there. But this had been going on so long now that I was afraid of how he might act if he knew who I really was. Sadly I shook my head.

 

“No, I’m sorry.”

 

Josh bit his lip and nodded a little sadly.

 

“Can you at least tell me your name? I can’t call you Taylor, that’s too fucking weird.”

 

I wondered if I’d get away with telling him my name. Tyler’s a pretty common name after all and Josh did strike me as being a little less than observant. But I couldn’t risk it.

 

“You can call me…Ty.” That was close enough to the truth so I wasn’t technically lying but far enough from it, it would hopefully conceal my real identity. 

 

Josh smiled and nodded, pulling me back in for a kiss. I was working the buttons on his trousers and when they were undone Josh arched his back so I could slide them down his legs. I wanted to take this fucking dress off but I knew he’d figure out the truth if I did. My track marks and scars would no doubt give the game away. I couldn’t risk it. 

 

“Josh, I want you to fuck me. Would that be ok?” I was surprised by my own words. Surely I get fucked enough? But last time with Josh had been so _nice_ I just wanted to get fucked by this man again. And also, the way he’d talked about his ex, when he’d said he had never let him top, he’d sounded kind of sad about that. Josh’s eyes widened again but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. 

 

“I uhm…I’ve only done it one other time so sorry if I’m bad. I know your like, really experienced so I don’t wanna be bad.” He looked a little embarrassed so I stroked his cheek gently.

 

“I could ride you?” God I wanted that so badly. I saw the brief look of fear wash over Josh’s face but then he smiled.

 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He kissed me again. He sat up a little so I was sitting in his lap and his lips were trailing down my neck, softly biting the flesh. I threw my head back and gasped a little, the men I was used to didn’t take this much time. They just wanted to fuck you and be done with it. No foreplay, no neck kisses; nothing. I was going to enjoy every minute of this. 

 

One of Josh’s hands was playing with my wig, the other started trailing over the exposed skin of my chest where my dress dipped low. 

 

His hand kept getting lower and quickly found my erection, grasping the base making me gasp again. I saw him smile. He started pumping me slowly at first whilst I palmed him through his boxers. His lips were still on my neck and it felt like heaven. I was disappointed when his hand left my shaft and I think I even whimpered a little but Josh just smiled. 

 

“Need to open you up don’t I?” He smirked and then bit my lower lip. I felt my toes curl. 

 

“God yes please.” I begged, I didn’t care. Josh kissed me again and gently slid me off his lap.

 

“Lay down.” He whispered and I did as I was told. He leant over to the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom before straddling me. He uncapped the lube, staring deep into my eyes. 

 

“I’m going to make you feel so good Ty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHH JOSH GAVE IN. THATS MA BOI


	10. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O man we are getting close to the end. I was going to wait to post this but I was in too much anticipation of you finding out the ending. Only 3 more chapters *single tear*

**/// Josh**

“I’m going to make you feel so good, Ty.” I told him and I saw him squirm a little. If I hadn’t had so much to drink I might realize how weird this was. Here he was wearing all this make-up, a wig and a dress with an erection sticking out from under it. Also he was a fucking hooker and I had done so well over the last few months to stop myself from doing this but I couldn’t hold back anymore. I know it’s dumb but I really have fallen for him. I needed him more than I had ever needed anyone in my entire life. 

 

The conversation I’d overheard at the police station had completely disappeared from my mind. All I could think about was making Ty feel as good as humanly fucking possible. I coated two of my fingers in lube and Ty didn’t take his eyes off of me. I was a little nervous, I hadn’t topped since Tyler and that was a stranger. I cared more about how I appeared. But if that’s what he wanted then there was no way I could say no to that. I tried not to give a thought to all the other men who had been here before me. I tried to tell myself this was different, Ty cared about me and that this wasn’t about the money. I’m not sure if I believed it or if I just stopped thinking about it. I cautiously placed two fingers outside Ty’s hole and he bit his lip hard.

 

“Please Josh? I need you.” His voice was low and breathy and so desperate it made me shudder. I swallowed and gently pushed my fingers inside. Fuck he was warm. 

 

Ty moaned and screwed the bed sheets up in his hands. I started moving my fingers in and out, scissoring him to open him up; although he probably didn’t need it. 

 

He was making the most beautiful moaning sounds and it encouraged me to insert another finger. One of his hands found my pants and he hooked his fingers in the waistband, moving them down enough to let my dick free. He wrapped his hand around my shaft, I can’t explain how weird it was seeing his long manicured fingers on my dick. He pumped me slowly, clearly not wanting to push me over the edge just yet and I started working my fingers a little more roughly inside of him. 

 

“Fuck Josh, I’m ready please?” He begged and it was so hot to have him begging. He was a fucking mess and it was all because of me. I let my fingers gently slide out of him and as soon as they were out, Ty was flipping us over, my back colliding with the bed and I kicked my boxers all the way off. He straddled me and kissed me hard, his hand still somehow around my cock. He grabbed the condom and ripped it open with his teeth before teasingly rolling it over my length. 

 

My body felt like it was trembling. I think he sensed that because he kissed me softly.

“Are you ready?” He spoke into my lips.

 

“God yes.” I panted. Ty smirked and knelt up, positioning himself over my dick. He slowly started sitting back down, I felt the tip of my dick touch his hole and that was enough to make me moan. Inch by inch I watched as my dick slowly disappeared inside of Ty. The look on his face was pure ecstasy. I bit my lip hard and moaned really deeply when I was all the way inside.

 

“Fucking Christ you are tight.” I tried to not think about how that was possible. Ty grinned.

 

“Oh I know.” He winked. He started slowly moving up and down, I grabbed his small waist as I gasped. The feeling of being inside Ty was like nothing I had ever experienced before; I was drunk with Tyler and this was so much better not so wasted. I wondered why I hadn’t done this more, I must be stupid. He picked up his pace, his wig bouncing as he bobbed up and down. I squeezed his hips tightly, watching the way his face contorted when he found the right spot.

 

“Oh fuck that’s it.” He threw his head back, breathing heavily. I watched as he took hold of his own dick and started stroking himself. 

 

He bounced harder as I hit his bundle of nerves and he moaned deeply with each thrust. He had lipstick smeared all across his mouth and a small sheen of sweat on his forehead but he was still so fucking perfect. I started moving my hips, arching my back in an attempt to give Ty as much pleasure as was possible. It was becoming too much for me, I could feel I was on the brink of my orgasm, and judging by the look on Ty’s face he was too.

 

“Are you close?” I asked him, my voice little more than a pant.

 

“So fucking close.” He looked at me, a hazy smile on his face. I trailed my hands to his firm ass and gave it a hard squeeze. It felt just as good as it looked, if not better. He groaned deeply, roughly bouncing on my dick now but it felt so fucking incredible. I felt my balls tightening and I squeezed Ty’s ass tighter as I came, moaning his name. He moaned too and then seconds later I felt his hot come spilling over on to my stomach. We were both panting. Ty leant forward and kissed me messily. He rolled down next to me and I stripped off the condom and threw it in the trash. He curled into me, his head on my chest. His wig itched a little but ignored it. I slung my arm around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head.

 

“How was that?” He asked, placing gently kisses on my chest. 

 

“Fucking incredible. I wish you could know what it was like to fuck you.” I chuckled a little.

 

“Hmm it was pretty fucking amazing.” He snuggled closer and I felt like I could stay this way forever. 

 

“And don’t worry, I’m not going to charge you for that.” Ty whispered. 

 

“But what about Nicholas?” I had completely forgotten about all of that until right then when his name slipped out of my mouth. 

 

Suddenly Ty sat bolt upright in the bed, looking at me with a fear in his eyes I’d never seen before.

 

“Where the fuck did you hear that name?”

 

“That’s your boss right? Is he holding you against your will? Tell me the truth Ty.”

 

He got up off the bed, pulling his dress back down to conceal himself. I grabbed my boxers and threw them on, standing up too.

 

“What? Don’t be crazy! I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His words were frantic and his eyes shifted around the room nervously. As if someone could be listening.

 

“It’s ok, you can talk to me.” I came close and put my hands on his shoulders. He pushed me away.

 

“It’s not ok! You can’t go around making accusations like that!”

 

“Please Ty, calm down and talk to me. My friends are cops, they can help.”

 

“No!” He yelled. “No one can help! There is no way out of this!” He was crying, I’d never seen him cry before.

 

“So it’s true then?” I asked softly. Ty sniffed and fell back to the bed putting his head in his hands.

 

“I can’t talk about it.” His words were muffled. I sat next to him and put my arm around him. 

 

“I can help you, I swear.”

 

He sniffed again and looked back at me through watery eyes. His mascara was running, I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

 

“What exactly do you know?”

 

I took a deep breath and I told him everything I had heard Pete and Mark say, from Boston to Chicago, the dead bodies. The items they had on their person and how I knew he had those items too. I even told him Mark’s theory on the underground prostitution ring. Ty just sobbed while I spoke, it was clearly all true. 

 

“Tell me what happened to you Ty.” I took hold of his hand and held it tightly so he knew he was in a safe place. He bit his lip, for a moment I thought he wasn’t going to say anything but then he sighed.

 

“About six months ago I moved here from Ohio. I was so naive and vulnerable that when Nicholas approached me at the bus station and offered to help me I was over the moon. He took me back to this dump of a building and I was introduced to a woman called Alice. She told me I lived there now and that I was going to work for them. When I told them I didn’t want to and tried to leave these two guys, Matt and Logan grabbed me. The next thing I knew I was waking up in this horrible dark, dingy basement on a mattress surrounded by seven other men. I’d been drugged and they…they chipped me.” Ty turned a little and instructed me to unzip the back of his dress. When I had undone just passed his shoulders I saw a scar between the blades. “I can’t run because they track my every move. They make us go out, sometimes like this and go on 'dates’ with closeted men and then we have to have sex with them. If we don’t do what they say we get beaten. If we keep misbehaving…well I think you know what happens then.” He’d stopped crying now but his eyes were still watery. I held his hand tighter.

 

“Does the name Brandon Flowers mean anything to you?” I asked Ty but he shook his head.

 

“No I don’t think so.”

 

“What about Joseph Trohman, or Jolie?”

 

Again Ty shook his head.

 

“We aren’t supposed to use real names, not even with the other guys. I kept my real name in case someone saw a missing poster. I’m not sure if the others guys had the same thought or not though.”

 

I racked my brain, trying to think of any of the other names I’d heard.

 

“What about…fuck was it Gerald? No Gerard maybe?”

 

Ty’s face paled.

 

“Gerard? Yeah I know him. He lives with us.”

 

“My friend Mark got close to him, he found out how to get hold of Same Parts when he was working in Chicago. He met Gerard and tried to push him for answers apparently, but Gerard didn’t give him anything.”

 

“Gerard’s tough, I’m not surprised.”

 

“Have any of them gone missing since you’ve been down there?”

 

“Yes.” Ty but his lip and nodded sadly. “Two days ago Ryan was taken away and then a while back Brendon was. Do you know what he looked like?”

 

“Brendon Urie?”

 

“Maybe, I didn’t know his last name.” Ty’s face looked scared as he clutched the hem of his dress.

 

“He was found dead.”

 

Ty looked down sad, slowly nodding, “do you know if they found Ryan a couple days ago?”

 

“No, sorry. I was too far away to see all the files. But I’m sure if it was a few days ago they will find him soon.”

 

“What am I going to do Josh? I can’t stay there much longer I am literally going out of my mind. These people are psychopaths, when there done with one of us they just replace us. We are human fucking sex slaves.” He buried his head into my shoulder and I wrapped him tightly in my arms trying to soothe him.

 

“It’s ok Ty, I promise you I will get you out of there ok? I swear I will do anything it fucking takes. First thing tomorrow I’m going to speak to Pete and Mark.”

 

“You can’t do that.” Ty sat back up to look at me. “You could get in trouble!”

 

“I don’t care.” I stroked at the mascara trails on his cheeks. “If I have to get in trouble to ensure your safety then it’s worth it.”

 

“Why would you do that for me?” He bit his lip shyly, I’d never seen this side of him. I couldn’t help but smile and I took hold of his face and kissed him softly.

 

“Because…I lied before when I said I was falling for you.” I told him and Ty frowned, his lip quivering. I kissed him again. “I’m not  _falling_ for you; I've  _fallen_ for you. Fuck Ty this is so fucking stupid but…but…I can’t help it.”

 

“I’ve fallen for you too.” Ty sniffed. My heart soared hearing him say that and I kissed him again, harder than before.

 

“That’s why I’m going to do everything I can to get you out of there. I’m going to save you from those people and when I do, you and me are going to start our life together properly ok?”

 

“I’d really like that.” Ty sniffed. “I’ve kept sort of a diary. The next time I see you I’ll bring it to you and you can take it to the police ok?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“But you can’t read it ok?”

 

“Why not?” I teased, squeezing his side. His face stayed serious though.

 

“You just can’t ok? I have one more secret, but I can’t tell you until all of this is over ok?”

 

Another secret? How many secrets could one man keep? I wanted to argue with him, surely telling me one more thing couldn’t hurt but he looked so sad I didn’t want to push him.

 

“Ok.” I stroked his face and kissed him again. “Will you stay a little while longer?”

 

“A little.” Ty nodded. We got comfortable on the bed and he snuggled up on my chest again. I held him tightly, running my fingers over his arm feeling the fabric of his dress. His long nails ran over my torso and it gave me goosebumps; I think that’s why he kept doing it. My eyes started getting heavy. I’d forgotten how nice it was to have someone sleep next to me. I pulled him closer and with my last conscious breath I kissed his head again. Then I fell into a blissful sleep.

————————————

“Fuck! Shit! Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

 

My eyes shot open to see Ty frantically trying to reapply his make-up and adjusting his wig, shouting all kinds of profanities. I blinked a few times, it was morning and I hadn’t shut the curtains last night so the light was spilling into the room.

 

“What’s going on?” I sat up with a small yawn, still on top of the duvet.

 

“I’m not allowed to stay out! Oh fuck they are going to be so mad!” Ty threw his things back in his purse and slipped his heels back on.

 

“It’s ok, don’t panic.” I got up and grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug. I tried to kiss him but he wriggled free. 

 

“I really have to fucking go.” He turned his back on me fleeing the room. I chased him out of the apartment, not even noticing I was still just in my boxers. He took the stairs and I followed.

 

“Ty please! Wait a sec!”

 

We reached the lobby of my building. There was a black SUV parked outside.

 

“Shit is that them?” I started to panic.

 

“Yes! I have to go.” Ty was panicking too. “Look I’ll try and get you that diary but it’s going to be harder now. Josh if something happens to me-“

 

“Don’t say that.” I cut him off. He put his finger to my lips.

 

“If something happens to me, please help the others. If you call up and I’m not there ask for Patrick. I’ll tell him everything and I’ll tell him to get the book to you.”

 

“I’m going to get you out of there.”

 

I saw tears in his eyes again. “I hope so.” Ty sniffed. “If I never see you again Josh, just know that these last few months have helped me survive. I’ll never forget you for that.”

 

A small tear escaped my eye now.

“I’ll see you again. One way or another.”

 

Ty nodded sadly as though he didn’t believe me. He gave me one last soft kiss and then he exited the building. I watched him go, hoping more than anything else in the world that I was going to be able to keep my promise. I hoped to god that I could save him. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

_Logan had been waiting in the SUV outside Josh’s apartment to take me back. I told Patrick the plan in hushed tones as soon as I got back. He knows what he needs to do if this meeting with Nicholas goes the way we all think it will. I can hear the key turning in the lock. If this is the last thing I get to write, please make sure he knows how I felt. If I die I’ve told Patrick to let Josh read this. So Josh- if you are reading this, if I didn’t make it - thank you for trying. I love you, I wish I got a chance to tell you that._

————————————

Matt and Logan were flanked either side of me and I sat in the same office I’d been brought to on my first day except Nicholas was in the chair opposite me and not Alice. 

 

He sat back in his chair and sipped from his glass of water, clearly trying to make me stew. To be honest, it wasn’t working. When you had time to face the fact you were going to die, you kind of accepted it. I wasn’t going to let him see me sweat. 

 

“Where were you last night?” He asked raising an eyebrow at me. 

 

“I fell asleep.” _Sorry 'bout it._ Of course I’d only be that cocky in my head, I didn’t actively wish death on myself. 

 

“You know the rules Tyler.” He told me, I couldn’t gauge his mood. He was speaking so calmly it was a little unnerving.

 

“It was a total accident, I was just so tired. It won’t happen again I swear.” I knew this was pointless, if he was going to kill me I wasn’t going to be able to talk him out of it.

 

“Damn right it won’t happen again.” He leant on the desk now, his eyebrows furrowing. “Where’s my money?”

 

 _Money._ I’d insisted Josh didn’t give me any, I couldn’t expect him to pay for that, not when I felt the way I did about him. I had some money stashed away though, my heroin fund. I would give that up for Josh.

 

“The money’s in my purse downstairs. I’ll go and get it.” I went to stand up but Matt’s strong hand on my shoulder pushed me back down. 

 

“No.” Nicholas shook his head. “Logan will.” He nodded at Logan who took his leave. Nicholas was silent for a while after he left. 

 

Is this what Brendon went through at the end? And Ryan if he had in fact been killed too? So many things were whirring around my head. All the things Josh had told me last night.  _Brandon Flowers. Joseph Trohman. Jolie. Gerard. Boston. Chicago._ This was bigger and scarier than I’d ever thought. How many men had met the same fate I was inevitably going to meet?

 

“Who is this guy you’ve been meeting? He calls a lot.” Nicholas said after a while. I hadn’t expected that.

 

“Uhm he’s just another client.”

 

“Most clients don’t call up as much as he does. At least once a week for the last few months.”

 

“I guess I’m just doing something right.” I shrugged. I was starting to feel nervous now but not for myself; for Josh. Clearly they’d been watching us, they must know who he is. God I hoped he was safe. 

 

“He’s banned. He’s taking too much of your time away from other clients. You’re a very popular boy, Tyler and I’ve had complaints from other clients that want your time. I can’t have complaints, do you understand?” His voice was still so calm I had no idea what was coming. 

 

I swallowed, so I couldn’t see Josh anymore? Hopefully he could see Patrick and he would explain everything. 

 

“Ok.” I croaked, there wasn’t really anything else I could say. 

 

“The only reason you’re not dead in a ditch right now is because you’re one of our biggest earners. But I swear to god Tyler, if you step one more foot out of line I will take great pleasure in slitting your throat.” Still so calm, it made his words scarier.

 

“So you’re not…I’m not…” I’m not going to die today?

 

“No.” Nicholas shrugged. “But consider yourself warned Tyler.” He spun around in the chair so his back was to me. I guessed that meant the conversation was over. 

 

Matt grabbed me roughly by the arm and dragged me back down to the basement. He unlocked the door and shoved me inside. I fell to my hands and knees, it hurt but it was better than death. I heard the door lock behind me and then suddenly all the men were surrounding me.

 

“Oh my god, you’re alive!” Patrick helped me to my feet and hugged me.

 

“What happened?” Gerard asked.

“They didn’t even beat you?” Andy gasped.

“What did he say?” Hayley’s tentative voice spoke.

“No one’s ever met with Nicholas and lived!” Matty gasped too. 

“Hey now guys come on!” Patrick spoke up, leading me to my mattress. 

 

My head was hazy, I was struggling to breathe. I couldn’t believe I was still alive. “Give Tyler some room to breathe you vultures!” Patrick placed me on my mattress and sat down next to me putting his arm around my shoulders.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

I started straight ahead and nodded in a kind of daze.

“What happened? We never thought we’d see you again.”

 

“They gave me a final,  _final_  warning. He said the only reason he was keeping me alive was because I’m a good earner. But I can’t see Josh anymore.” I wanted to cry but my eyes were bone dry. I suppose fear would do that.

 

“Hopefully he’ll ask for me. I’ll explain what’s going on and I’ll give him the diary.” Patrick whispered so the others didn’t hear. There was no point in getting everyone’s hopes up, Josh might not come through.

 

“Thank you.” I suddenly found myself wrapping my arms around Patrick’s neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist.

 

“It’s going to be ok Ty. We’ll work this out. You, me and Josh, we’re going to get us all out of here.” He spoke into my ear but his words weren’t that believable. I wonder if he knew that.

 

“I hope you’re right Patrick. I really hope you’re right.”

————————————

**/// Josh**

I paced the length of my living room, inhaling heavily and exhaling even heavier. Mark and Pete were sat on my couch alternating between staring at me and pulling confused faces at each other.

 

“Josh, what’s going on?” Mark finally asked. They’d been sat there almost half an hour and I hadn’t said a word. I had no idea how I was supposed to explain this to them. How much trouble would I be in? Would they even be able to help? How the fuck did I even begin? 

 

“Yeah Josh, you’re starting to scare me.” Pete added. I took another really deep breath and forced myself to stop pacing. 

 

“I’ve somehow gotten myself into a seriously fucked up situation and I need your guys help to get out of it.” I blurted, it seemed to be a good a place to start as any. 

 

Mark and Pete exchanged a glance before they both looked back at me.

“Right?” Pete raised his eyebrow at me. I sighed.

 

“Look I overheard you guys talking at the station the other day. About the uhm…guy you found dead. Brendon Urie?”

 

Mark and Pete looked at each other again, their eyes wide this time.

“Yeah?” Mark looked back at me, confused and nervous as to what I might say. 

 

“I…well…I might have some information on the…what was it you called it Mark? The underground prostitution ring?”

 

They both stared at me like I’d grown two heads. 

 

“What are you talking about Josh?” Pete asked, his voice riddled with fear. I ran my fingers through my hair and sat down in my arm chair.

 

“Do you remember that woman I told you about ages ago? Taylor?” My voice was shaky. I saw them both thinking and eventually they nodded.

 

“When you were going through your strange  _I’m straight_ phase until you saw that hot guy?” Pete answered for them.

 

“Yeah well, I’d seen what I thought was her number on a card she dropped and I eventually called. I spoke to this guy who said he could arrange a meeting for me. I thought it was her secretary or something so I agreed. But it turned out she was not only a hooker…she also wasn’t a she.” I let my words hang in the air for a second or two while Mark and Pete processed this information. Mark was the first to speak.

 

“You met with a fucking hooker?!” He raised his voice. I bit my lip.

 

“I’ve been meeting with her…him…for months now. We never slept together or anything it was just, I liked the company you know?”

 

“Oh fuck Josh this is bad.” Pete stood up and he started pacing now. “Promise me you didn’t sleep with her. Him.” He shook his head in confusion.

 

“I didn’t. Up until the other night.” I shrank back into the chair ready for the onslaught.

 

“You fucking what?” Pete yelled. “You absolute fucking idiot! Do you know how much trouble you could be in? Oh my fucking god this is bad.”

 

“I didn’t pay him when he had sex though. We’ve fallen for each other! I know it’s still a fucked up situation but that counts for something right?”

 

“Oh my god can you hear yourself right now Dun?”

 

“Wait a second.” Brian stood up now and silenced Pete. “Why did you mention Brendon Urie?”

 

I focused my attention on Mark, the calmer of the two when I spoke.

 

“I heard you talking about him and all those other guys. I heard you mention all the items they had on their possession when their bodies were found. Taylor carries all of those things. I think he’s mixed up in this. I mentioned it to him and he broke down, he told me he’d met a guy called Nicholas at the bus station six months ago and they’d been keeping him locked up and pimping him out. They microchipped him! He can’t get away! I need your help.” I had stood back up now, talking frantically. 

 

Mark and Pete both looked gob smacked, I wasn’t surprised. Hearing myself say it sounded insane. There was a long, stifled silence in my apartment while everyone processed what was going on. 

 

“Oh my fucking god.” Pete shook his head. “This is completely fucking insane you know that right? You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself involved with! These people are murders!”

 

“I didn’t fucking know that Pete! I know I should have stopped seeing him when I found out I was he was a hooker but I just enjoyed his company so much, and after Oliver I was just so lonely-“

 

“Oh for god sake here we go again.” Pete rolled his eyes.

 

“Excuse me?” I spat.

 

“You and Oliver were over a long fucking time ago Josh! Jesus Christ I’m sick of hearing it!”

 

“Fuck you!” I shouted at him, prepared to lunge at him but Mark grabbed me by the shoulders.

 

“What else do you know Josh?” He asked me softly trying to get back on track. I took a few breaths to calm myself.

 

“Not a lot. He said his name was Ty and he was originally from Ohio. There’s a woman he thinks run it but all he knows is her name is Alice. And there’s two guys, like henchmen type…I think he said they were called Matt and…oh fuck…it was something like…Logan maybe?”

 

Mark was stood right in front of me, keeping my gaze on him and not Pete.

 

“That’s good, anything else?” He coaxed me gently. I thought back.

 

“Uhm…there were seven other men when he was first taken there. He doesn’t know if they are all real names. He knows Brendon Urie. There’s one called Patrick I think…and another one he said had just gone missing….Ryan?” Taylor had thrown the information at me all at once it was hard to remember it all. 

 

“And Gerard! The one you told Pete you met with.”

 

Mark’s face suddenly paled and he took a small step backwards.

 

“Gerard?” He muttered under his breath. “He’s still alive.” He sounded relieved. “Is that everything?”

 

“I think so. Taylor said he’d kept a diary, he was going to try and get it to me and I was going to give it to you guys.”

 

“You can’t fucking see him again!” Pete yelled again. 

 

“Pete.” Mark gave him a look. “Josh has to see him again to get that diary. Just one more time though, and you’ll bring the diary straight to us.”

 

“Yeah of course.”

 

“This is fucking insane.” Pete scoffed. “We should be handing him in for fuck sakes!”

 

“Pete, he’s our best friend.” Mark shot him a look.

 

“And we’re fucking cops, in case you’d forgotten!”

 

“Just chill out ok? I know this is fucking crazy but Josh can help us get this guy. We could be on the cusp of taking down Nicholas Leve. Think of all the lives we could help save.” Mark was talking about me as though I wasn’t here anymore. I rolled my eyes and slumped back to the arm chair. “This could be the biggest fucking break of our lives. We’d be heroes! But Josh has to get that diary.”

 

“Please just make sure he’s safe.” I sniffed and that’s when I realised I was crying. Mark spun back to face me and when he saw my tears he ran to my side and put his arm around me.

 

“Oh god Josh, you really care about this guy don’t you?” I could feel Pete glaring at me but I couldn’t help how I felt.

 

“I think I might be in love with him Mark.” I sniffed, nuzzling into his shoulder.

 

“Oh god.” I heard Pete scoff. “He’s a fucking hooker Josh! Do you really think he cares about you?”

 

“He said he did.” I sounded pathetic, like a child.

 

“Because he was trying to get paid! Oh my god are you really this dumb?”

 

“Pete, that’s enough.” Mark scalded him, tightening his hold on me. “Leave Josh alone ok? He’s clearly crazy about his guy and he’s come to us to help get him out of there, when he could have been in serious trouble. And we’re his friends and we’re cops so we’re going to help him. End of discussion.” Mark didn’t raise his voice when he spoke, he didn’t need to. Mark had that sort of power, his words did the talking. 

 

Pete was the one with the short temper that snapped at people. Good cop, bad cop. 

 

“It’s going to be ok Josh, we’re going to help all of those men. Just get that diary ok?” He reminded me. I nodded, pulling out of his hold.

“I’ll do everything I can Mark.”

 

“So will we, Josh.” Mark kissed my head. “That’s a promise.”

————————————

 **/// NYPD Crime Scene Unit** [3rd person]

Detectives Eshleman and Wentz had been punching in a serious amount of overtime since their best friend’s revelation. 

 

Mark was running on the high that came with thinking he could catch Nicholas this time. Pete was fuelled by Mark. He hadn’t meant to lose his temper with Josh, he loved him like a brother. He had just had a hard time comprehending that his straight laced, never gotten a parking ticket before best friend had gotten himself into this mess. 

 

They had to try and work the case without attracting too much attention to themselves; no one could know about Josh’s confession, not until they had the diary and then maybe they could talk their boss into cutting Josh a deal. They had to run with what little evidence they had. 

 

Mark was looking into the evidence found on Brendon Urie’s body while Pete looked over the old case files and tried to determine if there had been any other victims they didn’t know about. 

 

A little over a week after their talk with Josh, Mark stepped into Pete’s office and closed the door behind him. Pete turned away from his computer screen to look up at Mark who was carrying a file.

 

“This case keeps getting weirder and weirder.” Mark fell into the chair on the other side of Pete’s desk.

 

“What have you found?”

 

“Naomi and Alyssa have been trawling through the evidence found on Urie’s body, not a lot has come up. Except they got some prints on some of the condoms he had on him. Some came back to Urie, no surprise there, but we got two other hits from the missing person’s database.” Mark paused and handed a photograph to Pete of a young man with mousey brown hair and large eyes. “This is George Ross, twenty one years old. He went missing from Nevada two years ago and like the others, his card hasn’t been used since he booked a bus ticket to Grand Central.”

 

“Ok, so what’s weird about it?” Pete put the picture on the desk.

 

“That’s not the weird part. The weird part is the second set of prints. Another runaway, this time a Eighteen year old from Ohio. He was last seen about six months ago, and again his last purchase was a bus ticket.” Mark was clutching the second photo to his chest. Pete frowned.

 

“Yeah so…” Pete pushed him.

 

“His name is Tyler Joseph. And we know him.” He spun the photo around and Pete took it. He scrutinised the photograph of the young boy with fluffy brown hair and deep brown eyes. It took him a few minutes before the recognition set it.

 

“That’s the guy Josh hooked up with at Patterns a while back!” Pete looked gob smacked. Mark nodded.

 

“Yeah and I’m going to assume from the fact he’s from Ohio and so is Taylor, and the fact Taylor told Josh his name was Ty…”

 

“That they are one in the same. Taylor is Tyler Joseph.” Pete ran his fingers through his hair. “Do you think Josh knows?”

 

Mark shook his head. “I think Josh would have told us. This is so fucked up.” Mark shook his head. 

 

“You know what this means though?” Pete suddenly stood up from behind his desk. 

 

“What?”

 

“That night at the club, Tyler was with other guys. How much do you want to bet that they are the other hostages?” Pete had a smile playing on his lips and Mark caught on where he was going.

 

“There will be security footage from the club, we might be able to run the others faces through missing persons and find out who they are.”

Mark smiled too.

 

“Exactly.” Pete patted him on the back. “And we might even be able to find out how they got to the club that night and more importantly, where they came from.”

 

“I’ll speak to Serge and tell him what we found.” Mark started to the door, Pete following behind him.

“I’ll head straight over to Patterns and see about getting that footage.”

 

They reached the hallway and turned to each other.

“This could be the biggest lead into Nicholas we’ve ever had.” Mark bit his lip, not wanting to jinx it but he couldn’t help it.

 

“Let’s hope so Mark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH FUCK YEAAAAAA. It gets real intense from here on out so buckle your seatbelt.


	11. You're Mad Thinking You Could Ever Save Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O zamn Zaddies, there's only 2 more chapters after this. Also I ran out of emo band members I wanted to use so there is just some randoms.
> 
> TW- mentions of literally one of the cutest human's death

**/// Tyler**

 

_November 11th_

_I don’t think Josh’s going to save me. It’s been nearly two months since the last time I saw him and I’m starting to think that maybe it was all lies. He hasn’t called for Patrick either. For a while, every time the door was unlocked I held my breath hoping it was going to be the cops but it never was. I kept trying to tell myself that these things take time and without my diary they didn’t really have any information so the chances of me being found were slim. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. It was stupid of me to think that one person could save me. There I go being naive again._

 

_I’ve given up now, all over again. I’d given up once and Josh had given me hope only to shoot me back down. Now I had given up again._

_I’ve been treated even worse since my meeting with Nicholas but I suppose I should just be happy to be alive. I got fed an even smaller amount of food than the others and I always seemed to end up with the creepiest, grossest clients. I was using more, my track marks so thick and dark now I constantly had to have my arms covered when I met with people. No one wants to look at that when they were fucking. I’d somehow lost even more weight, at this point there really isn’t anything left of me. They might not have killed me, but I was probably going to die anyway._

 

_Ryan never came back not that any of us were surprised. We have a new guy who arrived a few weeks ago, he calls himself Andy and he’s a bigger mess than Hayley._

 

_The only time he’d spoken was to tell Patrick his name and he hasn’t said a word to any of us since. I tried to speak to him a few times but he would just stare at me with large, sad eyes. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered to try anymore. I was missing Josh more every day. Had he given up on me? Had he decided it wasn’t worth it? Maybe I didn’t mean as much to him as I thought I had, although that was hard to believe given the way he always looked at me. It was hopeless, Josh wasn’t going to save me, and I feel like an idiot for even believing him in the first place._

————————————

_November 19th_

_Almost three weeks into Andy’s stay he finally spoke to me tonight and now I’m more confused than ever. Myself, the new Andy and Matty had been the only ones not to get called out tonight, Matty was asleep and I was writing in here when Andy came and sat on my bed. He’s a tough looking guy, tatted, piercing eyes and broad with slicked hair. And he possibly held the key to my survival._

————————————

“Hi.” Andy whispered as he sat on my bed. “Tyler isn’t it?”

 

I put my diary down and looked at him. I think that’s the most I’ve heard him say. 

 

“Yeah.” I crossed my legs on my bed and lit a cigarette. 

 

“Well I mean that’s what you tell people.” He briefly looked over at Matty who was snoring away, then back at me. “But you’re Tyler Joseph aren’t you?”

 

My heart skipped a beat and my cigarette fell to the floor as my whole body went limp.

 

“What the hell?” I tried to hide the shock on my face. I didn’t want him to realise that was actually my full name.

 

“It’s ok, I know who you are. You moved here from Ohio about eight months ago right?”

 

“I don’t know where you’re getting this information from.” I scoffed. “My name is not Tyler Joseph and I’m not from Ohio.”

 

“It’s ok, I’m not going to tell anyone.”

 

“Please leave me alone.” I was suddenly really scared. How the hell could this guy possibly know who I was? I felt like I might be sick, what the hell was going on?.

 

“It’s ok Tyler.” He whispered and he put his hand on my leg. “I should probably explain.” He looked over at Matty once more and when he was sure he was definitely asleep he spoke again. “My name is Andrew Hurley and I’m a cop.”

————————————

 **/// NYPD Crime Scene Unit** [3rdperson]

**_Five weeks earlier_ **

“Right what do we know?” Sargent Charles gathered his team in one of the layout rooms. Detectives Eshleman and Wentz who were heading the investigation were at the head of the table, and the rest of the table was surrounded with other members he’d handpicked to work one of the biggest cases in recent years. Criminalists Naomi Adams, Robbie Uster and Alyssa Weders and homicide cops Ben Guyman and Andrew Hurley. 

 

Mark opened a file and put it on the table so the others could see.

“Well after having to wait for a warrant for Pattern’s security footage, trawling through it for days and running the faces through missing persons, we have five out of seven matches.” Mark took the photos from the grainy CCTV footage out of the files and spread them on the table. “We confirmed that this is Tyler Joseph, whose prints were lifted from possessions found on Brendon Urie’s body. This is Matthew Healey, twenty three last seen two years ago in the UK. This Taylor York, twenty three last seen little over a year ago in Nashville. This is George Ross, twenty one last seen in Las Vegas two years ago. And finally this is Andrew Biersack, twenty four last seen about three years ago in Cincinnati. There were two other guys in the club that night but one of them didn’t bring up any hits in missing persons but weand the other we couldn’t get good enough angles on them to run.” Mark told them as the photos got passed around be table. 

 

“We found that they were picked up and dropped off by two black SUV’s from the security footage out the front of the club. We ran the licence plates but they were both stolen, both around three weeks before that night from random parking lots in different parts of the city. My theory is that they probably swap them out every few weeks to go undetected.” Pete spoke opening his own file. “I tried to follow the cars as far as I could through traffic cameras but eventually they went out of sight. I did manage to pull stills of the two drivers and I ran them through the system, in hopes of finding something. I figured if they were involved in something like this, chances were they had priors and were in the system. What I found was strange and unexpected.” Pete handed out the photos of the two drivers. 

 

“Oh yeah?” Sargent Charles raised an eyebrow at Pete. 

 

“Yeah. So I got hits on them, but not in the criminal database. I got hits in missing persons.”

 

His fellow team members all looked up at Pete now in surprise. “They both went missing around twelve years ago, the one with the dreadlocks is Matthew Galligan, and he would be thirty two now. And the other is Lindsey Pierce, who would be thirty one. They both went missing  around twelve years ago within a few days each other, both from Brooklyn actually and both of their last purchases were bus tickets to Boston.”

 

“Did they know each other?” Hurley spoke up.

 

“Yeah according to Galligan’s parents they’ve known each other since they were about thirteen.” Mark told their boss. 

 

“Anything else?” Charles asked now.

 

“I’ve been trawling through hundreds of old unsolved murders to see if I can find any that might match the others and so far I’ve found 27 bodies including the ones Mark already found, all over the last twelve years either in Boston, Chicago or New York. From what I can surmise, Joseph Trohman was indeed the first and Urie is the most recent. All the bodies were men aged between eighteen and twenty six, all runaways from various states, and a couple even from the UK. They all had some of the same possessions on them, make-up, a card with a number on, a key and condoms. They didn’t all have the same items but most of them had at least two or three of them. They all had their throats slit and the ones from Chicago and New York had cuts between their shoulder blades.” Pete told his audience, directing it mostly at Charles. 

 

“So what’s our next move?” Charles asked them the one question they didn’t really have an answer for. Mark and Pete exchanged a look, mentally deciding who was going to field that question. Mark drew the short straw.

 

“Well without this phantom diary we have no way of knowing where the men are being kept or how to find them. The number on Urie’s card had been disconnected, judging by the previous cards we found, they change their number frequently, probably to avoid detection. I really don’t know where we can go from here to be honest Serge.” Mark bit his lip hoping his boss wasn’t going to be mad by that. Charles sighed.

 

“Another dead end.” He ran his hand over his bald head. Just then Mark’s cell phone started ringing. He pulled it from his pocket and check the display.

 

“Its detective Michaels, I better get this.” Mark said as he slid to answer the call before placing the phone to his ear. “Talk to me Chris.”

 

The others in the room held their breath in anticipation. They watched Mark sigh and bite his lip, saying the minimal of  _uh huh_ and  _hmm ok._ “Thanks Chris.” He finally said before hanging up. He looked straight at Charles.

 

“He’s at a crime scene. Unknown male, approximately early to mid-twenties. His throats been slit and he has a cut between his shoulder blades.”

 

The room was silent. They all knew what that meant. Charles closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he opened his eyes again he looked directly at Mark.

“Eshleman get to the scene, take Naomi and Robbie to process and have Hurley escort you. Pete I need to speak to your friend Josh, get hold of him for me and get him down here ASAP.”

 

Pete looked at Mark. They had promised Josh to keep him out of this as much as possible, at the very least keep him out of trouble. They’d had to tell the Serge about Josh’s participation which their boss had obviously been less than thrilled about but had said as long as they get these bastards, Josh wouldn’t be in any trouble. Pete knew he couldn’t argue with Charles though. Mark gave him a small nod and Pete swallowed.

 

“Ok I’ll call him.”

 

“Good. Right everyone else keep working every damn lead you can find. We  _are_ going to get these fuckers, mark my words.” Charles told them and then he fled the room. 

————————————

“Fuck I think I know him.” Mark stood over the body of the man found in a dumpster in an alleyway in downtown Brooklyn. He pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his email app. He found the email Pete had sent him with the stills from the CCTV footage the night at the club. He flicked through the attachments before he found the one he was looking for. He tilted his phone to the side so Hurley could see. They looked from the photo to the body and back again. It was him.

 

“His name is George Ross.” Mark sighed. “This is definitely one of Nicholas’ men.” He pocketed his phone. “Robbie, Naomi I’m going to need a rush on all of the evidence you find. Like so much of a rush I need it yesterday.”

 

“No problem.” Naomi nodded, slipping her latex gloves on and beginning to get to work alongside Robbie. 

 

“Any idea why they cut between the shoulders?” Hurley asked Mark who was staring off into the distance.

 

“No idea.” Mark muttered. 

 

“I bet you have a theory though.” Hurley knew he would. Mark sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“I’ve always assumed they must somehow tag them, so they can keep tabs on them. Otherwise why couldn’t these men just run away? Maybe they were tagged between the shoulders, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a signature that has no relevance to anything. I have no idea anymore. They didn’t have these cuts on the bodies in Boston, so maybe I’m reaching.”

 

“You look tired.” Hurley told him which made Mark chuckle dryly.

 

“I’m fucking exhausted.” He pulled a cigarette out his jacket pocket and lit it. He didn’t usually smoke at work but this situation seemed to warrant it.

 

“Maybe you should get some rest? When was the last time you went home?”

 

Mark couldn’t remember. 

 

“I’m fine.” He said insisted. “Once this son of bitch is behind bars I’ll take a really long vacation.” He didn’t look at the officer as he spoke, he just continued lifelessly sucking on the cigarette and staring into the distance.

 

“That sounds good.” Hurley half smiled. 

 

“Yeah well, until this guy is off the fucking streets, I ain’t going anywhere.”

————————————

**/// Tyler**

“The next thing I know Serge is calling another meeting and saying he wants someone to go under cover. I’m the youngest in the team and I guess he thought I fit the description. I don’t mind though, I wanted to help. I felt useless and now I feel like I can help break this case. I spent weeks spending everyday walking through Grand Central with a suitcase looking like I was lost and hoping Nicholas would pick me up. Of course it’s hard because we don’t know what he looks like. We didn’t think he was going to show but finally he did and he spotted me and now here I am.”

 

I’d sat and listened to Andy’s story in disbelief. It felt like some kind of trap but how would he know all this stuff otherwise? I bit my lip and leant closer to him, only one question on my lips.

 

“Josh’s ok?” My voice was a little shaky. Andy smiled at me.

 

“Yeah he came to the station that day to speak to Charles, I don’t know what they talked about but he left after so I guess he wasn’t in trouble.”

 

“How did he seem? Did he seem ok?” My heart was hammering, I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

 

“I didn’t really get to see him, sorry.”

 

I bit my lip, my thoughts were racing around and around my head.

 

“How do you know my name?” I asked Andy softly. 

 

“You were in missing persons.”

 

“I am?” My parents were looking for me? How could that be? I would have thought they would have been happy to see the back of me. 

 

“Yeah.” Andy chuckled a little at my shock.

 

“Does Josh know who I am?” I swallowed, I wanted to be the one to tell him the truth about my identity. But Andy was shaking his head.

 

“He’s not allowed to know anything about what’s going on. After his…involvement, he’s not even allowed at the precinct unless he’s called in.”

 

I breathed a sigh of relief before lighting another cigarette with my shaky hands.

 

“None of the others can know who I am ok?” Andrew spoke again. “I was told I could tell you because I need your diary. Do you have it?” 

I started nodding frantically.

 

“Yes! It’s under that tile.” I pointed to it.

 

“Ok great, I need to write an address in it and then the Serge has arranged a drop off point for it. They’re going to find us.”

 

I reached down and pulled my diary and pen from under the tile and handed to it Andrew. 

 

“What address do you need to write in it?”

 

He opened it to the last page and looked at me with a smile. “This address.” He said simply.

 

“You know where we are?” I gasped, having to cover my mouth so I didn’t wake Matty up. Andy smiled again.

 

“I’m born and raised in New York.” He told me and then he started scribbling. “They are going to find this diary and they are going to get you and all the others out of here. That’s a promise.”

 

I couldn’t stop myself from throwing my arms around Andrew and my tears immediately started to fall. 

 

“Thank you so much.” I sobbed quietly into his shoulder. He rubbed my back.

 

“It’s ok Tyler. It’s all going to be ok.”

————————————

**/// Officer Andrew Hurley**

I’m not sure I passed as a woman. For starters I’m very broad and tattooed to hell. Secondly, I’ve never worn make-up before. Tyler helped me do my face and picked out the most flattering dress for me from the stuff the Serge had made me bring with me. He helped corset me and gave me lessons in tucking, which is incredibly uncomfortable, and walking in heels, also incredibly uncomfortable. I’d been given costume store wigs which Jason had laughed at before letting me borrow his curly blonde lace front. He didn’t look completely convinced by my appearance but he’d said, ’ _it’s fine, it’s dark. Just stay away from harsh lighting.'_

That had been our routine for some weeks now. None of my 'clients’ had taken me near the drop point by the hotel that Josh had apparently met Taylor in several times. I knew I couldn’t risk sneaking across town to go there either because of the fucking chip. I’m really not sure I knew what I’d signed up for when I agreed to go undercover but this was fucking scary. If I couldn’t drop off this diary I was most likely never going to get out of here. 

I carried it with me every night in the hopes that I would be taken the near the drop site. Every night went the same. Some fucking creep would take me to a bar or to dinner and then back to their place or a random hotel. Once in the room when they started to pounce, my cop came out.

 

“Don’t fucking touch me. I’m Officer Andrew Hurley.”

 

“Show me your badge then.” They would laugh and I would roll my eyes.

 

“I’m undercover you cretin. I don’t have my badge.”

 

They would try and make a move again and I would slam them into the wall and hold my arm to their throats to restrict their breathing.

“If you so much as lay one finger on me I will have your ass arrested so fast your head will spin. Now you are going to tell me everything you know about Same Parts and maybe I won’t turn you in.”

 

Of course they told me, I’m a strong guy and I can be scary when I need to be. The back of Tyler’s diary was now getting filled with names of 'clients’ and their stories of Same Parts although I’m not sure how useful it would be. The address would be the thing that got us rescued. 

 

It took weeks going on like this before I found myself at the hotel near the drop site. On my way out towards the pay phone I snuck in the alley and slid the diary in the dumpster. Now we had to play the waiting game. Hopefully any day now the cops would find it and they would come and find us. Hopefully. Worryingly, I wasn’t so sure it was going to happen. I couldn’t tell Tyler that though. 

————————————

**/// Josh**

It’s been months and Taylor…Ty, is still trapped. I promised I would help him, I promised I would get him out but I haven’t. Pete and Mark keep promising me that they are working on it that every day they are getting closer to finding him and the others. I want to believe them. I want to believe them more than anything else in the world because they are good cops. But I don’t. Every day that passes and Ty is still in danger I lose a little more hope of ever seeing him again. 

 

It’s killing me because Pete and Mark can’t tell me anything. I understand that but it doesn’t stop in driving me crazy. They’ve pretty much cut contact with me because their boss, Sargent Charles had told them I wasn’t allowed anywhere near their investigation after my 'involvement.’ 

 

A couple of months ago I was called to the station so he could talk to me. He made me replay everything I had told Pete and Mark. They weren’t charging me because I had a clean record and because I’d helped them with the case. But I had to stay away. I wasn’t allowed near the station, I wasn’t really allowed to talk to my friends. And most importantly I wasn’t allowed near Taylor.

 

I know it’s bad but that hadn’t stopped me trying. I missed him so much it hurt and also I needed that fucking diary if the police had any chance of finding Ty. But I had called and called but the number had been disconnected. I hoped Ty knew I was still trying somehow. I hope he didn’t think I had given up. If he was even still alive. I didn’t let myself think about that. 

————————————

One night towards the end of November I decided I need to try and take action. The police clearly weren’t getting anywhere fast and each day was vital. It was late when I left my apartment and headed across town to the hotel. Of course I didn’t know if Ty would be there, I just hoped he was because I had to see him. I had to know he was ok. 

 

There was an alleyway that run down the side of the hotel and I hid myself away in the shadows and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. I’d gotten through nearly a whole pack of cigarettes in the time I waited and I was fucking freezing. He wasn’t there. 

 

This routine continued for a week or so. Every night I would stand in that alley way and chain smoke in the hopes that Ty would be in the hotel and I would get to see him when he came out. I got more worried every day that something bad had happened to him. What if I never saw him again? On the ninth night I decided it was the last time. I was trying to hold back my tears as I stood in that alley. Ty was dead, I was never going to see him again. 

 

I stubbed my last cigarette out on the floor, my eyes stinging with unshed tears and as I was about to drag myself back to my apartment and admit to the inevitable I heard heels on the concrete of the street getting closer. My heart skipped a beat as I cautiously poked my head around the side of the alleyway. 

 

Taylor looked like a dream, more perfect than I remembered her looking. As she was about to pass the mouth of the alley I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of sight. She went to scream so I placed my hand over her mouth.

 

“Hey, hey it’s just me.” I whispered. She blinked a few times, her eyes focusing on me. I slowly removed my hand from her mouth.

 

“Oh my god Josh!” Her lips were on mine in no time, kissing me hard and fast like it was the first time all over again. It felt desperate and longing. When she leant back I cupped her delicate face.

 

“My god, you have no idea how good it is to see you. I thought something had happened to you!” I wrapped my arms around her tightly and held her. She played with the back of my hair, I loved it when she did that. 

 

“I’ve missed you so much.” She looked at me and I saw now she had tears rolling down her cheeks. I stroked them away with my thumb. 

 

“I’ve missed you too Tay. I’ve been trying so hard to get you out of there but the police won’t let me near and without the diary I don’t know what we can do. You don’t have it on you do you?” I kept her close to me, needing to feel her. She shook her head.

 

“I thought Andrew dropped it off.” She frowned and I did too.

 

“Daniel?”

 

“They sent an undercover cop in. He took my diary and he was supposed to dropping it somewhere for the cops to find. He said he’d dropped it off a few weeks ago, I thought we’d be found by now.” She sniffed and her bottom lip quivered. I kissed her again softly.

 

“Mark and Pete won’t tell me anything, I’ve barely spoken to them in months. I promise you they’re going to get you out Tay, they are good fucking cops. If anyone’s going to do it, it’ll be them.”

 

“They know who I am. Like who I  _really_  am.” Her eyes were large and sad as she looked at me. It broke my heart seeing her this way.

 

“They do?”

 

“Yeah, apparently my parents listed me as a missing person. I didn’t know they cared.” A faint half smile played on her lips as I wiped away her remaining tears.

 

“Who are you Taylor?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking. She shook her head and stroked my cheek.

 

“Soon Josh, I’ll tell you soon. Just not yet ok?”

 

“Ok.” I whispered feeling my own tears were dangerously close but I didn’t want to cry in front of her now. I wanted to stay strong for her. One of us had to.

 

“The next time I see you, hopefully this will all be over.” She continued stroking my cheek with her long false nails. It made me shiver.

 

“God I hope so. I swear to you when you’re out of there I’m never letting you out of my sight again.” I kissed her again, deeply and passionately, holding her face all the while. When it ended she kissed my cheek.

 

“I have to go, if they find out I met with you…I don’t even want to think about what they might do.”

 

“Of course.” I said a little sadly and kissed her one last time. “Until we meet again, wild flower.”

 

She blushed at my words and smiled sadly.

 

“The thought of you will get me through this.” She whispered and then she was gone. 

————————————

 **/// NYPD Crime Scene Unit** [3rd person]

“Where the fuck is that diary? It’s been almost two month’s god dammit!” Charles yelled, slamming his hands down on the table. 

 

“We’ve been checking the dumpster everyday Serge but it’s not there.” Officer Wentz told him, hoping not to enrage the Sargent further.

 

“That isn’t fucking good enough! One of my officers is out there fuck knows where! This could be a shit storm if the Deputy Inspector catches wind of this!”

 

“We’re doing everything we can Serge, all the families of the men we identified have been contacted and are on route to the city as we speak. Naomi, Robbie and Alyssa are working around the clock to try and get all the evidence from the Ross body processed as well as working the evidence from the old cases.” Pete told him, hoping he wouldn’t get his head bitten off. 

 

“I want that entire fucking alley way scoured. I want footage from the hotel from the last few weeks, I want to see if Hurley has been there. I want this thing shut down, I want my officer back dammit!” He slammed his hands on the table again. They all knew his rage came from guilt. It had been Charles idea to send Hurley in there undercover and if they didn’t get him back then it was going to be on his conscious. 

 

“I’ll head to the hotel.” Pete told Charles and turned to Officer Guyman. “Ben you’re with me.”

 

“I’ve got Joseph’s parents due to arrive any minute so I need to be here when they turn up. I’ll talk to the CSU night shift supervisor and see if he can spare some bodies to process the alley.” Mark added.

 

“Good.” Charles nodded, his voice a little calmer now. “Don’t fuck it up.” He told them all and then he quickly left the room. Pete and Mark exchanged a look. 

 

“I’ve never seen him like his before.” Pete spoke quietly. 

 

“Me either.” Mark agreed.

 

“We have to catch these fucking guys.”

 

“And bring back Hurley.”

 

“And the rest.” Pete sighed and nodding his head for Guyman to follow. He left the room soon after, leaving Mark alone. He was tired, he was confused, but most of all he was determined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH SHIT I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER. It is the most intense thing I've ever written. I see you shiver in Antici-  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> Pation


	12. Time To Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Sorry.
> 
> TW- Gory Descriptions, BLOOD (blood, gallons of that stuff), Violence, Character death

**/// Tyler**

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just sit around and hope and pray someone is going to save us. We’ve somehow edged our way into December now. I’ve been in that hell hole for nine goddamn months and it ends tonight. Even if I die trying, I’m getting out. 

 

My final trick was asleep. Maybe I’d worn him out, or maybe it was the crushed up sleeping pills I’d slipped in his wine, the ones Matty had given me. I didn’t have a lot of time. I had to act now. 

 

I went to his kitchen and found the sharpest knife in the draw and made my way back to the bathroom. I stripped off my top and pulled my compact mirror from my bag. My hand was shaking as I angled the compact with the bathroom mirror above the sink so I could see the scar between my shoulder blades. I stretched my arm over my shoulder, pressing the knife gently to the flesh between my blades. It was a good job I was flexible, maybe they hadn’t counted on that. I bit down hard on my bottom lip so I wouldn’t scream and then without a second thought I plunged the knife into my skin and cut downwards. 

 

I whimpered, tears immediately falling from my eyes as blood poured from the wound. My whole body constricted at the pain and I felt my stomach turn. That chip needed to come out. Once the cut was big enough I dropped the knife to the tiled floor and using one of my extra-long false nails, the ones I’d deliberately put on tonight for this exact task, I dug in the wound. 

 

I screamed this time, thankfully it was muffled where I was biting my lip, I could taste blood from where I’d pierced the skin with my teeth but it was nothing compared to the blood pouring from my back. 

 

I caught the edge of the chip with my nail and desperately tried to free it from beneath my skin. I was crying really heavily at this point, the pain coursing through my body made me feel like I was on fire. My knees buckled a little but I managed to stay up right. Just when the pain was about to become too much I managed to hook the chip with my nail and tear it from under my flesh. I threw it to the floor with another muffled scream. 

 

My hand was covered in blood, as was my back and the floor. I balled up some tissue and ran it under the tap before placing it to my wound. Another surge of pain pulsed through my body and I retched twice before vomiting in the sink. I soaked up as much blood as I could but I really was low on time so I took a couple of band aids from my purse and placed them over the throbbing cut before putting my shirt back on. 

 

I picked up the chip and placed it on a square of tissue on the counter. On another square of tissue I wrote  _if found take to police._ Then as fast as I could, trying desperately to ignore the pain, I ran. I fled the house and fell out onto the street. I had no fucking clue where I was. But I knew where I had to go. I ran out into the road in front of on an oncoming car waving my arms frantically for it for it to stop. They did and I came to the side of the car. The woman driving looked at me in fear, like I might shoot her or something but then she softened when she saw my tears and my blood covered hand.

 

“Oh my god, are you ok?” She asked rolling down the window.

 

“Please I need your help.” I sobbed. “I need a ride, I need to get to the NYPD.”

 

“Ok sweetie, get in.” She still looked a little scared and I couldn’t blame her. I ran around to the passenger side and jumped in, hoping I wasn’t bleeding all over her nice interior.

 

“You have to drive fast.” I told her, fear and pain flooding my body. I pulled my favourite possession from my purse, Taylor Jnr. I held her tight and thought about the night Josh had won her for me. It was a little comforting. “You could be saving my life.”

————————————

 **/// NYPD Crime Scene Unit** [3rd person]

"I promise you we are doing everything in our power to find your son Mr and Mrs Joseph. I have made it my personal mission to make sure all of those men are brought home safely.” Mark told the grieving parents in front of him in his office. Mrs Joseph had cried a lot but Mr Joseph was much more stoic. Both reactions were to be expected, when you’d been in law enforcement as long as Mark, you saw both of those reactions a lot as well as everything in between. 

 

“We really appreciate your help detective.” Mr Joseph told Mark as he took hold of his wife’s hand. Mark didn’t really feel as though he’d been much help at all.

 

“You’re more than welcome. Look I think the best thing to do is for you to go back to your hotel and try and get some rest. The second I have any information you will be my first call, I promise.” Mark got up and rounded his desk, motioning for Mr and Mrs Joseph to follow him to the door. Once he got the door to his office open and was in the corridor, he heard a commotion down the hall.

 

“Would you just listen to me! I don’t have a lot of time! If they realise I’m gone, you have no idea what they’ll do to me!” A male voice was yelling. “I need to speak to detectives Wentz or Eshleman right fucking now, dammit!”

 

Mark’s heart beat raced. He turned back to Mr and Mrs Joseph.

 

“Would you mind just waiting here a moment? I’ll be right back.” He didn’t want them seeing whatever was going on down the hall so he shut them back in his office and marched towards the noise.

 

“Why aren’t you understanding this? They are going to kill me when they find out what I’ve done!”

 

Mark rounded the corner to the reception of the building and saw where the voice was coming from. A small, very skinny woman had make-up streaming down her face as she frantically threw her arms up in the air and yelled at the receptionist. She had blood on her. She also wasn’t a she, Mark could tell. He made his way to their side.

 

“Hi, I’m detective Eshleman, is everything ok?” He put his hand on his shoulder to try and calm him. 

“Detective Eshleman.” The man breathed a sigh of relief. “My name is Tyler Joseph. I know where you can find the others.”

————————————

**/// Officer Andrew Hurley**

I’m starting to worry about Tyler. All the others have come back for the night but he hasn’t. He’s been extra skittish the last few weeks, he keeps saying he needs to get out of here at any cost. I’m scared about what he might have done. What if he’d done something rash? What if they had found him, what if they’d killed him? What if none of us were ever getting out of here? I tried to stop my thoughts, tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid. 

 

I’m sure he was ok and any minute now he would walk through that door. I curled up on the mattress under my ratty blanket and closed my eyes. I’d barely had my eyes shut for a second when I heard the distinctive sound of gun shots above. I sat bolt upright in my bed as did all the other men. They started to panic, some screamed, some cried. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the middle of the room.

 

“Listen to me!” I yelled as loud as I could, trying to get their attention. “Take cover, get as far back from the door as possible!” I instructed them. They didn’t look as though they were listening. “I’m a cop for fuck sakes!” That got their attention. “If you want to live do what I say!” Tentatively they started moving, lying flat on the ground, the ones closet to the door moving backwards. I heard gun shots getting closer. I should have ducked and covered like the rest but my police training kicked in and even though I wasn’t armed I stood my ground. It was probably really fucking dumb. I gave a brief thought to Tyler, I hoped he was ok. 

 

Then there was a loud smash of metal and the door flew open off its hinges. Wentz. Eshleman. Guyman and other cops flooded the room guns in hand. 

 

They ran to various men to check they were OK. Eshleman looked at me and we exchanged a smile. They’d found us. Just as I was about to rush to Taylor, the nearest man to me, when I heard shots fired again. 

 

Guyman went down. The others turned and open fired. Bullets rained down throughout the room, everyone was screaming and trying to hide from the paths of the bullets. The one heading my way seemed to do so in slow motion. I wanted to move, to dive out of the way but I was frozen. I’d never been shot at before. It hit my left shoulder and the force sent me flying backwards to the cold tiled floor. I groaned loudly and instinctively grabbed my shoulder feeling the sticky blood oozing out. 

 

I don’t know what happened after that. The last thing I remember was the sound of gun shots and blood curdling screams. And then everything went dark. 

————————————

I groaned when I opened my eyes, pain flooding my body instantly. I rolled my head to the side, I was in a hospital, I could tell immediately. 

 

Eshleman and Wentz were at the side of my bed. They smiled when they saw I was awake.

 

“Told you he was a fighter.” Pete nudged Mark in the arm.

 

“How you feeling?” Mark asked. 

 

“Like I got shot in the fucking arm.” I chuckled dryly. Pete handed me a cup of water and Mark helped me sit up so I could drink it.

 

“What happened?” I sipped it gratefully, downing it quickly before Pete poured me another.

 

“Joseph got out. He cut the chip from his skin and came to the station. He saw you write down the coded address in the back of the notebook and told me what it said.” Mark filled me in.

 

“I didn’t want to write the actual address in case it got into the wrong hands.”

 

“It did. Almost.” Pete sighed. “When we raided the place, the guy that called himself Matt had it. He said Nicholas had been suspicious of you and had him follow you. He saw you drop the diary and he took it but he didn’t give it to Nicholas.”

 

“No?” I frowned.

 

“No.” Brian shook his head. “Like we’d expected Matthew and Lindsey had been victims too. They’d been pimped out for years until one day Nicholas had promoted them. They figured it was better than having sex with random men so they went along with it. When Matthew found the diary he kept it to bring it to the cops, he’d just been too scared to.”

 

“Is everyone ok?”

 

“Mostly. A bullet grazed Matthew’s leg but he’s fine, Nicholas was hit, he’s in a coma and doctors don’t know if he’ll make it. And Lindsey and Alice are in custody. I don’t know how much trouble Matthew and Lindsey will be in, they were victims really. But Alice will be going away for a long time, so will Nicholas if he wakes up.” Mark looked so relieved. He looked so much younger already, now that the weight was lifted.

 

“What about Guyman?”

 

“He’s been patched up, he’s going to be fine.” Pete smiled.

 

“And the other men?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

 

“Most of them are going to be ok. One of them wasn’t so lucky. He got hit in the chest and there isn’t anything the doctors can do. He’s holding on by a thread.” Pete said sadly.

 

“Fuck.” I bit my lip. “I thought we would save them.”

 

“We did! We’ve saved them from years more torture. We just couldn’t save them all sadly.” Mark sighed. I knew he was beating himself up just like I was. We shouldn’t really though, we’d saved most of them, we’d shut down a human trafficking ring for Christ sake. But sometimes you couldn’t help but focus on the negative.

 

“Anyway we’ll let you get some rest.” Mark gently patted my arm. 

 

“Yeah get better soon aye, Hurley?” Pete smiled. 

 

“Thanks guys.” I nodded and laid back down in the bed. 

————————————

**/// Tyler**

“Knock knock, how’s the patient?” I knew I had tears in my eyes, I could feel them stinging. Patrick sat up a little as best he could as I entered his hospital room. He half smiled at me, his eyes heavy. 

 

“Oh you know, not bad considering I’m going to die.” He shrugged a little. I came close to the bed and held his hand. My first tear escaped.

 

“Don’t say that.” My lip quivered. Patrick shrugged again.

 

“It’s true. Not many people can survive a bullet to the chest, Tyler.”

 

“Oh god Patrick.” I sobbed. My back had been stitched up properly but was still fucking sore. I’d spoken to the cops and to several doctors and they wanted to check me into rehab because apparently I was having heroin withdrawals. That was the least of my worries. 

 

“Hey it’s ok. At least I’m going to die in a hospital and not in some fucking ditch or something where it could take weeks for someone to find my body. I long ago realised this would be the death of me, I’m amazed I survived this long.” His voice was distant and I knew he wasn’t going to last much longer. I squeezed his hand.

 

“I just want you to know how grateful I am to you.” I told him. “Without you, I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did. You made that fucking horrible hell hole almost bearable.”

 

“Go and live your life ok Ty? Try and put all this fucking shit behind you and live your fucking life. Find that guy and never fucking let him go. Be happy. Promise me you’ll be happy?” He used his other hand to reach up and stroke my face. His hand was so cold. 

 

“Of course Patrick. Anything.” I sobbed. I could see I was losing him, little by little he was slipping away.

 

“And tell my parents I’m sorry. Tell them I love them and I’m sorry.” His eyes closed. “I’m going to see Billy.” There was a smile playing on his lips as he whispered. 

 

“Patrick no! Please god, come on! You’re strong Patrick, you can fight this! Please don’t leave! Please god don’t-“ I was cut off by the sound of the heart monitor flat lining. I screamed and buried my head into Patrick’s shoulder and sobbed. I don’t know how long I was there for before a strong set of arms pulled me away from his body. 

 

Detective Eshleman held me while I cried and when I finally stopped he lead me back to my own room and handed me a hot tea which I gratefully took. He sat next to my bed.

“You two were close?” He asked softly. He wasn’t taking notes like the other cops, he wasn’t asking because he had to. I appreciated that.

 

“He was my best friend in that place.” I bit my lip, holding the cup between my hands tightly. “Do you know his name?” I asked, realising I’d never found out. Detective Eshleman nodded.

 

“His name was Patrick Stump and he was twenty three. He was from Glenview, Illinois and he went missing…”

 

“Almost four years ago?” I cut him off. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That’s the only thing he ever told me about himself. It’s dumb right, being this upset? I didn’t even really know him.” I sniffed and held the cup tighter. 

 

“It’s not dumb at all.” Detective Eshleman stood back up and placed his hand on my arm. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you all went through down there but if forming a bond with someone was the only way to get through it, that’s not dumb at all.”

 

“Is your cop friend ok?” I changed the subject, not wanting to cry again. Detective Eshleman smiled a little and nodded.

 

“He will be.”

 

“Good.” I sniffed again. I took a small sip of the tea before exhaling heavily. “You’re one of Josh’s friends aren’t you? I recognise you from that night at Patterns.”

 

“Yeah, I’m Mark.”

 

“Where is Josh? I need to see him Mark.” I put the cup down and grabbed his hand. 

 

“He hasn’t spoken to anyone for weeks. He won’t answer our calls. Pete and I even let ourselves in his apartment one night with Pete’s spare key but he went crazy at us. He started screaming for us to leave, throwing things at us. He’s in a really bad spot.”

 

“Why?” I saw Mark swallow.

 

“He thinks you’re dead.” He whispered. 

 

“I need to see him Mark.” I held his hand tighter hoping he would see how desperate I was.

 

“You can’t leave the hospital Tyler. You’re malnourished, you have injuries and when those heroin withdrawals really start to kick in, you’re going to wish you were dead. You need to be here, where they can keep an eye on you.”

 

“Please Mark! I need to see him! You can take me and then we’ll come straight back I swear!” I begged him, clutching tightly at his hand. I think he knew even if he said no I would find a way to get to Josh. But he also knew I’d be safer with him. “My parents are taking me back to Columbus in a few days and they’re checking me into rehab down there. But I have to see him Mark, please help me?”

He sighed and used his free hand to run through his hair.

 

“Fine, but only because he’s my best friend and seeing you right now is probably the only thing that’s going to cheer him up. Let me have a word with your doctor.”

I started crying now, but these were tears of happiness. 

 

“Thank you so much Mark.” I sobbed, letting go of his hand. He smiled at me. I was going to be reunited with the only man I’d ever loved, I felt completely overwhelmed.

————————————

**/// Josh**

My apartment was littered with empty liquor bottles. My eyes had long ago dried up. I hadn’t been to work in weeks, fuck I don’t think I’ve even showered in weeks. I only left the couch to get more booze or to use the toilet. Ty was dead, I was sure of it. And suddenly, my life had no purpose anymore. I’d failed him. I told him I’d save him, I'd  _promised_ him I would. But I’d failed. And it seemed like there was nothing left to do but drink. 

 

There was a knock on my door and I rolled my tired eyes. No doubt it would be Mark and Pete who’d let themselves into my building yet again. I made a mental note to take that fucking key away from Pete.

“Fuck off.” I croaked. “I told you I don’t want to see anyone!”

The knock came again.

“Get the fucking picture! I want to be left alone! And don’t you fucking dare let yourselves in.”

There was another knock. I groaned loudly but I didn’t say anything this time. It came three more times. 

“Fucking assholes.” I groaned as I forced myself off the couch. I made my way to the door ready to give my two jackass best friends a piece of my goddamn mind. I threw open the door.

 

“What don’t you understand about-“ I froze. Not Mark. Not Pete. It was probably just about the last person I ever expected to see at my front door.

 

“Tyler?” I frowned looking at the man stood in my hallway. A man I hadn’t seen in more months than I could count. I took in his appearance, he’d been crying and he looked practically skeletal. The hair I remembered running my fingers through that night was a lot more lifeless than I remembered and his eyes were so, so sad. And that’s when it clicked. 

 

The last big secret, the one Taylor couldn’t tell me until it was all over. He’d called himself Ty. He was holding a small red bear in his hand. Fuck how had I missed this?

 

“Taylor?” I spoke again and he bit his lip and nodded stiffly.

 

“Yeah, it’s me Josh.” A small tear rolled down his cheek. My heart was beating so hard I could barely hear him. How could he have kept this from me? He’d basically been lying right to my face all this time. I didn’t know what to think or feel. That night with Tyler had been incredible, I’d felt things for him I’d never felt that quickly. To be honest, I still thought about him from time to time and this whole time it had been Taylor? It had been staring me in the face and I’d had no idea.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I backed away from him a little, my head spinning. 

 

“Because I couldn’t! I wasn’t even supposed to leave the club that night, I could have been in so much trouble but I didn’t care because I wanted you so badly. But when you called for Taylor I knew I couldn’t tell you. We aren’t supposed to tell anyone anything about ourselves. I was so scared. I hoped you’d figure it out yourself but you didn’t and the longer it went on the more scared I was to tell you because I didn’t know how you’d react.” A few more tears were rolling down his cheeks now. 

 

“You lied to me.”

 

“No, not technically. If you’d guessed I would have told you. But I never really lied, I just…evaded the truth I guess.” He hung his head.

 

“Evaded the truth?” I surprised myself when I raised my voice. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You as good as lied to me!”

 

“I’m so sorry.” Tyler stepped closer to me, more tears falling from his eyes. “But do you not understand why I had to do it? The people that did this to me are scary Josh, really fucking scary. I didn’t want to risk them finding out, I was scared of what they would do to me, or what they might do to you for that matter.”

 

“That’s a cop out and we both know it.” I scoffed. “I told you about that night with Tyler, I told you how much it meant to me and you just sat there pretending to be someone else! You should have been honest with me Taylor! Fuck, Tyler not Taylor. Fucking hell this is so confusing.” I shook my head turning my back on him.

 

“Josh please, I never wanted to lie to you; that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

 

“Was this just all some kind of game to you?” I spun back around to look at him and he frowned.

 

“A game?” He sniffed.

 

“Yeah. Was I just a fucking game? Did you ever actually care? I feel like I was just some kind of fucking idiot that you strung along for some easy money.”

 

“How can you say that?” Tyler clenched his jaw. “How dare you!” He raised his voice now too. “You really think that? You really think I would use you like that? You were the only fucking thing that kept me going in that hell hole! I risked everything to get out of there so I could be with you! I begged detective Eshleman to sneak me out of the hospital so I could see you. You were the  _only_ person I wanted to see. You are the only person that’s ever meant anything to me!”

 

“Then how could you lie to me?” I yelled at him and I actually saw him flinch. “If all of that was true you couldn’t have lied to me. How can you not understand how much that hurts Tay-Tyler?” That was going to take some getting used to.

 

“And how can you not understand why I had to lie? Do you know what Josh, I’m starting to think you aren’t the man I thought you were. Patrick died because of what I did! I sent the police into that fucking place and he died! If I’d known you were going to be like this I wouldn’t have bothered! I would have stayed in that fucking place because this, standing here right now and having you break my heart like this, this hurts more than anything they ever did to me.”

 

“This is a fucking mess!” I yelled again. “I never meant for this to happen. Who the fuck falls for a hooker?”

 

“Don’t call me that.” Tyler grit his teeth angrily.

 

“Why not. It’s what you are, isn’t it?” I shrugged and I saw the anger wash over him.

 

“A hooker makes it sound like I  _chose_ this life. I was forced into this Josh, I was a fucking slave!”

 

“Didn’t stop you wanting to get into my pants all the time did it? If you hated it so fucking much, why were you always so desperate for more?” I didn’t mean to say that. That wasn’t supposed to come out. I saw his nostrils flare and then more tears started to fall heavily down his delicate face.

 

“Fuck you Josh, I wish I’d never met you.” He turned his back on me and started towards the door. I didn’t blame him. What a stupid fucking thing to say.

 

“Tay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that!” I grabbed his wrist and stopped him reaching the door.

 

“Never call me that again! I never want to hear that fucking name again!” He sobbed, yanking his arm out of my grasp. 

 

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “Tyler. I meant Tyler. I’m sorry I lost my temper, I’m sorry I said those things. It was just a surprise is all, I never thought I’d see you again. Either of you.”

 

“Well, now you won’t.” Tyler shrugged and turned back to the door. I instinctively grabbed him in my arms, spinning him back around. I pushed his back against the door and I kissed him hard. To my surprise he kissed me back, I could taste his tears. The bear he’d still be holding dropped to the floor and he wrapped his arms around me deepening the kiss. I knew that first time Taylor kissed me that there was something familiar about it, and now I knew why. I must be an idiot. I picked Tyler up in my arms and he wrapped his legs around me as I carried him towards the bedroom, our lips not leaving each other’s for a second. I didn’t miss the lipstick. 

 

I gently laid him down on the bed, I wanted to be so careful with this precious creature, as though he was made of porcelain. I climbed on top of him and stripped off my t-shirt. He smiled, although his eyes were still a little sad. I couldn’t imagine what he’d been through. I’ll ask him about it but right now I’m too desperate and I think he is too. 

 

He ran his fingers over my torso, it felt so much better without those false nails; they were now the bitten down stubs I remembered from the first night I met Taylor. I helped him unbutton his shirt and strip it off, his track marks were worse than I remembered but now I understood why he was on the stuff; it was probably his only way of coping. I’d never noticed them when he was Taylor, maybe he’d done that deliberately. 

 

“Josh.” He panted a little, reaching to stroke my cheek. “Please make me feel good. God I need to feel good.” He sniffed and a small tear rolled down his face. I stroked it away and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. 

 

“I’m going to take such good care of you Tyler, I promise.”

 

We made love, Tyler was patient with me as I’d only ever topped twice but god it was quickly becoming my favourite thing in the world. I was slow and gentle with him, asking him every few minutes if he was ok and he kept insisting he was. He cried afterwards and I held him tightly in my arms. I stroked his hair back off his face and kissed him every so often so he knew I was here for him. We showered together, I washed his hair for him, then his body. I took extra care of the fresh stitches on his back. We sat on the couch, Tyler staring at the wall. I put my arm around his shoulders.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I cooed, fluffing his damp hair.

 

“Not really.” He croaked. “I just want to forget.”

 

“Ok.” I kissed his head. He sounded broken. 

 

“My parents are taking me back to Columbus.” He looked at me through large sad eyes. My heart plummeted.

 

“Ohio.” I choked on the word. No, they couldn’t. I’d just found him again, they couldn’t take him away from me.

 

“I can’t stay in New York, not after what happened to me. It’s just full of terrible memories. The doctors say I need to go to rehab too, you know for the heroin thing.” He pulled his legs to his chest and rested his chin on his knees.

'I don’t want you to go.’ I knew it was such a selfish thing for me to say but it was true. I couldn’t lose him again.

 

“Come with me.” There was a small glimmer of hope in his eyes. I didn’t want to crush that.

 

“Uhm…I could do…I mean I guess I can but…”

 

“But.” Tyler scoffed pulling away from my hold. “But I don’t mean that much to you.” He sniffed hard, clearly trying not cry.

 

“Are you kidding me? You mean everything to me!” I tried to grab him again but he stood up now out of reach.

 

“Clearly not.” His bottom lip quivered.

 

“Tyler please god don’t say that.” I stood too and grabbed his hands and this time he let me. “Tyler I’ll come with you to Ohio ok? It’s just that…” I couldn’t believe I was saying this. “I thought I was ready to come out, I really fucking did. But the more I’ve thought about it the more I’ve realised that I’m just not ready. Columbus is also where I’m from, so my parents will be there too. So I’ll come with you, but-“

 

“But you want us to be a secret?” Another small tear rolled down his cheek as he snatched his hands away. 

 

“Just for a while. I’ll get there eventually, I’m just not there yet.”

 

Tyler was shaking his head.

“No.” he bit his lip. “I’m not being a fucking secret.”

 

“Tyler, it’s not that I don’t want to come out, just please don’t push me before I’m ready.”

 

“This is so fucking dumb, I shouldn’t have even come here! The only thing that kept me going in that hell hole was the thought of being with you when I got out! You promised me Josh, you promised when I got out we could be together!” Tyler raised his voice.

 

“And we can!”

 

“Behind closed doors where no one can see us.”

 

I bit my lip and shrugged. “Yeah.”

 

“No, no way!” Tyler was crying but he didn’t seem to notice, he was too busy yelling. “You can either have me and be out or lose me for good.” He folded his arms over his chest.

 

“Oh come on Tyler, don’t be like this it isn’t fair!”

 

“I’m not being fair?” He shouted loudly. “Fuck you! You selfish fucking asshole!”

 

“Tyler, Jesus you sound just like-“ I stopped myself when I realised what I was going to say. But Tyler clearly realised too.

 

“Your ex.” He spat. “That’s what you were going to say wasn’t it? That I sound like your ex.” He laughed dryly and it made me feel uncomfortable. “You know what, I felt sorry for you when you cried on my shoulder about him but the truth is, I don’t blame him for leaving you! You can’t expect a proud gay man to want to go back in the fucking closet! The whole reason I moved to New York, the whole fucking reason I ended up in that situation is because I _refused_ to hide who I was anymore. I’m not going back to those days of hiding away, and you shouldn’t expect me to.” His voice was lower now, sadder. Why could I not do this one thing for him? I loved him, I loved him so much but I couldn’t help that I wasn’t ready. Apparently I would happily lose everything and everyone I cared about if it meant keeping my secret.

 

“I’m sorry Tyler, but I’m just not there yet.” My own tears started to fall now, because I knew I was going to lose him.

 

“Then I have to go.” He told me sadly. He headed towards the door but I ran after him and grabbed his wrist.

 

“Please Tyler, we can work something out? It’s not going to be this way forever, I swear.”

 

“It will though won’t it? You say it won’t be forever but you told your ex that too. The truth is you would rather be alone than be proud of who you are. And I think that’s really fucking sad.” He snatched his arm back from my hold, grabbed the bear from the floor and turned to leave again. I fell to the floor sobbing.

 

“I love you.” I called after him. He opened the door and turned back to look at me.

 

“No Josh, you don’t.” He sniffed. “Because if you loved me, you couldn’t do this to me.”

 

The next thing I heard was the door slamming behind him and then I felt the ache of my heart shattering into a million pieces. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me and dance on my grave


	13. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You all honestly so much. It means so much that most of you have stuck with it all the way through, despite the ups and downs of this wild ass story, and trusting me to do what I thought best in the end. It honestly means so much. I have so many new fics planed in the future that I hope you are just as excited for as me. (Maybe or maybe not a sequel to this is also planned ;) Thanks again and I hope you enjoy this last chapter. Love You All♥︎

**/// Tyler**

For the past few days I’ve alternated between crying and staring blankly at the four walls of my hospital room. I didn’t understand how Josh could do this to me. He’d been the light at the end of my tunnel, my ray of hope and he’d crushed all of that. He was the only person I’d ever opened up to, the only man that had ever managed to break down my walls and make me fall. Never again. I was going back to Columbus tomorrow and I was going to forget about him. That was probably easier said than done.

 

My parents spent every waking minute at the hospital. They blamed themselves for all of this I could tell. We had a long way to go in rebuilding our relationship but I’m sure we’ll get there. They keep telling me how sorry they are for making me feel as though I had no other option than to run away. They told me they don’t care if I’m gay, they just want me to be happy. I’m not sure if it’s the truth or just the guilt talking but honestly this is the closest I’ve ever felt to them.

 

Detective Eshleman came by once and when he’d mentioned Josh I burst into tears and he left soon after. My parents had finally given me some peace and gone to the canteen when there was a gentle tap on my door. I sighed, I wanted to be left alone. The door opened slowly and tentatively my company walked in. He had a soft smile on his lips as he came over to my bedside.

 

“Gerard.” I smiled a little. 

“I see we had the same idea of keeping our names.” He chuckled lightly and placed his hand on top of mine.

 

I nodded with a smile and he reciprocated the move but then he sighed. “I hear you’re going back to Columbus?” 

 

“Yeah tomorrow actually. I honestly can’t wait to get into fucking rehab, these withdrawals are the worst. If I’m not shaking and sweating I’m puking my guts up.” I shook my head, it was my own fault for using that stuff in the first place. “What about you? Are your parents here?' 

Gerard bit his lip and shook his head sadly.

 

“No, they’re not here. I’m a foster kid, I didn’t expect anyone to be here. But I did kind of think that after being missing for seven years someone might have filed a missing person’s report. But apparently not.” He sniffed trying to force a smile.

“Where will you go?” My heart broke for him. 

“Taylor, invited me back to Nashville with his family. Although it’ll be hard to still be around someone I knew down there, I think maybe it’s good for us to stick together. I just…I can’t be on my own you know? And Taylor knows what I’m going through so, yeah I’m going to Nashville.” Gerard squeezed my hand tightly. I bit my lip.

 

“That’s nice, I don’t think I could do that. To be honest just looking at you now is making me feel like I could still be in that basement.”

 

“I understand. I just came to say goodbye.” Gerard wrapped his arms around me and I leant forward in the bed to embrace him.

 

“It was really nice to have known you Gerard, I just wish we could have gotten to know each other under different circumstances.” I spoke into his shoulder.

 

“Me too.” The hug broke and he smiled sadly at me. “You’re going to be ok Tyler, please don’t let this ruin you.”

 

“I’ll try.” I sniffed back my tears. 

 

“Sorry are we interrupting?” Just then a man and a woman stepped into my room. Somehow I already knew who they were.

 

“No I was just leaving.” Gerard looked from the couple in the doorway back to me. He touched my cheek briefly. “Have a good life.” He sniffed again and head towards the door.

 

“Goodbye Gerard.” I called after him. He turned back to me with a sad smile.

 

“Goodbye Tyler.”

 

Once Gerard was gone I turned my attention to the couple.

 

“Are you Tyler?” The woman asked me and I nodded.

 

“You’re Patrick’s parents.” I don’t know how I knew, it was just an instinct. They didn’t even necessarily look like him. I just knew. They both nodded.

 

“Detective Eshleman said you wanted to talk to us?” The man spoke now, taking hold of his wife’s hand. I bit my lip and nodded.

 

“I just wanted you to know what an amazing man your son was.” I felt tears stinging my eyes. “Even in that horrible situation he was always the person everyone turned to in their darkest moments. He was the first person to treat me like a human being when I found myself down there. He was the first friend I made. He gave me a shoulder to cry on, he made me laugh when I needed it the most. Your son was one of the strongest people I’ve met. He was strong right up until the very end.” I was crying now, as was Patrick’s mom. She used her free hand to hold mine. I saw Patrick’s dad squeeze her hand tighter. 

 

“I’m so glad you were with him. He was lucky to have met you.” She told me, sniffing heavily. 

 

“No, I was the lucky one” I half-smiled through my tears. “He wanted me to tell you that he was sorry and that he loved you both very much. I wish I could have gone back for him.” I hung my head. I’d made a promise to myself that I would go back for Patrick and I’d broken that promise. I wish I’d taken him with me, we could have gone to the cops together and maybe he would still be alive. There was a strong hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see Patrick’s father smiling at me, tears behind his eyes.

 

“Don’t blame yourself kiddo. You helped get all of those other men out of there. You should be damn proud of yourself.” His words didn’t help, I still felt like shit. But I appreciated his efforts.

 

“Thank you.” I whispered.

“We’re going to have his body sent back to Glenview for the funeral. We’d love it if you could come. I think Patrick would have wanted you there.” His mom spoke softly. I didn’t want to deny these people anything seeing as they’d just lost their son but I couldn’t do what she was asking of me.

 

“I think he would want me there, but I also think Patrick would understand why I can’t be there.” I took a few deep breaths to try and stop these tears. I’d cried way too much recently. “I need to try and put all of this in my past and that means not having any more contact with people who remind of what happened. Do you understand?” I directed my question at Patrick’s mom. She half-smiled and bowed down to kiss my head.

 

“Of course I understand.” She whispered.

 

“Come on darling, let’s let the poor man rest.” Patrick’s dad tugged on her hand.

 

“It was lovely meeting you Tyler, get better soon.”

 

“You too Mr and Mrs Stump. I’m so, so sorry about Patrick.” I laid my head back on the pillow as the couple left the room. I thought getting out of that basement would be the best thing to ever happen to me. But when I was locked up, I had Josh and Patrick was still alive. What had I done? 

————————————

Standing at the airport the following day made me feel a little sick. The last time I’d been at JFK was just hours before Nicholas had taken me. It all came flooding back and my knees went a little weak. My mom put her arm around me and stroked back my hair.

 

“Its ok sweetie, I’m here. We’ll be home sooner than you know it. Everything’s going to be ok.” She cooed kissing my cheek. I wish I could believe her. I don’t think my mom would ever intentionally lie to me but it felt like it in that moment. 

 

Nine months after I arrived in New York here I was leaving again. I’d never gotten to see the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. I’d never been to Coney Island. I never saw Times Square or got a ferry out to Staten Island. I’d been locked in a basement. I’d come close to death. And the worst part, I’d let myself fall for someone for the first time in my life only to have my heart broken. New York was not the place for me. Maybe one day I would find somewhere that was. 

————————————

**/// Josh**

I was back on the couch surrounded by my empty liquor bottles when the key turned in the lock. It felt like we’d come full circle, it was like after my break up with Oliver all over again.

 

Mark entered followed closely by Pete. They didn’t say a word as they came over and sat either side of me. Mark put his hand on my knee.

 

“What happened with Tyler?” He asked softly. “I saw him at the hospital and when I mentioned your name he burst into tears and started swearing a lot.”

 

I stared straight ahead at the wall. What was the point in trying to explain? They wouldn’t get it.

 

“I bet I know what happened.” Pete spoke but it wasn’t his angry tone I had expected from him. “After everything you still can’t come out.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Pete wasn’t the comforting type which made this so weird. But I just went with it.

 

“No.” I buried my head into Pete’s shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong me? I love him for fuck sakes and he wanted me to come to Columbus with him, I want to start my life with him! But fuck I still can’t bring myself to come out. I’m such a fucking idiot, I’m never going to find someone if I can’t admit that I’m gay. I thought I could do it this time, I thought Tyler was going to be the one that changed me. But I’m still just a useless fuck up. He’s probably better off without me.”

 

Pete stroked my back while Mark squeezed my knee. I sat back up.

“We found his diary.” Mark told me, reaching into his bag and pulling it out. “I shouldn’t be doing this but…I think there’s some stuff in here you need to read.”

 

My hand was shaking as I reached out and touched the dirty, weathered cover. Mark motioned for me to take it.

 

“We just came by to give you that and make sure you’re alright. We’ve got to get back to work, you wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork that needs doing.” Pete squeezed my shoulder as I took the diary from Mark. They both stood simultaneously. 

 

“Call us if you need anything ok?” Mark told me and I nodded, clutching the diary to my chest. 

 

Once they left I curled myself up on the couch and ran my fingers over the cover again, before taking a deep breath and opened it. 

————————————

_When I stepped off that Greyhound bus, I inhaled deeply, breathing in my new surroundings. It honestly felt like the first time I’d breathed properly in my entire life. My first unstifled breath. I was so full of hope, excitement pulsed through my veins. I’d made it. New York City; my new home. I had one suitcase stuffed with my belongings, a few hundred dollars in my bank account that I’d saved from the hours upon hours of babysitting. I was wide eyed in awe as I walked through the Grand Central bus station that day._

_I was so excited to be away from my home, with nobody knowing my name or who I was. My parents couldn’t hold me back anymore, I was free. Home was hell with obvious disappointment from my parents and relentless taunting from my peers. I was so close to my dream, I could taste it. The shining lights, the cheering crowd, the voices singing along to all the words._

 

_I shouldn’t have been so naive, when I bumped into that tall, big nosed man at Grand Central I should have apologised and been on my way. I shouldn’t have let him help pick up my belongings that had fallen out of my suitcase. I should have walked away when he handed me back my beautiful leather skin notebook that I took from him with shaking hands. I wish I hadn’t engaged him when we stood back up and he spoke to me._

_"You look a little lost."_

_I wish I’d just smiled and said I was fine and left._

 

_When he reached out to shake my hand, introducing himself with a large smile as Nicholas, I shouldn’t have told him my name. And when he said "I can help you" that definitely should have been my cue to leave._ **_But I didn’t._ **

_I shouldn’t have followed him into his car and I certainly shouldn’t have told him about my budding music career, how I’d come to New York to be a star. If I’d just walked away I might not be here now. I wouldn’t have found myself in this dark, dingy basement surrounded by several other men who at one time had been just as dumb and naive as me. We had all trusted Nicholas. We had all just wanted to believe there was some kindness in the world. But I don’t believe there is or ever was and I bet none of these other men do either._

_So if no one comes for me, if I’m never found; this is my story. This is the story of how a young, innocent Ohio teenager ended up here. If you’re reading this, I didn’t make it. If you’ve found this then the man with the deep cocoa eyes, nose ring and colourful full sleeve tattoo broke his promise. He didn’t save me. I’m gone. But hopefully this will help find who did this to me, and make sure they can never do it to anyone ever again. My name is Tyler Joseph, and this is my story._

_————————————_

_March 17th_

_I’m pretty sure I’m going to die here._

————————————

_Before I could really comprehend the situation Patrick was on his knees in front of me, his hands on the button of my denim short-shorts as he started unzipping, pulling down my hips, to my knees, revelling my undies. Bob hissed, I tried not to look at him. I tried not to look at Patrick either. Patrick made me shift a little so he could pull my panties down to my knees and instructed me to pull down my briefs. Did I have to? What if I said no? I knew no wasn’t an option._

————————————

_March 25th_

_I laid on my back and I thought about the man from the bathroom. He had been incredibly attractive, if my client had looked like that I might not have minded letting him fuck me all night. He had kind, mocha eyes that I swear I saw sparkle when he looked at me, probably because he thought I was a woman. His hair was blue and shaved at the sides and I wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through it. He had a nose ring and stupidly colourful tattoos that ran up his entire arm. He looked sweet and a part of me had wanted to fall into his arms just to see what it would feel like to have them wrapped around me and to lean on his chest. If he’d known the truth about me, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so nice to me. I closed my eyes and pictured his face. His smile had made me feel a little weak at the knees._

————————————

_May 24th_

_I haven’t written in here much recently because it feels so pointless. My life has been spiralling out of control the past few months and I completely understand why all of these men have given up. Because I have too. There’s no way out this, this is just my fucking life now. For a while, I somehow expected someone to storm in here and save us all but obviously that was never going to happen._

————————————

_I was the last one back that night and clearly I must have looked shaken because Patrick who was in the middle of shooting up, removed the elastic from his arm and came over to my bed. He sat next to me and held the syringe out with a shrug. And I didn’t think twice. I let him tie the elastic to my arm and I also let him inject me. The heroin was one of the most incredible feelings I’ve ever experienced. It made me feel numb and I needed that more than anything. So now I buy my own and do it almost as much as Patrick does._

_I’ve found another coping mechanism too; cutting. I don’t know what made me do it the first time but one night when everyone was asleep and the heroin wasn’t doing its usual job I found one of my old razors and pulled the plastic off to reveal the sharp insides. I sat on my mattress and cut a few times into my upper thigh. Blood pooled on my bed but I didn’t care. It felt, even if only momentarily, better._

————————————

_May 29th_

_I haven’t seen the light of day in over two months. We only got let out under the cover of darkness. I’ve always been a night owl but fuck, I miss the feeling of the sun on my skin. I feel weaker every day. My legs shake every time I stand up; my arms tremble every time I lift something. Every time we leave this room I try to work out where exactly we are but of course it’s always dark and even if it wasn’t, I don’t know New York._

————————————

Each entry was getting harder to read. I could hear Tyler’s voice in my head reading the words to me. Each page tore my heart apart more and more.

————————————

_I still think about the guy from the bathroom in that bar all the time. I always tried to picture his beautiful face whenever I was getting fucked._

————————————

_June 2nd_

_So thinking it would be Matt or Logan I slowly turned around only to come face to face with the guy with the nose ring and tattoos from that bar a few months back. I recognised him instantly and I wondered momentarily if I could possibly still be in drag and he was coming over because he recognised me but I wasn’t and he didn’t. I went to speak, I’m not sure what I was going to say, something sassy like, 'can I help you?’ But he was suddenly grabbing my face and kissing me and there was no way I was going to stop him. I simply threw my arms around his neck and pulled him closer._

 

_I wished we could have met under different circumstances because if I wasn’t what I was and in the situation I was in, you better believe I would never have left him. I would have stayed there with him forever if I could. I promised him I wouldn’t forget him and I wouldn’t. Not ever. A part of me thought about getting a fucking knife and cutting that microchip out of my skin and smashing it into a million pieces if it meant I could stay here with Josh forever. There was something about Josh that made me feel safe, probably for the first time in my entire life. I felt instantly relaxed around him which didn’t happen to me a lot, not these days anyway. That very short time I got to lay in his arms, I felt as though all was right with the world. But maybe it was best this way. Maybe if we saw each other again it would only ruin things. This way we both had a perfect memory of each other to keep forever._

————————————

I remembered that night as if it were yesterday. My tears were falling now, little droplets pooled on the pages.

————————————

_June 17th_

_Tonight was a weird fucking night. I never expected to see Josh again. I’d never expected to see him again after the night I ran into him in the bathroom when I was Taylor, let alone after I then slept with him as Tyler. I certainly didn’t expect him to be my next trick. But god it was so good to see him again, those damn eyes of his had had me hooked from the moment I saw them. When I got back to the basement tonight I was actually humming to myself; I don’t remember the last time I did that. It was my birthday a few days ago, I’d turned eighteen and I had never been more depressed. But Josh had somehow made that better. The thing was, I’d never met anyone like Josh. He was so sweet and innocent and of course absolutely fucking gorgeous. He made me feel things I’d never felt before and if things were different I would have no trouble falling for him. But of course there was no way for us to be together. I just hoped he called again, just so I could see him even if it was just one last time…_

_…And then I winked at him, blew him a kiss and left. It was true, I never thought I could be tamed. Even before I ended up in this horrible situation. Even back in Columbus, back when I used to have a life. I never thought there was a man alive that could tame Tyler Joseph. But I knew now that if anyone was up to the challenge, if there was ever a man who could tame me, his name was Joshua and he had deep mocha eyes and a stupid colourful tatto._

————————————

He’d been writing about me. If things had been different he would have no trouble falling for me. 

————————————

_June 25th_

_That night I had a dream about Josh. I fully expected it to be a sex dream but it wasn’t. We were on the couch in Josh’s apartment, me in full drag. We were watching TV and he had his arm around me, my head was rested on his chest. After a while he gently cupped my face and turned me to look at him. He whispered softly to me, 'please can I see you under all that make-up. The real you?’ And I couldn’t say no to that. He helped me wipe away the layers of paint and when he was done he sat back and studied my face. He ran his fingertips over my cheek bones, jaw bone and nose before sitting back with a smile on his face. 'You are still the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on.’ And then he kissed me, so softly and so lovingly. When he pulled away I had tears in my eyes. 'What’s wrong babe?’ He kept his hand on my cheek. A small tear rolled down my face._

_'No one’s ever called me beautiful before.’_

_'Well you are.’ He told me, kissing me again. 'So damn beautiful.’ He held me close and I sighed in content._

_It had been less than twelve hours and I missed Josh. I missed Josh almost as much as I would miss my right arm if it were severed from my body._

————————————

I’d missed him too. I must be some kind of fucking idiot. I kept reading. 

————————————

_August 8th_

_Josh was the biggest dork ever and I loved that about him. I was quickly becoming hooked on spending time with him. It didn’t matter where we went or what we did, as long as I was with him I could forget about what I had to go back to. I could just pretend I was a normal teenager on a date with a beautiful man. When I was with Josh, I felt like I ruled the world._

————————————

_September 19th_

_I’m pretty sure I’m imminently going to die. As I write this, I am waiting to be called to see Nicholas, a man I haven’t seen since that day at the bus station over six months ago. Patrick had looked terrified when he’d heard and that told me all I needed to know. The next time I leave this room, I’m not coming back. In a weird way there was some kind of solace in that thought. I’d been slowly rotting away in this hell hole and the thought of finally getting out, even if it was through death, kind of put me at peace. I know that sounds terrible but you have no idea what the last six months have been like._

_So if I do die, if this is the last time I get to write in here I’m going to try and make it as detailed as possible. I’ve told Patrick that if he ever manages to get out of here to take this straight to the cops. I’m going to hide this book under a loose tile by my bed and hope that if the cops ever find this place they will find this book and they will know exactly what went down here. If I die, I don’t want it to be vain. I hope my account from the last six months will someday help others. If my death can stop this happening to others then it will be worth it._

_This is probably my own fault anyway. The day I realised I had feelings for Josh I should I have walked away. The deeper I fell the more danger I put us both in. I hope more than anything else in the world that he’s safe. I hope they didn’t get to him too. The truth is, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with that man. For the first time in my entire life I had found a person that made me want to stop running. I think he felt the same way but I’ll probably never know because I doubt I’ll ever see him again, even if I don’t die. If someone finds this please track him down and tell him he meant the world to me. Tell him I would never have gotten through this without him. I wouldn’t have lasted this long if it wasn’t for our friendship, he made the dark days and nights that little bit more manageable. Tell him that if things would have been different I would have loved him for the rest of my life. Make sure he knows he was who I was thinking about at the very end. His beautiful face. Those shining eyes, nose ring and smile that lit up my whole world. Tell him he was the best thing to ever happen to me and I am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him. Make sure he knows it’s going to be alright even though he won’t believe you. Hold him while he cries if you have to. Just make sure he’ll be ok. Please god, that’s all I ask is for that man to be ok. He deserves that much. Tell him I was the man, Tyler, he met that night in the club and took home. Make sure he knows that night was one of the greatest of my life._

_If this is the last thing I get to write, please make sure he knows how I felt. If I die I’ve told Patrick to let Josh read this. So Josh - if you are reading this, if I didn’t make it - thank you for trying. I love you, I wish I got a chance to tell you that._

————————————

My heart was aching by this point. He was in love with me. And he was right, I did feel the same. So why the fuck had I let him walk away? When he was facing his darkest moment, when he thought he was going to die, all Tyler cared about was making sure I was alright. And I couldn’t even come out for him. I could barely see through my tears anymore but I forced myself to keep reading.

———————————— 

_November 11th_

_I don’t think Josh’s going to save me. It’s been nearly two months since the last time I saw him and I’m starting to think that maybe it was all lies. He hasn’t called for Patrick either. For a while, every time the door was unlocked I held my breath hoping it was going to be the cops but it never was. I kept trying to tell myself that these things take time and without my diary they didn’t really have any information so the chances of me being found were slim. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. It was stupid of me to think that one person could save me. There I go being naive again. I’ve given up now, all over again. I’d given up once and Josh had given me hope only to shoot me back down. Now I had given up again._

————————————

Did he really think I had just given up on him like that? Did he really think I would lie? I guess in that kind of hopeless situation it’s hard to believe you’ll ever get out. 

 

I read the diary cover to cover. Towards the end the handwriting changed and the entries became more like a code. I wondered if maybe that was the undercover cop. I flicked to the last page and there was a folded dog eared piece of paper shoved in the back. My shaky hands unfolded it and I saw the writing I had come to recognise. Tyler. His final entry.

————————————

_I don’t even know what the fucking date is anymore. Andrew took my diary weeks ago and without it I’ve lost track of time. I don’t know why the cops haven’t found us yet. He’d written the address in the back and dropped it off where he’d agreed with them so why hadn’t they found us? I’m starting to panic now and I know I can’t just sit here and wait anymore. Tonight I’m going to get out, or at the very least I’m going to give it a damn good shot. I’m not even sure if I’m doing it for me anymore, not entirely anyway. I need to get out of here for Josh, for us and for the future we could have together._

 

_The thing is I’ve realised I would do just about anything for that man, including putting my life at risk. I’ve never felt this way about another person before. Usually I’m selfish, I have spent the first eighteen years of my life only thinking about being number one. But Josh changed all that. I want to get out of here so we can be together like he promised. I think we both need each other. I need him because he makes me feel loved for the first time in my life, he makes me feel as though it’s ok to be vulnerable even if I hate it. And I think he needs me because of the change I’ve seen in him over the last few months. When I first met him, he had an air of sadness about him. He was lonely, I could tell. But I’ve seen the way he’s changed, I can tell by the way he looks at me that I mean a great deal to him. I think we were both put on this earth to save each other._

 

_So if I’m caught, it would be worth it to be able to say I gave it one last shot. For him. I’m hoping that right now you’re reading this Josh and I’m curled up with my head on your shoulder and you’re stroking my hair. I’ll tell you stop reading it, I’ll tell you it’s too painful for you to know all those things that happened to me. I’m hoping you’ll cup my face and kiss me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. And I’ll believe you._

 

_Just know that even when I don’t act like it, I need you more than you will ever know. I can be stubborn and I might try and push you away at times. When I shut you out, when I yell and swear and tell you to go to hell, that’s my cry for help. They are the moments when I need you the most. I’ll probably never be able to tell you that to your face because like I said, I hate being vulnerable. But you are my entire world Joshua, please god never let me go. I don’t know how I’d cope without you._

 

_If I never see you again, just know I love you. Thank you for everything you ever did for me. I’m going to give this note to Andrew and tell him if I don’t make it to make sure it gets to you somehow. Please never forget about me. You changed my whole life, and I never would have had the strength to do what I’m about to do if it wasn’t for you._

————————————

My tears were falling heavily now, soaking the page. He risked his fucking life for me. He risked everything to break out of that place so we could be together. And what had I done? I’d refused to come out for him. I’m the biggest fucking idiot that has ever lived. He wanted nothing more than to be with me and I fucked it all up. He could have died but to him it was worth it. I was worth it. I folded the note and put it back in the diary and closed the book. I knew what I had to do.

————————————

Considering the lack of any physical activity I’d had over the last few weeks it made my run a lot harder. I’m sure once I used to have pretty good stamina, when I was with Oliver I used to go for runs every morning before work and hit the gym some evenings. Apparently I’d let myself go, that much was evident given how out of breath I was right now. 

 

I dodged in and out of the crowds of people, shouting brief apologies to the ones I accidentally knocked into. I was panting, I had sweat gathering at my temples and my t-shirt felt as though it was sticking to my skin. But it didn’t matter. I had to make it on time. That was the only thing that mattered. 

 

I spotted him easily through the crowds. I knew I would be able to pick him out of any crowded room. His hair was fluffed the way I loved it. He looked drained, that wasn’t surprising. An older woman, presumably his mother kissed his cheek and he forced a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. He was clutching Taylor Jnr in his hands like a security blanket. I picked up my pace, I had to get to him.

 

“Tyler!” I yelled as I ran closer and closer. “Tyler! Wait!” He was about to hand over his boarding pass to the lady at the gate. He heard me and spun around. I dropped my bag to the floor. He immediately looked like he might cry. “Tyler, please wait for one second.” I came to a stop and doubled over as I panted heavily. “Sorry just give me a minute.” I told him, trying to catch my breath. God I needed to get back in shape.

 

“What do you want Josh?” I could hear the frustration in his voice. I knew whatever I said I had to make it good for him to forgive me. I stood back up and wiped the sweat on my forehead on the sleeve of my hoody.

 

“I couldn’t let you leave, not like this.”

 

“Josh I have a flight to catch.” He folded his arms in impatience. I took a few deep breaths.

 

“I’m a jackass ok?”

 

“Understatement of the century.” He grumbled. I couldn’t help but smile a little, I loved his sassy attitude.

 

“I just don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’ve spent so many years terrified of people finding out the truth about me, I let Oliver walk away because I couldn’t come out and then I let you walk away too. But it’s not ok. It’s not ok that because my parents were jerks I feel I have to hide the real me. It’s not fair that I don’t get to be happy because of it. And it’s not fair that you don’t get to be happy either.”

 

“Josh, I really have to go-“

 

I put my finger to his lips to silence him.

 

“I’m ready Tyler. I’m ready for the world to know.”

 

“You say that now.” Tyler said sadly, biting his bottom lip. Looks like I was going to have to show him how serious I was about this. 

 

I swallowed my fear and I stood up on one of the chairs in the busy waiting room. People were already staring at me.

 

“Josh what are you doing? Get down!” Tyler whispered trying not to attract any more attention but I shook my head.

 

“Attention airport goers!” I shouted as loud as I could and now everyone was really staring at me. I tried to ignore the fact I was shaking. “I have been living a lie for my entire life and I am sick of it! You see I’ve fallen in love, like real proper love. The kind where they are the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you think about when you close your eyes at night. The kind where every time you look into their eyes it feels like the first time all over again. The whole shebang, sweaty palms, shakes, heart beat racing. It’s the kind of love where you know that in this person you’ve found everything you’ve been searching for your whole life. The kind of love where you can picture yourself at 60 or 70, married with kids, still just as in love as we are now. It’s the kind of love where you would do anything to make them smile, when all you want to do is make sure they are safe and protected. And like an idiot I almost let that love go. But I will not give up without a fight.” Everyone was enraptured by my words, including Tyler and his parents. “I’m in love with this beautiful creature stood right here.” I pointed at Tyler and he blushed a bright shade of red as all eyes turned to him. “I’ve loved him since the very first moment I met him. And I will stop at nothing until he agrees to give me a second chance. I’m not scared anymore Tyler, I don’t give a shit what people think. My name is Joshua William Dun and I’m gay and I’m fucking proud of it! And if his parents will allow me, I would like to come to Columbus with you and spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you.” The room went silent for a moment and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. But then someone started clapping. Tyler’s mom. Then his dad. And then soon the whole room was clapping and cheering. I had tears in my eyes and I noticed Tyler did too as he helped me down from the chair.

 

“You’re such a fucking dork.” He sniffed, trying to laugh. 

 

“I can be your dork if you’ll let me?” I took hold of his hand and he let me. He bit his bottom lip. 

 

“Promise you’ll never be an idiot and let me go again? If you get on this fucking plane with me I swear to god Josh, you better never let me go. If you come with me this is it, you and me forever.”

 

I smiled as my tears started to fall.

“Tyler, you have my word. I will love you until my dying day. Nothing is ever going to come between us again.”

 

Tyler smiled and then he pulled me close to him and kissed me. I didn’t even give it a second thought, I wrapped my arms tightly around him and melted into the kiss. I didn’t care that everyone was watching, in fact I encouraged it. Tyler was everything I’d ever wanted and more. If anyone was worth facing my fears and finally coming out of that fucking closet, it was him. When the kiss ended I stroked his cheek.

 

“We should go.” Tyler giggled a little. I kissed him briefly again and took hold his hand, picking my bag back up.

 

“Lead the way wild flower.”

 

“You know what?” Tyler squeezed my hand. “I’m not so sure I’m all that wild anymore. Maybe I can be tamed after all.”

 

I smiled brightly, feeling the happiest I’d ever felt as we walked hand in hand behind his parents towards the plane; towards the rest of our lives together. I’m not sure I’ll tell him I have his diary, it seems too raw right now. I knew we had a lot of hard times ahead of us while Tyler dealt with what had happened to him but I was going to be there every step of the way. Maybe when it’s not quite so fresh I’ll tell him, maybe he’ll even want to read it one day. But for now I’ll kept it to myself. 

 

One man’s account of how he went to hell and back and survived. Maybe one day he’ll be glad I have it. Because it isn’t just the account of the horrible things that happened to him. It’s the story of us. It’s the story of how two broken people found each other in this crazy world and how despite everything, they managed to save each other. It was testament to the fact that no matter how hopeless life can seem, the right person can make anything better. Two wilting flowers blossoming together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I BET YALL THOUGHT THERE WOULDNT BE A HAPPY ENDING. HA ha. Honestly thanks so much for getting this far. I hope you stick with my future work ♥︎ (also did anyone else notice this fic has an entire word count of 69k? that may or may not be on purpose)


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